A week ago, Clay Aiken said Adam Lambert sucks claiming his performance made his ears bleed. A day later, Aiken sort of apologized, but mostly gloated about becoming relevant again.

Lambert finally responded, telling Access Hollywood, “I don’t know Clay. I’m glad he’s getting headlines now though, because he wasn’t before. If he wants to ride my coattails about it, good for him.”

Oh, snap. Clay just got served. What will keyboard warrior Clay type next in his pay to access blog? I imagine he’s going to go all Kanye West on Adam. I can already hear him engaging his caps lock. Adam better watch out. Clay has been known to type up to 100 words per minute when he’s riled up. Expect his “look how popular I still am” response soon.

A little over a week ago, it was rumored that Clay Aiken was intent on doing a duet with the American Idol star that stole his gay thunder, Adam Lambert. He even showed up unannounced backstage. That did not go over so well because AI despises Clay Aiken. He was the first contestant to dump 19 Entertainment, Idol‘s management company that handles everything, and it’s assumed that he talked Kelly Clarkson into dumping them as well. Suffice to say, he was shuffled off the set as fast as you would that uncle you hate and any hopes of a duet with Lambert were dashed.

Now Aiken is bitter. On his site that he charges people $29.95 a year to read, a fan asked “what did you think about the show?” Clay’s bitchy response after the jump (via Gawker).

Now that it’s all over, and for the record…. I couldn’t be happier about the way AI ended this year. I only turn the show on once a season, and only to see what the set looks like each year. This year, I happened to turn it during the minute that Adam Lambert was singing “Ring of Fire” and, at that moment, thought my ears would bleed. Contrived, awful, and slightly frightening! I wasn’t really a fan and found myself surprised whenever folks told me that they liked him. Granted, I never saw another performance (and many folks who I trust said that he was great) but I can’t imagine I would have enjoyed it. Just not my cup of tea at all. To each his own. I never saw Kris sing on the show, but whether he was good or not is really relative. It’s usually a matter of taste, right? But Idol is not always a matter of musical taste only. It’s about the person you like. From what little I saw, Kris seemed likable. (That’s not to say that Adam isn’t just as likable as anyone.. maybe more so… I don’t know) When Ruben and I were standing next to each other every night (many years ago) you had two equally talented, equally unlikely, equally unpolished contestants…. so it really was a matter of taste as to who was voted for. While some may argue that one of us was hyped more than the other, I don’t feel that was the case. However, this year, there was an obvious bias. Not even having watched the show, I can tell you that I was WELL aware of the bias from the judges as to who should win. In my opinion, that is awfully unattractive. I don’t think I am alone

In my opinion, it all often comes down to that last night of voting. Until the finale, folks are voting for the contestant that they want to see continue. But, I believe that on that last night, the dynamic changes. No longer forced to choose one person that they want to see win, the audience can effectively vote AGAINST the person that they don’t want to see win. In the case of season two this might have happened. There may have been some folks who voted for myself or Ruben because they didn’t like the other of us. I was the nerdy little girly boy who some didn’t want to see win, so they may have voted for Ruben. I don’t know. .. But again, I feel that Ruben and I were fairly matched. We both had our detractors and negatives, but I feel we were both very worthy of being on that stage in that moment, and either of us would have been worthy of winning. The show was different then, and folks made it in seasons 1-3 because they were “real” people who happened to sing/entertain well. But, somewhere along the way, AI stopped being about real people.

It didn’t stop there. Clay also gave his thoughts on why Kris Allen won.

In a battle between David and Goliath, my money is on David!

I think many voters got sick of being “told who to vote for”. I think many were turned off by the blatant favoritism shown towards one contestant. Therefore, on that last night, they used their votes against a contestant that they were tired of hearing about and for the contestant who had been written off. And, at the same time, I think they voted AGAINST an American Idol that has, for four years now, been more about the slick productions and polished contestants than it has been about finding the raw talent that it did in its first three seasons.

Those votes for Kris were also votes to return the show to its roots of finding “real” contestants with undiscovered talent and giving them the chance to grow and shine. They were votes that said “we’re tired of seeing contestants who already seem to know it all”.

Will American Idol choose to listen to the resounding and clarion call that those voters gave them?…. “Enough with the pretention. More Rubens, more Clays, more Fantasias and Tamyras and Kellys please.” My faith has always been in the voters. I think they have gotten it right every year (mine included). It’s now up to American Idol to decide if it will finally REALLY listen to the folks that keep it on the air.

Jesus. You could hear him stomping around his room, tearing his Adam Lambert posters off the wall and wiping off his Adam Lambert mascara during that rant.

You’ll be shocked to discover that Clay Aiken is… gay! Oh, I know. I couldn’t believe it either. Aiken officially comes out in the next issue of PEOPLE hitting newsstands on Wednesday. As a bonus, you’ll also get to see his artificially inseminated baby in the same issue. You can almost see the shock on his face as well. Jesus. I haven’t been this surprised since I found out Chris Rock was black.

