Usually, you want stories describing a catfight between Danielle Lloyd and two 20-year-olds ending with them ripping each other’s tops off and making out. Alas, it was not to be.

Last night, Lloyd got in a catfight with two 20-year-olds dancing on the back of the VIP sofa she was sitting on. One of them accidentally kicked her prompting Lloyd to get up to give her a piece of her mind. One thing led to another and they started punching and slapping each other. Eventually, Danielle fell off the sofa and fell through a glass table.

Her leg was badly cut up and Lloyd’s boyfriend, Jamie O’Hara, and another girl’s boyfriend were restrained by bouncers. Jamie was later thrown out. The Sun describes:

As she lay on the pavement, Danielle was heard shrieking: “My leg, my leg.” She needed stitches to a “serious” back wound as well as cosmetic surgery on her limb.

“Danielle sustained a serious wound to her back which required stitches upon arrival at hospital.

“She went in theatre yesterday afternoon and stayed in hospital over night.

“The operation on her leg was successful.”

Real life is nothing like the celebrity fan fiction I write. In my version, Danielle Lloyd would be fighting Megan Fox and Angelina Jolie in a tub of chocolate pudding. The winner would have been given the opportunity to blow me. Now that I think about it, brawling in dessert and blowing me is how most of the books in my series end.

In an upcoming documentary, UK model Danielle Lloyd reveals that she too was the victim of abuse as a teen. Lloyd says she was in a two-year relationship with a guy who beat her so badly one time that she was sent to the hospital.

The glamour model admitted she thought her abusive ex was a ‘lovely, generous’ person when they first met, but she soon fell victim to his controlling behaviour.

She said: ‘He’d call me a slag. Soon he started hitting me.

‘Every time, he’d cry and say it wouldn’t happen again. Towards the end he was hitting me near enough every day.’

Following her final attack, Danielle lost consciousness and woke up surrounded by blood.

She recalled: ‘I’d been out cold for three or four minutes… there was blood all over me, all over the bed, all over the walls.’

Danielle eventually split with her ex and sought counseling. Afterward, life couldn’t have gotten better. She went on to win Miss Great Britain only to have her title stripped when she posed for Playboy. Now she dates soccer players and continues to show her tits. If Danielle can do it, Rihanna can too. One day she may even date an LT or a Tom Brady. Dare to dream, Rihanna. Just like Danielle did!

Danielle Lloyd celebrated her upcoming birthday (Dec. 16) over the weekend by dressing up as a 17th century hooker and forcing everyone else to do the same. Surrounding herself with less physically gifted women was a good move. Reports indicate barrels of mead were consumed and fun was had by all. At one point, a breast may have even popped out.

In other news, I too dressed up as a wench over the weekend and scoured the web for fetish porn. But, shh, if anybody asks, that wasn’t me at the public library.

Here’s Danielle Lloyd sitting by the pool in a rainbow bikini. There’s also a guy wearing capri pants with a strip of his hair dyed white like Rogue from X-Men walking alongside her. I believe he’s from the Make-A-Wish foundation because it’s quite obvious he’s terminal with a killer sense of style. Rimshot, please! Or not.

Millions ask why? Isn’t there enough pollution in the world? Think of the children you heathen! Nevertheless, someone out there thought this DVD was a good investment. The press didn’t buy it and they tried to liven things up with a question and answer session.

Unfortunately, our dear Danielle is unable to string two words together without a publicist. As you can see in the banner pic, she resorted to holding up her hands to answer the following questions:

“How high can you count?”, “What is the ideal penis size?”, “What is your IQ?” and “How many minutes are left in your 15 minutes of fame?”

With that last answer, the press let out a collective groan. One reporter fells to his knees, raised his arms to the heavens and cried out “WHY??” Another journalist was seen cowering in a corner, muttering “I got a journalism degree for this??!?”

Guest contributor: Captain Swarthy

Danielle Lloyd held a pimps and tarts party for her 24th birthday. I’m glad women are eager to dress up as high class prostitutes outside of America once in a while as well. I hear it feels very empowering. Too bad I’ll never be invited to any of these again. How was I supposed to know that it wasn’t one of those hilariously themed parties where men take on the roles of women and women take on the roles of men? They should have printed it on the invitation that I happened to see on the Facebook page of a girl I was spying on. And while I’m giving out advice, next time make the font bigger. It’s really hard to read the address when you’re 6 feet away.

Normally I don’t approve of lingerie models dressing up as lingerie models, but Danielle Lloyd won me over with her costume. This is a costume, right? Well, whatever, it’s perfect. Ladies, take note. If you’re hot with big tits and a nice ass, this is the costume you want to wear for Halloween, Christmas, New Years, President’s Day, Martin Luther King Day, Labor Day, Father’s Day, Mother’s Day, Valentine’s Day… screw it, just wear it year round.