David Hasselhoff filmed scenes for Celebrity Apprentice with his girlfriend Hayley Roberts at a park in Sydney today. I think the theme was “David Hasselhoff got drunk again.”

David Hasselhoff said on the UK TV show Loose Women that he can’t understand his girlfriend Hayley Roberts because of her thick Welsh accent. “We have long conversations because she’s from Wales and I can’t understand her.” Whatever. Who understands women anyway. I just sort of tune out and go to my happy place.

That didn’t stop him from trying to get in her pants though. “We’re just starting. I wooed her, yeah, I was a gentleman. I wooed her by going down to Wales and seeing her. You have to open the doors, petals on the bed. All that, yeah.”

Odd. I thought David’s idea of wooing is to get plastered and drunkenly eat hamburgers on the floor while his girlfriend tapes him. It’s like food porn.

David Hasselhoff showed up at a press conference yesterday to announce he’ll be taking a break from judging Britain’s Got Talent to begin a concert tour in Germany, Australia and Switzerland. The three countries where his album will be released.

David also wore a fancy shiny suit to the presser. If that thing was any louder, everyone would be bleeding from the ears. I bet people confused him with that guy who paints himself silver and pretends to be a robot. “Hey, why aren’t you making the robot sounds,” an annoying fat kid probably yelled at him at one point or another.

Every girl out there should be worried because David Hasselhoff is apparently back on the prowl and no woman or man can resist his savoir-faire, stalker-like persistence or bad puns. His latest target is Sophie Monk. She’s doing a good job withstanding the charms of this silver-tongued devil, but sooner or later, she’s going to break. They all break.

Aussie actress Sophie Monk says David Hasselhoff has been bombarding her with calls since they met on the film Click. “I’ve been stalked by the Hoff,” she said, but called David a “sweetie-pie” for his support over a break-up.

She said: “He would say things like, let’s go get some ‘Hoff-ee’.” [Mirror]

That’s it. I’m turning gay. There’s no way I can compete with that.

Last Friday, David Hasselhoff was taken to the hospital after allegedly suffering a seizure at his home in Encino. Radar says he was drinking heavily and that he was 5150′d. They say the binge he was on caused the seizure. David was released Monday following two days in the hospital. People close to him now want to force him into rehab.

But wait. It gets better. David’s ex-wife, Pamela Bach, was arrested in Van Nuys last night for DUI. She blew a .13 and .14. She told TMZ,

“I am remorseful and mortified. I am going through a really difficult time between David being in the hospital and dealing with the divorce (they divorced in 2007).”

This is Bach’s second DUI of the year. The first being in March where she pled no contest and was put on probation. But this is LA so there will be no real repercussions even though TMZ says a second DUI is supposed to get you mandatory jail time. Maybe TMZ isn’t explaining it right. In celebrity speak, “mandatory jail time” means they’ll give Pamela a new Ferrari from the impound lot and also give her a private 911 number to call for the next time she’s drunk. That way a cop will show up to chauffeur her home in his squad car so she won’t have to deal with the pesky media.

Nowadays, more people remember David Hasselhoff as the drunk guy eating a cheeseburger in that YouTube video than Mitch Buchannon in Baywatch or Michael Knight in Knight Rider. And that’s not going to change anytime soon. TMZ reports David was on the drunk warpath again. This time in Canada beating on old people.

Multiple sources tell us it all went down at the Cascade Casino, when The Hoff somehow got himself involved in an altercation with an elderly patron.

We’re told three casino security personnel were called to the scene … and Hoff was eventually escorted away.

But here’s the most shocking part … We’re told Hoff was seen drinking again just 7 hours later.

In David’s defense, you know how annoying old people can get what with their slow moving Rascal scooters and pointing of canes and eerie moans reminiscent of death when you punch them in a drunken stupor.

David Hasselhoff was hospitalized for two days for having too much fun. According to The Sun, Hasselhoff was in London to celebrate Simon Cowell’s 50th birthday blowout. As you all know, once the party starts with David, it doesn’t stop until a doctor gets punched in the face. In this case, that happened later that night, but only after he wet his bed. Wait, what?

“David is very hard to handle when he drinks, often very emotional and aggressive.

“On this occasion he became so drunk he wet his hotel bed – ruining two mattresses – and was becoming a real pain for staff.

“His assistant Joe Townley was so concerned he called out a doctor.

“David was furious and lashed out at him – but mistakenly hit the doctor.

“They decided they had no option but to lock him in the basement until an ambulance arrived.”

Hotel guest Maria Weston, 44, told how she saw Hasselhoff swearing in the bar.

She said: “He was abusing all the staff, shouting at everyone. We were shocked – you’d think he was just some drunk, not a big star.”

TMZ called to confirm Hasselhoff was at Cowell’s party (he was) and they contacted the doctor’s office where David allegedly attacked (the assistant said “no comment”). Unfortunately, TMZ didn’t dig in the trash bin outside his hotel to confirm the wet bed report.

After hearing this and numerous other stories of his drunken antics, people might say he has a problem. But let’s see what The Hoff has to say about that. “U sin of a bitch. u habe rhe porblem.” Very well put David. I couldn’t agree more.

[Image: Splash News]

It was earlier reported that his daughter Hayley called her mom to tell her daddy was drinking again. Her mom mumbled something about hamburgers, dialed  911 and had paramedics rush David to the hospital.

Today, David Hasselhoff refutes that claim saying he didn’t go to the hospital due to alcohol poisoning. He just had an adverse reaction when he mixed medications.