Clay Aiken Cradles Newborn Son On People Cover: “Yes, I’m Gay” [HuffPo]

Clay Aiken’s mother, in a sort of “See?! My son’s not gay!,” moment, told WRAL’s Lynda Loveland that Clay Aiken’s friend, Jaymes Foster, gave birth to his baby this morning.

Aiken’s mother, Faye, said the baby has dark hair and that her son is smiling from ear-to-ear.

Clay wrote on his blog:

I know it’s been a while. I’m sure you know, it’s been a full full summer. Sorry we haven’t spoken in so long. But, I’m sure you know… I hate putting the cart before the horse. Not my way to tempt fate. But I wanted to stop by, if only for a second, so you could be the first folks I tell…. HE’S HERE!

My dear friend, Jaymes, and I are so excited to announce the birth of Parker Foster Aiken (No hyphens. One first name. One middle name. One last name.)

Parker was born at a hospital in North Carolina just this morning at 8:08 AM. Wow… 8:08 ..08/08/08

As you may know, Clay did not have sex with Jaymes Foster. No, that would be much too straight of him. Jaymes was impregnated through artificial insemination. The way babies should be made. “Vaginas are icky,” says Clay.

TMZ is reporting that Clay Aiken may have impregnated a girl. A human one. Sources say 50-year-old Jaymes Foster, a record producer and Clay’s best friend who he lives with, is set to give birth in August.

She’s the sister of record mogul David Foster. She divorced a few years back and has no kids. Aiken is 29. We’re told Foster was artificially inseminated. But Clay is a lot more than sperm — we’re told he will have an active role in raising the child.

Ohhh, now it makes more sense. Artificially inseminated. For a second there, they made it sound like Clay actually put his penis inside her and came. That would have been awkward. For Jaymes I mean since I doubt Clay even knows how to knock someone up. He’d probably have jacked off in her butthole and called it a day.

Clay Aiken says that no one cares about his sexuality besides the media. While on a promotional appearance for his album and Broadway show, he told The Billy Bush Show,

“I think for the most part, people don’t want to have that type of stuff pushed, people who are living in Omaha or in Charlotte or wherever,” he said. “They don’t want stuff like that pushed in their face, I don’t think that’s necessary and that’s also not what I’m here for. I mean I went on ‘Idol’ to be a singer, I went on ‘Idol’ to be an entertainer and that’s what my priority is.”

For the most part he’s right. No one cares because they all know this dude is full on gay. If shoving phallic vegetables into your anus was an Olympic sport, Clay Aiken would be a gold medalist and be known as the best vegetable-up-ass shover of our time. He would be praised for his speed, agility and his ability to “take it without lube.”

Had a romantic relationship? Bingo. New York Magazine interviewed Clay Aiken since he’s in a Broadway show called Spamalot and I don’t even know where to begin. Just read it.

“Let’s not fool ourselves,” he says with his eyebrows up in his arch, queeny way. “The truth is? There are people like Justin Timberlake, males who are cool on radio right now, and then there’s me. If I heard myself in a dance club? If I went into a dance club—which I never do—and I heard Clay Aiken come on, I’d roll my eyes and get out. But you know what? I’m fine with being kind of vanilla! It’s oh-kye!” In his book, Aiken says that it’s not just clubs but also bars he dislikes: “The only reason people go to bars is to get drunk and have sex. To me, bars are what hell is like.”

He imagines his social life here will be “nonexistent, really. I’m not a nighttime person.” He does not plan on dating, and he is not involved with anyone. “Heck, no,” he says. “My dogs.” He has never had a romantic relationship with anyone, unless you count the girls he took to dances back in high school in Raleigh. “I just don’t have an interest in … any of that at all. I have got too much on my plate,” he says. “I’d rather focus on one thing and do that when I can devote time to it, and right now, I just don’t have any desire.”

But Aiken is 29 years old and he is also a human. Surely he must have needs. Urges. He contemplates this in silence for 20 or 30 seconds. “Ah think maybe I don’t! I mean, not really. I’ve just kind of shut it off, maybe. Is that bad?”

Clay Aiken has long denied being gay and after this I’m starting to believe him. He sounds more asexual. Like some sort of human Gumby. No sexual urges? Getting drunk and having sex is hell? Jesus, if he saw a penis or vagina for longer than 10 seconds, he’d run away crying. Whenever he has to wash his junk in the shower, he probably has a pained expression similar to that of someone trying to detach a crab from their nuts.

Need more proof Clay Aiken is a pain in the ass, undeserving or just need more gay quotes from him? Well, today is your lucky day because Newsweek published an interview they did with him and it’s fantastic. First, the gay stuff.

NEWSWEEK: How’s the “Spamalot” rehearsing going?
Clay Aiken: I’m sore. I couldn’t even get off the toilet the other day. It hurts so bad. I don’t know if it’s I’m not coordinated or using muscles I never had to use before.

Do women throw their underwear on stage?
In Minneapolis, we had a lady throw her panties in the middle of “Silent Night.” I’m like, Are you kidding me? We’ve had ladies throw Depends that say, “Your older fans love you, too.”

