Crystal Harris was engaged to Hugh Hefner for all of two seconds, which coincidentally is how long Hugh lasted during sex, before she broke off the marriage and started publicly dating Dr. Phil’s son who she was rumored to be having an affair with. Turns out Crystal was probably using Hugh for his fame, connections and money. Strange. And here I thought it was true love. To add insult to injury, she’s now selling the engagement ring Hugh let her keep for some reason.

Now, she’s now putting the ginormous engagement ring her bought her up on the auction block at Christie’s.

The 3.39-carat diamond sparkler is expected to sell in the $20,000-$30,000 range. E! Online

Congratulations, Crystal Harris. You’ve won cold-hearted b*tch of the year. Please meet Madonna up on the podium to accept your award.

Yesterday, Hugh Hefner’s ex-fiancee, Crystal Harris, opened up to Howard Stern about sex with Hef. It wasn’t flattering and she claims they only did it once. Crystal said, “[It lasted] like two seconds. Then I was just over it. I was like, ‘Ahh,’ I was over it, just like, walked away. I’m not turned on by Hef. Sorry.” She added that instead of sex, Hef just liked to cuddle. Aw, Hugh Hefner is a widdle cuddle bwear.

Basically, agreeing to marry Hef for a brief moment was a ploy to squeeze as much publicity from this relationship as possible. What a sweet girl.

Hef, not wanting his old withered ball sack dragged through the mud, responded in a series of since deleted tweets. Hef says Crystal played him. Wait, wasn’t that obvious from the start? 25-year-olds don’t marry 85-year-olds out of love. Apparently with age does not come wisdom. That or he was blinded by love and Viagra.

- The sex with Crystal the first night was good enough so that I kept her over two more nights.

- Crystal lied about our relationship on Howard Stern but I don’t know why.

- When I said, “I missed a bullet” when Crystal left, I didn’t mean I didn’t love her. I meant I realized she really didn’t love me.

- I feel sorry for Crystal. She seems lost.

- Crystal convinced me that she adored me. That was the first lie.

- I’m happy to be in a better place with new girlfriends Anna Sophia Berglund & Shera Bechard. (via Dlisted)

Oh, whatever. The dude is near death. I’d be surprised if even Viagra could give him an erection. Ghosts probably shoot out of his wang when he comes.

Besides using Hugh Hefner for publicity, breaking up with him the same day her single dropped and banging Dr. Phil’s son behind Hef’s back, Crystal Harris had an alternate plan to ditch Hugh at the alter in front of 300 guests for a tv special and shop around an exclusive interview for $500,000.

“Crystal wanted to ditch Hef at the altar. Her plan was to walk up the aisle and say she couldn’t go through with it. The wedding was to be filmed for a reality special, and her refusal to marry him would be a sensation. She was looking for a tie-in deal of around $500,000 for the exclusive ‘I ditched Hef at the altar’ interview. While there was interest, Crystal didn’t get an offer anywhere near half a million.” [Page Six]

I don’t know why Hugh wouldn’t want to marry Crystal Harris. She would have been a great wife. I bet if Hugh ever had to breathe with an oxygen tank, Crystal would crimp the tube because his wheezing was drowning out her program.

Playboy never got around to changing the cover of their new issue which still introduces “America’s Princess, Mrs. Crystal Hefner.” I doubt anyone notices though because they just skip to the boobs.

In related news, Crystal Harris told Ryan Seacrest that Hugh Hefner didn’t want to get married again anyway. Crystal then said the Playboy lifestyle wasn’t for her and wants to focus on her music career. Coincidentally, her single dropped the same day she and Hef broke off the engagement. Just call her Captain Publicity Whore, Commander of the SS I Hope My Boobs Distract From My Voice.

“I called it off because I didn’t think it was the right thing for me to do,” Harris told Seacrest this morning. “It was mutual between Hef and I, there was no fight, we sat down and we talked about it.”

“For a while I’ve been having second thoughts about everything. I haven’t really been at peace with myself lately. I didn’t think it was really fair to him…They were gonna air a show on it. It was al happening too fast for me.”

