According to Independent Woman, Courtney Love is Lindsay Lohan’s sobriety coach. Because she’s the picture of mental health, you see.

“I’ve taken up Lohan because nobody else will. She’s further down the line than I was, because there was no [gossip website] TMZ then,” she told Details magazine. Independent.ie

Let that sink in. Courtney Love has taken Lindsay Lohan under her faded wings. Imagine what wisdom Courtney could bestow upon Lindsay. “If you’re incoherent enough, no one will pay attention to you because they have no idea what you’re talking about. A blar blar blar. [throws cats at Lindsay]”

I don’t see how anything could go wrong. Look how sophisticated Courtney Love is now. She wears two pairs of glasses on her head. That means she’s twice as book smart.

Thanks to Courtney Love, we now know Kurt Cobain had a big penis. In a new interview in GQ via NME, Courtney was asked if Brad Pitt could pull off playing Kurt in a biopic. What she said may shock you. Or not.

“Kurt had more presence and more beauty than Brad Pitt. He was a leader, he was strong, in fact he was well fucking hung, if you really want to know.”

No. No one really wanted to know, but thanks. Courtney also revealed the Nirvana frontman was asked by Quentin Tarantino to play Eric Stoltz’s part in Pulp Fiction.

And that, my friends, marks the first and last time Courtney was ever coherent.

On the anniversary of Kurt Cobain’s death (April 5), Jared Leto released a video of him dressing up and playing the Nirvana front man. The short was made when Jared heard they were making a Kurt Cobain biopic. Jared wanted to “explore creative possibilities.”

I heard today was the day Kurt passed away 17 years ago. Can’t believe it’s been that long. So grateful for his contribution and inspiration. Not sure I’d be doing this if it weren’t for him. He gave us all permission to create no matter what our skill set and reminded me that dreams are possible. Thanks for that. This made me recall a short piece of film I shot when I heard they were making a film celebrating his life. I made it to explore the character and explore creative possibilities. I never sent it to the studio or to anyone but thought I’d share it now…

Meanwhile, Courtney Love celebrated Kurt Cobain’s anniversary by not shorting his ashes and getting into a fight with Kelly Osbourne. Osbourne jokingly called Love a crackhead to which Courtney responded: “This girl I know, Kelly Osbourne, I’ve saved her life twice,” ranted Love. “I’ve done CPR, I’ve put things in her boobs. [She was on] Oxycontin, cocaine, foaming at the mouth.” At least we know that quote is authentic. No one can incoherently ramble quite like Courtney Love.

Courtney Love was, I’m assuming, ironically invited to the Elle Style Awards last night but she managed to show up not looking like a terrifying drunk monster in a drug induced coma. She looked… normal. My god, who does she have for makeup artists? The Avatar special FX team?

Fame says Courtney Love was a hot mess in London yesterday but I venture we can take out the hot and just leave it at mess. Courtney sashayed around in an animal print coat and matching bag before getting into a car and getting her ass kicked out of it because it was the wrong one. They eventually put her confused ass in the right one which probably took her straight to the zoo because she looks like a cracked out leopard.

Courtney Love tells Elle magazine that she looks the most amazing after great sex. Elle magazine proceeds to dry heave.

Love said, “I look my best after good sex – like we all do.” Sadly, “dignity” is being cited as one of the main reasons why no one has been able to confirm Love’s statement.

Courtney also says she’s not a whore. “My philosophy on love is once I love someone I always love them. I’m possibly the most separate from my public image as any celebrity that has ever lived. In fact, I’m outrageously wholesome. I’ve even been told I’m a bit prudish.” So it turns out what you thought Courtney had going for her (being slutty) is completely false. Yikes.

If you haven’t had the honor of following Courtney Love on Twitter, you haven’t experienced the joy of your Twitter feed filling up with hundreds of Twitpics in a matter of seconds at night. And now you never will because Courtney Love has quit Twitter after she tweeted a naked photo of herself that was meant for a boyfriend. Instead of doing a direct message, she did a public tweet and the picture was posted and mocked over the internet. Her most recent and hopefully last tweet read, “I’m off twitter, that photo was meant for a boy friend.”

