David Beckham posted a picture of his wife Victoria on Facebook with the caption, “So proud of my wife taking #NYFW by the balls.” Which is sort of incorrect. Victoria more so juggled the balls than took them. But that’s okay, they’re English. American isn’t their first language.

Victoria and David Beckham sent a Christmas card featuring their four children half-naked to close friends and select journalists. The photo was then “leaked” online by Vogue Magazine senior fashion news editor Jane Keltner De Valle who posted it on Twitter with the caption, “Cutest thing about victoriabeckham’s xmas card? Photo cred on back that reads ‘Picture by Daddy.” From there it was picked up by other sites and re-posted by the editor of Glamour.

Turns out when they sent it out to magazine editors, they weren’t expecting it to be posted on the net. That’s like sending a hungry bear a Christmas ham and not expect him to eat it, just, admire it.

What’s up with that card anyway? Four Three topless boys and one girl with a reindeer nose and antlers drawn on one of them? “Get out of my head!,” said Jerry Sandusky.

Here’s a shirtless David Beckham boogie boarding with his kids in Malibu while his wife stays at home recovering from pushing an 8 lb parasite from her womb. I especially like the top picture because he looks like he’s mocking the gays.

Victoria Beckham debuted her baby in a black and white photo she took herself on Twitter and Facebook and not in a magazine that paid her $100,000 for a front cover. What? Does she have a tumor or something? David also explained why they named her Harper Seven.

“A lot of people have assumed that it’s just because it was my shirt number that I wore for many years… Part of it is because I had so much luck around wearing that number, wearing it for England, wearing it for Manchester United — it was such an influential number throughout my career, and a lucky number, but that wasn’t the main reason,” he said. “The other reasons behind ‘Seven’ were because it symbolizes spiritual perfection, Seven Wonders of the World, seven colors of the rainbow and in many cultures around the world, it’s regarded as a lucky number.”

Harper Seven is only one week old and is already in obnoxiously cute pictures. Yikes. My heart is beginning to melt. I better stop looking at these before I develop “feelings.”

Recently there was a story about how Victoria Beckham was giving up having a daughter. Apparently that was a lie because she’s pregnant again. This will be Victoria and David Beckham’s fourth.

“David and Victoria Beckham are delighted to confirm they are expecting their fourth child in the summer. Brooklyn, Romeo and Cruz are very excited about the arrival of their new brother or sister.”

Doesn’t Victoria weight about 90 pounds? Her pregnant is like stuffing a full grown pig in a turkey. It’s already a foregone conclusion this is going to be a C-section. The only way this will be a natural birth is if they fired the Large Haldron Collider at her crotch to create a black hole for the baby to come through. What I just said makes no scientific sense but you get what I mean. She has a small vagina.

The title is a little misleading. It implies David Beckham punched a fan or something but really he just confronted him after he started yelling “stop with prostitutes” at him.

In case you haven’t heard, last week Beckham was accused of paying big money for threesomes with a couple of prostitutes. One ex-call girl publicly came forward and the other hooker remained anonymous but confirmed the story. Beckham sued In Touch over the story because they didn’t have proof apart from the word of a couple of hookers.

Anyway, after a LA Galaxy game on Friday, a guy yelled “stop with the prostitutes” at David. David didn’t like that too much so he turned around, went up to the fan and told him to say it to his face. Of course the guy didn’t because he’s a big pussy. In fact, I think the guy turned into a swooning 14-year-old girl when a shirtless David Beckham walked toward him. He kept on insisting he didn’t say anything. He was probably trying to hide his erection.

I noticed my last Teen Choice Awards post didn’t include the important people. To make it up to you, here they are. If you thought the last set had hot chicks in it, wait until you see Leighton Meester, Megan Fox, Shailene Woodley, Victoria Justice and Ian Somerhalder. Rawr. The next set I’m putting up will be even sexier than this one. It’ll be 30 photos of me shirtless and flexing in the mirror. Grr, I’m strong!

Italian comedy show La Iene thought it’d be a good idea to verify whether or not David Beckham’s package was enhanced for his Armani ads. Elena Di Cioccio of the show decided to do this by grabbing David’s junk with rubber gloves while he was being interviewed. Guess how that went. She wasn’t even smooth about it because you could see her coming a mile away. Beckham’s people rushed him away while security held back Elena. Somehow the 100 lb woman escaped their grasps and made one last attempt to talk to David. Security there is great.

I think Elena got off easy. Whenever I try to verify the assets of celebrities like Kate Beckinsale, I’m tased, handcuffed and kicked in the ribs. Why? It’s not like they’re real people!

Anyway, if you want to check out the video, fast forward to 1:50 because the first 2 minutes are pretty much just close-ups of David Beckham’s cock.

