Colin Farrell is a name no one has heard in a while. Mostly because he’s stayed out of the spotlight by not being public about banging supermodels but also mostly because he hasn’t been in a mainstream movie for a while. One person who doesn’t care about that, however, is Rihanna who would still love to nail him.

Rihanna and Colin met on Graham Norton’s talk show before Christmas. They exchanged numbers and Rihanna’s been flirting with him over text. From The Sun,

“Colin was taken aback by some of the texts. He reckons he might well be in there. They’re both single, so why not?”

I saw footage of Mr Norton’s show when they originally met. Early on Colin complimented her on her dress, which left only her “limbs” on show. He added: “They are very nice limbs. There’s probably a reason I mentioned them, I had to get them off my mind.”

Rihanna then talked about getting a wax treatment, leaving Colin wide-eyed with excitement.

Not sure how describing a girl you don’t know spreading hot wax over your crotch and then un-apologetically tearing the hair off can be sexy but whatever. Rihanna could describe an STD she got one time and how it burned and gave her a rash and I’d just sit there hiding my boner going, “yes… tell me more.”

The Sun says Colin Farrell has lost as much as 42 pounds (or as they put it, three stone!) for his latest movie, Triage, in which he plays a war photographer. However, he’s lost so much weight friends are beginning to worry. As they should be. They say they’re concerned for his health, but the truth is, skinny people rarely eat and when you’re friends with a movie star, you become accustomed to certain “perks”. Sloppy seconds, limo rides and gratis meals. How can you have perk number three when your friend is anorexic? Come on Colin. Stop being so selfish. Eat a hamburger or something. Your friends are depending on you.

Two months after Colin Farrell and Muireann McDonnell began dating, Muireann’s ex, John Knight, was so distraught he killed himself.

Following their split at Christmas, John briefly hooked up with another girl.

Farrell met Muireann when he went to a party at a bar in Dalkey, near Dublin — opposite the gourmet food store where she worked.

A pal of John’s said: “They must have hit it off immediately. They began to go out. John was devastated.”
The former altar boy was found dead in February at his home. He had just finished his college exams — and the day before had joined pals to watch Ireland’s rugby clash with France.

Obviously the guy knew what he was up against. The unbuttoned shirt and the hankie on Colin’s head is like catnip to the ladies. Girls always have a pirate fantasy. Which is a joke if you ask me. Once you bring out that sword, they always freak out. Luckily, part of the role-playing involved tying their limbs to the bed. Safe word? What safe word?

Colin Farrell may have all the charisma and sex appeal in the world, but according to Woody Allen’s former nanny, he has no idea what he’s doing in bed.

Angelique said: “He was enthusiastic and athletic. He was so keen to have me, he didn’t want to wear any protection. He just said, ‘It’ll be OK, it’ll be OK’. But for all his ardour, it was like he was reading from a text book, lurching from one position to another. He loved it when I climbed on top. He was cooing, ‘C’est bon, c’est bon’. It’s clearly the only French he knows.

The only advice I can give to Angelique is she better look into Vagisil as soon as possible. Having sex with Colin Farrell without a condom may be the dumbest move ever made. It’s almost as if half of Hollywood’s vaginas just entered her vagina. If statistics have taught me anything, there’s a good chance she would have been safer if she found a dirty needle on the ground and stabbed herself with it. She also goes on to say that even though they had sex 3 times, the whole thing only lasted 10 minutes and each time she had to fake an orgasm. That’s pretty sad because even I can go 15 minutes with the option of an additional fake orgasm. Depending on how much I pay.

During a taping of The Tonight Show, a woman from the audience approached Colin on stage and said something to him that no one heard.

According to Reuters, entertainment gossip TV show Access Hollywood identified the woman as Dessarae Bradford and said she had unsuccessfully alleged in a small-claims lawsuit that Farrell had stalked her. Quoting an audience member, Access Hollywood said the woman shouted at Farrell, “I’ll see you in court,” to which Farrell replied, “You’re insane.”

Dessarae Bradford also has a Myspace where she offers Colin Farrell porn clips and a chance to listen to her song, “Colin Farrell is my bitch.” But, I ask you this, is it really insane to claim that a big Hollywood star is stalking you? I thought we lived in America, land of the free where you’re allowed to sue anyone for anything. Just the other day I filed a suit against Colin Farrell for taking away some of my sexy.

After checking himself into rehab, Colin Farrell has been dry for six months. He credits his three year old son for a new found appreciation of life. Why it took him three years is beyond me, but I guess if you use this many drugs and drink this much alcohol in a week, you’re bound to lose chunks of time.

A psychiatrist asked him to write down how much he did in a week – 20 ecstasy tablets, four grams of coke, six grams of speed, half an ounce of hash, three bottles of Jack Daniels, 12 bottles of red wine, 60 pints and 280 cigarettes.

But one of the most bizarre claims came from veteran British actress Dame Eileen Atkins. She claimed that Colin spent nearly three hours begging her to sleep with him – three weeks before her 70th birthday. She turned him down.

Contrary to what those liars at the retirement home say, I’ve never begged a 70 year old for sex, but I’m still young. With a lot of hard work and determination, I think I can make this a reality. Then I can finally say I did something Colin Farrell could never do.

If you’re anticpitating Miami Vice, then here are a bunch of clips from the movie.