Farewell, Courtney Love. You will be missed. But not really. Even though your tweets were 140 characters or less, they were still as indecipherable as when you were on MySpace. May you find an outlet for your cracked out writings where people can understand what you’re talking about. May I suggest the comment section on Engadget?

Courtney Love posted the photo above on Twitter last Friday. The only reason I’m sharing it with you is to make you suffer like I’ve suffered. I don’t even know why she tweeted this. Maybe to prove Satan has won?

It must have been nerve-wracking when organizers were told Courtney Love was invited to the premiere of Wall Street 2. They probably strapped on their bomb squad suits to prepare for an explosion of ugly. However, they must have been pleasantly surprised when she decided not to come looking like a strung out mess and didn’t break down and start crying in the middle of the red carpet.

A cracked out rant that probably no one could understand. Read all 35 tweets here. Highlights include: “youve done a dammed good job frances of destroying anything i could build that is positive, and i want to know why now that your of age” and “i could never do anything to frances that involved her personal public humilation like utah, or certain items that r private & wld ruiinher” and “so how could she do it to me, ? dont answer fiddle you need to answer use the family wizard, i took the high road, i raised you well and im so sorry i couldnt protect you from lairds greed and need to fuck with you daqrlingyou oinbly get 37% Of in utero, its impossible for me to.”

I feel like I need a decoder ring to decipher what Courtney is saying. All I got from reading this whole thing was she can ruin her now 18-year-old daughter, her family has a wizard and something about Nirvan’s album In Utero. None of this garbled shorthand makes any sense. She could be talking about getting a sex change for all I know.

You never want to get into a verbal sparring match with Courtney Love. Mostly because no one can understand her unintelligible ranting save for a few words. Robert Pattinson won’t heed that advice and is instead engaging Courtney.

Earlier, there were rumors of Pattinson playing Kurt Cobain in a Nirvana biopic to which Courtney Love replied “fuck no!” In an interview with The Mirror Robert responds:

Is it true you’re going to play Kurt Cobain in the Nirvana movie?
Sometimes these things just appear. I love Nirvana, but I love them a bit too much – I’d be embarrassed. And you see all these comments, like from Courtney Love, saying ’What the f*ck! He’s totally wrong for it’, and I’m like, ’I f*cking said no, you d*ck!’ I didn’t get offered it. For one thing, I’m too tall, and I can’t sing like him, I’m nothing like him!’ It’s ridiculous.

If Robert really wanted to piss off Courtney Love, he’d add that not only is he taller, but he’s more handsome, has bigger muscles and his voice sounds far too much like that of an angel’s. Also, he doesn’t have a wife who’s a bat shit crazy fame whore.

If you have time to waste, want to know why she’s such a mess (hint: it’s drugs) and are really, really bored, the full episode of Courtney Love’s Behind the Music is online here.

That headline should really be the other way around. Kate Moss had sex with Courtney Love. Right now it makes it seem like Courtney was the one people wanted to have sex with.

In an interview with Hot Press, Courtney hinted that she and Kate Moss did it once in the 90′s. Not only that. Kate Moss was sober so there were no drugs to help suppress the memory.

“It was Kate Moss. She doesn’t care.” Love then adds, “It’s a great story for the grandchildren so . . . yeah. Kate wasn’t doing a lot of drugs. It was just a thing that happened in Milan in the ‘90s. It happened and it was fun and whatever. And she talks about it and so I hope she doesn’t get mad that I outed her about it… I feel like such a kiss and tell… Kate’s great, though! Kate’s a good friend of mine. I almost bought Kate’s house in St. John’s Wood (London).”

A sexual experience with Courtney Love is on a list of horrifying things that I never want to happen to me. It’s right up there with falling into a pit of poisonous snakes, being shot in the leg with a flaming arrow and dressing up like a donut in front of Khloe Kardashian.