In a new series of ads for Armani, former Spice Girl, former breast-enhancement enthusiast and (still!) queen of the soccer wives Victoria Beckham is shown successfully navigating a ladder in skyscraper heels.

The shoot is missing hubby and occasional modeling partner David, who is busy going through the motions in Major League Soccer while no doubt avoiding nanny-trysts and mocking texts from former Manchester United teammates, who continue to be amongst football’s elite in Europe, regularly winning trophies and continuing to build their legacy as one of sports most storied franchises. Meanwhile, Davey plays kick-about in something called the Home Depot Centre.

Anyhow, rumors have emerged that David may be doing a photo shoot in the near future, but not with Victoria. Instead, it would be Angelina Jolie. Beckham took no time in shooting this down, however:

“She’s an amazing person and so is Brad. They’re an incredible couple – got an amazing family. You know she wouldn’t do it and I wouldn’t do it. At the end of the day, I wouldn’t do it because I’m married.”

Dude. It’s Angelina Jolie. Come on. And spare us the devoted husband crap. You’ve already messed around before, so getting a picture taken with one of the planet’s most beautiful women (and noted freak and relationship-buster) isn’t exactly out of your wheelhouse. Honestly, you could be married to a chick version Galactus and you should still be making up feasible cover stories and buying Tide to Go for the lipstick/blood that’ll be staining your collar. You know, just in case.

Click through the header for the HQ.

Every year David Beckham takes a holy journey to watch the Lakers try and make it to the NBA finals. At the same time, every year Victoria Beckham asks how the Lakers game was and David always looks at her confused and asks, “Game?” Then Victoria surfs to The Daily Mail and sees these photos. And then she weeps into her hands. And David sees this sobbing, skeletal figure, sighs, shuts his eyes and thinks of Laker girl #4′s ass. It’s become somewhat of a tradition.

Victoria Beckham and husband David have been indulging in Geisha facials, here on in to be known as bird poo facials. Victoria, having long battled with acne, says she discovered the miracle beauty treatment after learning the local Japanese women achieved their unblemished complexion by smearing nightingale feces over their faces. When Victoria returned to the US, she found a few salons in New York that offered the $200 facials. The Daily Mail reports, “She tried it and loved how great her skin looked. She also uses a cream derived from nightingale poo at home.”

Did Victoria actually see the Japanese women putting this on their faces or did they just tell her the most ridiculous thing they could think of. Was there stifled laughter when they described in broken English that covering their face with bird crap was the best thing they’ve ever done? Did they at any point after she left chuckle, “Heh heh heh. Stupid wanker.” Because these are all signs that they might not have been 100% honest.

Ever since those David Beckham Armani ads were released, women have been wondering if they were digitally retouched or not. Well, DJ Kyle Sandilands of Australia confirmed that he’s a huge pervert who checked out David Beckham’s penis while using the urinals at Villa nightclub in LA. Kyle told listeners of his radio show:

“I was in the toilet at Villa nightclub in LA and there’s only two urinals in there, it’s very small.

“Somebody comes in behind me, and I hear a soft voice say ‘Hello, how are you?’ I turned around and think: ‘Holy s***! It’s David Beckham!’

“I’m midway through and I think, I’ve got to slow this down. I couldn’t help myself, for the first time in my life, I glanced down to the left and had a look.”

Asked whether Becks was a big boy, Kyle replied: “There’s two types of penis.

“There’s the one that’s the same size all the time and the other one changes in size.

“Let’s just say he looks like he’s got it going on whether it’s happy or not.”

Oh and of course Kyle would like to add, “No homo.” Seriously. Kyle would only check out David’s package. C’mon guys. You gotta believe him.

Last week, David Beckham went to Macy’s in San Francisco to attend the unveiling of his gigantic Armani poster. It was greeted with high pitched shrieks from throngs of women and quiet whimpering from their boyfriends. David Beckham, yesterday, took to his website to express his surprise over the amount of attention the poster is receiving.

Well I’m sure you’ve seen the pictures but last week I went to San Francisco to see the unveiling of the new Emporio Armani campaign I shot a while back. To be honest I was amazed by the huge billboard poster outside Macy’s department store, but even more amazed by the amount of people who turned up to see it! I’m always surprised by the amount of attention certain things create, but the attention this campaign has created is pretty incredible. It was great to meet some of the people who’d come out especially though, I’ve always wanted to visit San Francisco, so it was a great to finally get there…

Of course, David is probably well aware that women are focused mainly on his package. To that I say, oh yeah? Well… well… I have huge… muscles. Admire me! Look! I can open a jar of mayo with my bare hands. Grr. I’m strong.