Criss Angel, who’s miraculously cornered the market on douchey magicians, is engaged to Sandra Gonzalez. He surprised her in Cabo with a 5-carat diamond and platinum ring. Angel’s rep says, “The couple is ecstatic.”

Angel and Gonzalez met four years ago on the set of his series Mindfreak. Conveniently after he divorced his wife in 2006. Note that Angel hid the fact that he was married during the series to further his career. Because that’s what douche bags do. She appeared in two of his illusions and was credited as “Criss’s Girl.”

In November 2008, Criss began dating Holly Madison. That relationship ended a year later. I’m not sure where Sandra fits into this timeline but my best guess would be in a box with a secret trap door where he keeps all his side pieces.

Up top is Criss Angel and a girl credited as Jennifer White but who may actually be Sandra Gonzalez in Mexico at the end of August.

The short version of this is Jeff “the midget-loving impresario behind Beacher’s Madhouse revue” Beacher accused Criss Angel of stealing his cat and now he’s suing to get it back. Beacher claims Criss has been leaving him voicemail messages such as “I took your cat. He lives with me now,” “The cat no longer likes you,” and “that cat and I have become close friends.”

Beacher’s lawyer, Robert Reynolds, wrote to Angel: “After both of Mr. Beacher’s parents passed away due to cancer [two years ago], his family’s cat (“Hamlet”) was bequeathed to him by will. At the time, Mr. Beacher was residing at the Hard Rock Hotel [in Las Vegas]. Accordingly, he allowed his friend Jennifer Madden to temporarily care for the cat until he moved out of the hotel.

Some other voicemail messages Criss left include: “Your cat looks pretty in rose red lipstick,” “I took your cat for a long walk on the beach. We enjoyed the sunset together,” “I just put peanutbutter on my penis. Let’s see if this works for cats too,” and “Your cat wants an abortion.”

Holly Madison, 29, came out of her stupor and realized Criss Angel, 41, wasn’t the douchebag she wanted to spend her entire life with. They’ve called it quits and now Holly has vacated Criss’ Las Vegas pad and moved back in with her parents.

“It was a conflict of schedules. She felt she couldn’t devote 100 percent of her time in Vegas and his career at the expense of her career and her goals.”

“It was a tough decision for her to make and come back to L.A. and pursue her career,” the source told E! News. “She still has very intense feelings for him.”

Wow. Four years ago, Holly was plucked out of obscurity to live in the Playboy Mansion, be Hugh Hefner’s #1 girlfriend and star in the semi-popular reality series The Girls Next Door. She was then given a bump in pay and made Playmate editor for Playboy. Eventually, she broke it off with Hef, the show ended, she quit her job to be with Criss Angel in Vegas, ended that and now she’s back at home with her parents. You could step off a cliff and have less of a dramatic fall than Holly.

Holly Madison finally went public with her relationship with Criss Angel. She showed up at the premiere of “Criss Angel Believe” where she made out with the “Mindfreak”. You know how the saying goes. If sucking on a 90-year-old millionaire’s wrinkly balls don’t make you happy, go with the Mindfreak.

By the way, if you’re wondering how Criss Angel’s mash-up show with Cirque du Soleil went, the LA Times says it was “unbelievably bad.” Specifically,

If Criss Angel were blindfolded, straitjacketed, run over by a steamroller, locked in a steel box and dumped from a helicopter into the Pacific Ocean, he still might be easier to salvage from disaster than “Criss Angel: Believe,” the gloomy, gothic muddle of a show that officially lurched into being on Halloween night like some patched-together Frankenstein’s monster.

Ouch. That’s got to sting a little. Oh well. At least Criss has Holly Madison to comfort him. Her and her mouth which has been most likely wrapped around Hef’s old man balls. Seriously. Whenever they kiss, it’s like Criss is kissing Hef’s weiner. Haha, loser.

Criss Angel may have been the cause of Pamela Anderson and Rick Salomon’s sudden divorce announcement and subsequent no divorce announcement. Pamela was cozying up to Criss at LAX after her final performance with Hans Klok while Rick was at a poker tournament. Rick found out and became pissed and jealous and they had a big fight.

“It was just another log on the fire. Their relationship is so volatile [that] I’m sure this won’t be the last time she files, but nothing happened with her and Criss; they were just hanging out.” Anderson is wary of jealous men, as her last husband, Kid Rock, had “jealousy issues.”

You have issues when goth boy Criss Angel makes you jealous. He’s a walking parody of himself. Being jealous of him is like being jealous of the tampon in your girlfriend. The only reason women hang out with him is because he knows magic, but eventually putting a nail through your hand gets old. In fact, don’t even hang out with Criss, he’ll just bore you. If you want real magic, come to me. I got way better tricks. My favorite is this jaw dropper I pull off during sex. When I’m holing out a girl, I awkwardly ask her if she wants to be amazed. After she says, “Yes, finally,” I get real mad, wave my hands in the air and go, “For my next trick, I’ll make your orgasm disappear.” Then I come. Ta-da.

Despite a very public romance with Cameron Diaz, Page Six today reveals Criss Angel is still married to a woman by the name of Joanne Sarantakos and has had a relationship with her for the past 15 years. Joanne recently filed for divorce and will subpoena Diaz to testify about their romance.

Angel – who changed his name from Sarantakos and moved to Las Vegas after he hit the big time with his TV show “Mindfreak” – kept his wife of five years “as a secret” to increase his sex appeal to female fans, Barbara said.

He kept his wife a secret and she only now files for divorce. This has to be the most idiotic woman in the world or the most patient gold digger. For any normal person, upon hearing the words, “it’s better if no one knew about you,” alarms would go off. A red danger light would flash while a booming voice repeats, “Warning, warning.” It’s safe to say this didn’t happen for Joanne. If you could have peered into her mind when Criss told her she’d be his “secret” wife, you would have seen a monkey doing back-flips on a trampoline while circus music played in the background.

Update: Cameron says she’s not a home wrecker.

“When Cameron met Criss Angel in May of this year, he had been separated from his wife for over a year and she had already filed a petition to divorce him in 2006. Cameron and Criss went on only four dates over a month ago and have no current relationship.”

“These are meaningless, attention-seeking attempts to unfairly and unnecessarily exploit Cameron’s celebrity by trying to involve her in matters she has nothing to do with.”