David says he was taking Antivert for an ear infection. He also claims he was taking Antabuse, which keeps alcoholics from drinking. David says the combo “messed up his equilibrium” causing him to feel sick. When the paramedics arrived, David chose to go to the hospital for the equilibrium problem.

Well, duh. Antivert and Antabuse. It’s so obvious! Those two medications combined can make anyone seem drunk. Plus, it didn’t help that he probably washed it down with a liter of Vodka. [TMZ]

David Hasselhoff had to be taken to the hospital due to alcohol poisoning Sunday afternoon. David was home with his daughter Hayley, 17, and male assistant and had been drinking for more than a day. No hamburgers were found at the scene. Radar says the Hoff has been hospitalized with alcohol poisoning more than five times during the past few years.

Hoff has consistently been in denial about his severe alcoholism say people close to him. He denied that it was alcohol poisoning behind his hospitalization earlier this year but the details of his story changed as more people confirmed it.

“It’s sad,” a source told RadarOnline.com. “He needs help and he’s in denial.”

That is sad. That this is Germany’s pride and joy. If I were Germany, I’d start celebrating their other stuff like bratwurst or weird German fetish porn. Sort of like what Japan did with their tentacle rape to take focus off their dolphin massacres. That’s what they did, right?

[Image: Splash News]

Radar reported over the weekend that David Hasselhoff’s 16-year-old daughter Hayley found him passed out on the floor in his house with what was later discovered was a BAC of .39.

A source said a frightened Hayley kept “slapping her dad’s face” to keep him alive. “He was barely breathing when they got him at the hospital.

“He’s recovering. Pam was his bedside till 4a.m. this morning. This is about the 7th time he’s been taken to a hospital over the last few years with alcohol poisoning. How many visits will it take before he dies?”

TMZ flatly denies this report claiming David’s ex, Pamela Bach, exaggerated the story to tarnish his reputation. You know, the one he got after that video of him drunkenly eating a hamburger destroyed his previous one. They say that while David had been drinking, he was nowhere near comatose. He was actually sick at the same time which, when combined with the alcohol, made things worse. That’s when David, under his own power, walked to his car and was driven to Cedars-Sinai Medical.

I like Radar’s version much better. With theirs I get to imagine a David Hasselhoff reeking of alcohol, lying face down on the ground and being dragged by his feet to the car and then driven to Cedars-Sinai where Pamela pushes his limp, lifeless body out in front of the hospital and peels off. If I know David, and I’d like to think I do, it’s how he’d want the story to be remembered.

The drunken Hamburgler known as David Hasselhoff, in a very vain attempt at jumping on the social network bandwagon, has created a brand new social networking site centered around him called HoffSpace. Now you can interact with people around the world who are just as deranged as you. On his site, David explains the impetus for this tragic mistake:

In my travels round the world I have always been surprised that no matter where I go people recognize and know me, from Europe, Australia and India to the Philippines and the Zulu Nation in South Africa. This got me thinking… I realized that while two people from two entirely different countries and backgrounds may seem to have nothing in common, the only thing they might have in common is me… So I decided to start a network where people from across the world might come together and get a conversation started over me. Where it will lead, I don’t know but the world would be a better place if everyone talked a little more to each other…

So here is HoffSpace. There are videos and photos of the adventures of my life (THAT NO ONE ELSE GETS TO SEE) and also from the lives of other members. Read the discussions or start a forum on a topic that interests you.

David boasts that the site already has 13,424 members. These lucky few will not only have access to the video of The Hoff after a night of drinking, but they’ll also have access to other David Hasselhoff classics such as The Hoff ruins Christmas, The Hoff drinks while driving, The Hoff plays quarters with Lindsay Lohan and my personal favorite, The Hoff makes a vodka cheeseburger shake and finds out it’s not as tasty as he imagined.

David Hasselhoff recently split from his wife Pamela Bach which means this hamburger eating sex machine is back on the prowl. Rawr. The Hoff’s got the moves and he’s not afraid to use them. How can women resist? Apparently, quite easily. Gatecrasher writes,

“The female of the group [a busty, cute brunette] was approached by the assistant of David Hasselhoff after the taping, and he gave her an autographed photo of him. On the back of the photo was the assistant’s phone number and a suggestion that she get in touch with ‘them.’ Also listed was the name of the hotel [the London] where they were staying.”

What a lady killer. I would have put a winking smiley face on the back like “;)” so she knew I was thinking naughty thoughts and that I wasn’t actually going to give her a job or anything. But, that’s just me. I’m a sly dog.

Granted, I’m kind of curious as to which picture he signed. The one up top seems pretty cool, but so does this one. Although, I’m really partial to this one.

Piers Morgan describes himself as a good friend of David Hasselhoff who worked with him on America’s Got Talent. Piers says The Hoff is an extremely insecure individual with a massive ego. Not a day goes by that Hasselhoff doesn’t mention Baywatch or Knightrider being the “biggest tv shows ever” and the “9 million albums I’ve sold in Germany.”

According to Morgan, the former “Baywatch” star engages in “endless self-aggrandizing” and yet is “an insecure man who just wants to be loved. I sit next to him in the makeup trailer, and he is bordering on the obsessive about his personal appearance.”

He should be insecure. Clearly, only Germany buys his crap because they have to. You can’t hate your own national export. On the inside, Germans are really bitter that a drunk Hamburgler represents their country. I think that’s why Hitler killed so many people.