David Caruso’s ex-girlfriend is suing the actor for “emotional distress” and “breach of an agreement to support her.” Caruso dumped Liza Marquez when she was pregnant with their second child in 2007 and officially split with her via paternity action after she gave birth. A note along with the paperwork read: “reconciliation is not an option.”

Liza claims David promised to pay her $1 million but never did. The suit also alleges David wanted her to get an abortion for her first pregnancy, “raised a hand” to her while she was pregannt, accused her of wanting to sleep with Billy Dee Williams (who wouldn’t! swoon) and told people she was crazy. Liza also says she happened to stumble upon David’s private stash of 1970′s porn. A golden age for adult films.

David, upon hearing this, tilted his head down, put on his sunglasses, raised his head and said, “I like turtles.” Man, that David is not clever at all without a writer.

[Star, Radar]

For those of you who don’t watch this show, CSI: Miami is now in its 5th season and over the course of 5 years, it has grown more preposterous with each episode. I just finished watching the season premiere and this season is by far the most ludicrous and laughable. The man who makes this possible is David Caruso who plays Horatio Caine. Here are 5 scenes from the season premiere which solidifies it as the most unintentionally idiotic/hilarious program on television.

1. Rock music plays as Antonio looks at Horatio from across the street. After a bus passes by, he stares in disbelief as Horatio seems to have vanished into thin air. He’s gonna get you Antonio and you won’t see it coming.

2. Horatio dramatically kneeling down underneath the humongous statue of Jesus Christ in Brazil. Dramatic kneeling. That’s a new one.

3. Horatio speaks in his trademark dramatic way as his brother dies in front of him. William Shatner would be proud.

4. Horatio standing around aimlessly as Delco swings at Brazilians in scooters with a stick. Apparently, Brazilian thugs circle around you in scooters and brandish weapons at you, but they don’t attack…they just circle.

5. Horatio in a knife fight. You have to see it. I could describe him as a retarded monkey, but that would make it sound cooler than it is. He still tilts his head to one side and still gives a dramatic one-liner as he stabs some guy to death.