I feel sad for Hugh. What kind of man wants to die alone surrounded by a bunch of big breasted blondes waiting for their turn to ride him? What a sad, miserable life. Just terrible.

Luckily his former Playmates were there to comfort him:

“Just stopped by the mansion 2 give @hughhefner a hug. He seems to be handling this well. He even had a sense of humor about it! #LoveUHef” — Bridget Marquardt

“@hughhefner we r comin over w some jack n coke… oh n a pipe lol” (Note: This has since been deleted. I can’t imagine why.) — Kendra Wilkinson

“U r too sweet. Wish I was there to support, too! RT @KendraWilkinson: @hughhefner we r comin over w some jack n coke… oh n a pipe lol” (And that’s how you toss a bitch under the bus. RETWEET, HO!) — Holly Madison

By the way, Holly Madison couldn’t make it because she’s been cackling non-stop for the past two days.

Crystals’ single:

Crystal Harris has called off the wedding with Hugh Hefner 5 days before the nuptials and has already left the Playboy Mansion.

Sources inside the mansion say the two had a nasty argument over the weekend on the phone. When all was said and done, Crystal nixed the wedding and moved out. She probably found out there was no prenup because Hugh’s fortune consisted of a stack of old Playboys under his bed.

Somewhere out there Holly Madison is smiling and doing cartwheels through a field of daisies and telling Hugh to “suck it.”

As mentioned before, Holly Madison left Hugh Hefner because she couldn’t get a ring out of him. She even dated Criss Angel to make him jealous. A pretty poor plan if you think about it because Hugh could just find comfort in the breasts of another DD blonde. Which he did, apparently. Anyway, Holly is pretty broken up about the engagement.

Meanwhile, Hef’s ex — longtime galpal Holly Madison of “Girls Next Door” TV show fame — is said to be very upset about the engagement announcement. She long tried to snare a proposal from Hefner herself.

“She can’t believe Crystal was able to get Hef to agree to something she had tried for so long,” said a source close to Hefner.

Even after Madison’s fling with magician Criss Angel — supposedly done to make Hefner jealous — and Hefner’s plea for her to come back to him, he still never proposed marriage or gave her a ring.

The Sun Times does mention that there’s a good chance Hugh won’t go through with the marriage and that if he does, his prenup will be iron clad. They actually said, “That prenup will be tighter than Cher’s most recent facelift!” Aww, snap. Cher burn.

Holly Madison and Hugh Hefner presumably split because he would never marry her. Well, Holly might want to cover her ears and go “lalalalala” because Hugh, 84, asked current Playmate girlfriend Crystal Harris, 24, to marry him on Christmas eve. This will be his third marriage.

“After the movie tonight, Crystal & I exchanged gifts. I gave Crystal a ring. A truly memorable Christmas Eve,” Hefner, 84, wrote. “When I gave Crystal the ring, she burst into tears. This is the happiest Christmas weekend in memory.”

Later, he clarified, “Yes, the ring I gave Crystal is an engagement ring. I didn’t mean to make a mystery out of it. A very merry Christmas to all.”

Crystal might be a little less happy when she finds out Hugh didn’t leave what’s left of his fortune to her in his will. In fact, that feeling of hitting the jackpot might turn into downright sadness when all she gets from his death is a pack of expired condoms and a used feeling.

Hugh Hefner has refuted reports that he’s still pining for ex-lover Holly Madison. Hef insists he’s in love with that new girl he randomly picked, what’s her name, Crystal Harris. Oh and the Shannon Twins. The Playboy owner says he wouldn’t trade them for any past girlfriend.

Hefner told Us Weekly that he has “no idea where these crazy stories come from,” adding, “it was invented by someone to create publicity.”

At his age, I’d be happy with any 20-year-old in Playboy who’s willing to have sex with me. You hear that ladies? I won’t discriminate. I only ask that you be willing to sit with me in my rocking chair on my front porch and yell at the neighborhood kids to “get off my lawn” with me.