Oh, Clay acts appalled when panties are thrown on stage, but when it’s men’s underwear? You can’t get him to shut up about it. Later, Newsweek starts asking him about an incident he had with a woman on a plane and that’s when things got really awkward awesome.

How did you get into a fight with that lady on a plane?
I’m not going to talk about it.

I was just curious because you’ve never talked about it.
I did talk about it.

What about the Kelly Ripa thing?
I’m not going to discuss it.

Did you think it was homophobic?
I’m not going to discuss it.

What do you want to talk about?
I think we’re done.

Can we talk about something fun?
No, we’re done. I thought NEWSWEEK would be more reputable. I’m surprised.

But I think people are curious about it.
It was a year ago. This is NEWSWEEK. It’s not the National Enquirer. I’d hate to have a job where I had to be rude to people.

We’re just having a conversation.
Change the subject! I’d never take a job where I had to do something that I didn’t want to do.

What about all those Ford commercials on “American Idol”?
That wasn’t a job.

It was part of your job.
It wasn’t a Ford commercial. It was a music video. It was a completely different thing.

I’ll change the subject. What do you do for fun?
I watch the news. I read news magazines, but I’m reconsidering that now.

Are you going to watch “Idol”?
I haven’t watched since season four. I compare it to high-school football–if it weren’t for high school, we wouldn’t be successful, but I don’t need to keep going to the football games.

He completely lost me on that last analogy. Partially because my high school never had a football team, but mostly because he’s a dimwitted asshole. He was probably fantasizing about his high school football team (gangbang?) and then he remembered Newsweek asked him a question. I think it would have been funny if Newsweek ended it with, “Is it that time of the month again, Clay?” and then rolled their eyes and before Clay could respond, flicked him off and offensively grabbed their crotch at him. Go Newsweek!

Clay Aiken and a woman engaged in a minor scuffle aboard a flight to Tulsa on Saturday. Aiken, only referred in reports as an American Idol contestant, put his foot on the woman’s armrest which caused her to give him a “minor shove.” The flight crew was able to resolve the situation, but it still caught the attention of the FBI.

The 2003 “American Idol” runner-up was on the Saturday morning Continental Airlines flight for a evening show, and concertgoers said afterward that Aiken joked on-stage about being beaten up by a girl earlier in the day.

I bet he almost cried. When the woman shoved him, he probably cowered in the corner and viciously swung his jelly dildo in the air trying to fend her off. He’s like Zorro, only a lot gayer.

• Tom Cruise and Oprah Winfrey reunite. [SOW]
• Breaking and Entering: Woo Hoo! More Unbelievable Interpersonal Contrivances [Pajiba]
• Angry Cameron Diaz turning into a man. [Bastardly]
• Britney Spears with…her children? [Celebrity Smack]
• Celebrity plastic surgery explosion. [CityRag]
• Dancing with one-legged stars. [Yeeeah!]
• The Riches coming to FX. [Popbytes]
• Gay secret behind James Brown’s wife being left out of the will. [Celebitchy]
• Some guy brags about going on a date with Drew Barrymore. [Mollygood]
• Beastie Boys past and present. [Agent Bedhead]
• Heather Graham’s lesbian kiss. [Drunken Stepfather]
• Victoria Beckham out and about. [ICYDK]
• John Mayer sends Jessica Simpson love from the Grammys. [About]
• Clay Aiken needs your help. [Celebslam]
• Diddy yells at Naomi Campbell. [ASL]
• Nicole Richie and Joel Madden match. [Ninjadude]
• Sofia Vergara. [Derek Hail]

I’m appalled by today’s blind item from The New York Daily News,

Which Middle-American pop star, who really should have learned to stay off the Internet, has been chatting online again? Apparently his ultimate romantic ambition is a simultaneous date with an entire NBA team (except he didn’t use quite those words).

The name on everyone’s lips is Clay Aiken. Clay Aiken? No way Clay Aiken is gay much less is he fantasizing about a gang bang with an entire NBA team. That dude’s a pin-up for masculinity. Whenever I get into an argument over who’s the toughest celebrity SOB, I take a picture of Clay Aiken out of my wallet and shove it in their silly little faces. The silence is deafening as I gently put it back making sure the corners don’t get bent. Clay Aiken has a predilection for NBA dick? How dare you sir.

In a two part interview with Diane Sawyer, Clay Aiken reveals his struggle with panic attacks and his use of Paxil.

“I guess I just got to a point where I thought, ‘OK, listen, you’re not going crazy,” he explains. “I’m not going, I’m not going crazy.’ And so I talked to my doctor and I said, ‘Listen, here’s the thing. I don’t understand why I feel like I’m gonna have a heart attack when I go into these rooms. I don’t get it.’”

I get it. Clay Aiken is gay and everybody knows it, but he’s in denial. He’s so gay that even Elton John shakes his head and mutters “queer boy” under his breath. He also forgot to mention that this feeling of a heart attack only seems to come when some guy in the gym bends over and wiggles his ass at him. He’s probably stressing out trying to stop the raging erection that’s about to tear through his pants.