Good on Lainey for finding this one because it proves that celebrities don’t even use their brain any more. They just go through whatever talking points their publicist give them.

Taylor Kitsch (Friday Night Lights) went on Letterman to promote his new movie John Carter. Letterman asked about what it was like to shoot in the Philippines. Not good, apparently. Taylor says he was harassed by custom officers who denied him entry because he ran out of pages to stamp. Taylor says he even tried bribe him with an iPhone. Kitsch eventually showed them a trailer for John Carter on his iPhone which ended up being the only reason they let him in. By the way, 20 iPhone 4s and 5 iPad 3′s will be waiting on his doorstep when he gets back.

The only problem with this story is Kitsch was never in the Philippines. The Philippine Customs Commissioner conducted an investigation and was rightfully pissed when he found out the truth. He issued a lengthy response proving Taylor Kitsch was never even in the Philippines. He was most likely in Indonesia where he was shooting Savages. The Philippine Customs Commissioner then pounded his chest with a limp wrist and went, “Dur dur dur, Me Taylor Kitsch. Me fail geography.” Actually, no, he had a lengthy response basically saying Taylor was wrong and an apology would be nice. Sure, it was Letterman who started talking about the Philippines but you’d expect Kitsch to have corrected him. Maybe he figured the two places were interchangeable.

If that’s the case, he may want to stop while he’s ahead because I’m going to guess his apology will go something like, “Sorry for confusing the Philippines with Indonesia, but can you blame me? They all look the same.”

By the way, Disney released 10 minutes of John Carter.

Eva Longoria hit up David Letterman in half a tuxedo last night. The entire interview was just her flashing side boob and pretending her button accidentally came undone on her shirt. This was less about cooking and more about her giving me an erection. *Golf clap* Oh and you can’t forget the braying laugh either. Calm down, woman.

And what’s with her recipes anyway. When asked what she’d make if guests were to come over, she said tortilla soup and guacamole. You know. Since guac is so hard to make. Eva even gave her super secret recipe for guac which included avocados, onions, cilantro and tomatoes. My god. Restaurants like El Torito better prepare for the guacamole revolution. Eva just gave it all up.

James Franco generally sucked while co-hosting the Oscars with Anne Hathaway. The show itself sucked but at least Anne put in effort. In fact, judging by the way James acted, people thought he was high. He wasn’t, apparently.

Franco went on Letterman and theorized people thought that because Anne Hathaway was so energetic. “I’ve thought about it. I think I know why, because — I love her — but Anne Hathaway is so energetic, I think the Tasmanian Devil would look stoned standing next to Anne Hathaway.”

James added that he hadn’t watched the show and admitted he might have had low energy but “I actually played those lines as well as I could.”

He then pointed out the hypocrisy of Hollywood: “But here’s the hypocritical thing: Leading up the Oscars, I couldn’t hear enough about how, ‘Oh, people don’t care about the Oscars anymore; it’s dead, it’s boring, it’s at the end of a long awards season, who cares about it?’ Well, as soon as you don’t host the way they want you to, they suddenly care and won’t shut up about it!”

Yea, tell me about it, James Franco. First the big wigs are all like “sir, you’re not allowed in there. That’s Megan Fox’s private dressing room,” and then they’re all like “securrriittyyy!” What’s up with that?

Justin Bieber’s girlfriend and the most hated girl in the world among 8-13 year olds, Selena Gomez, was a guest on the Late Show with David Letterman. She showed up at the studio wearing a lace top. More girls should dress like this. As you can plainly see, good things happen to you when you do. Like being invited to a big time talk show, dating Justin Bieber and being on this prestigious website.

Amanda Seyfried went on Letterman last night and she looked fantastic. Of course by fantastic I mean she wore a tight dress that hugged her body and pushed her boobs up to her chin. What other type of fantastic is there? That was a rhetorical question by the way.

Yesterday, Lindsay Lohan sent out a tweet that read, “I am NOT going to be doing David Letterman, I’m not sure how this happened, but I am sorry for the confusion…” She was talking about a supposed appearance she was booked to make on Thursday’s Late Show With David Letterman where she would read the top ten list live via satellite.

A rep for Letterman says they were tricked into thinking the person who reached out to them was authorized to do so on Lindsay’s behalf.

Everyone started wondering which parasitic fame monger did it. There were only two choices, Dina or Michael Lohan. Looks like it was Michael.

Michael tells TMZ that he did it after Letterman did a joke about Lindsay on Friday’s Top 10. He claims Lindsay knew about the booking and they even talked about transportation to the studio but Lindsay’s handlers got wind of the appearance and put a stop to it. Now Michael is crying “anything positive that I bring into her life… [her people] try to nix it.”

Everyone in her life is using her one way or another. If it’s not for fame, then it’s for money. She’d be better off letting a magic 8-ball make career choices for her.

Inside Justin Bieber lies the soul of a 15-year-old teenybopper. Justin made an appearance on The Late Show With David Letterman last night and his interview was punctuated with the word “like” every 5 seconds. Popeater made a nice montage of Justin’s inability to speak without help from the filler word. Choice quotes include:

“Right now [I'm] just kind of like focusing like on my music a lot and stuff like that’s really like important to me.”

“Like most people would just think like they just put me together; some people just made me; and like I’m just like some factory like machine.”

“Like, like I like only drive like at home, because like when I’m in like, like places like this like New York and stuff–”

He should, like, learn to, like, stop using, like, the word “like” because, like, it gets kinda, like, annoying. Like, ya know? You almost, like, want to, like, beat him in the face, like, with a ball peen hammer.

Hey, you know what? When you say it like that, it doesn’t come off quite as angry.

Fresh off the controversy of her see-through panties Maxim cover, Olivia Munn tweeted photos of herself at the David Letterman show. Her greatest scam is pretending to be one of the guys, just sexier and with a vagina and that’s damn irritating but the trade-off is we get to see pictures like this. You see, you have to remind them why you aren’t on the same level as them. A good way to do that is with T&A.

A year ago, Joaquin Phoenix was on David Letterman in character for his movie I’m Still Here. The interview was a disaster and left Letterman confused and sort of pissed. That’s what reports implied anyway.

On Wednesday, Joaquin Phoenix went back on Letterman and apologized. “I mean, I think that you’ve interviewed many, many people and I assumed that you would know the difference between a character and a real person,” Joaquin said. “I hope I didn’t offend you in any way.”

Letterman responded, “I’m telling you, it was so much fun. It was batting practice, you know what I mean? Every one of them was a dinger. I was looking for a beat down, and I got one… I want to thank you for that.” Adding, “[it was] like you slipped and hit your head in the tub.”

Letterman also wanted to make it clear he wasn’t in on it. Although that’s still debatable even after this interview. He asked Phoenix, “Was there a script that you and I were working with?” Joaquin replied, “No.” All that means is they didn’t work off a script.

Whoa, whoa. No need to plug the movie anymore Joaquin. You had me at “drugs, hookers and vomit.” Anymore promotion is just icing on the cake or should I say, poop on the chest.

Jennifer Garner must have been really hot back then because not even dolphins could keep their grubby little fins off of her. Garner was on Letterman promoting Valentine’s Day where she told the story of how a dolphin finished on her foot.

“I had my feet dangling in the water. And the dolphin came and swam right over my foot. I thought, ‘That was so cool!’ The dolphin started swimming around her leg faster and faster until something happened. I said to the trainer, ‘I think the dolphin just peed. He said, ‘No, ma’am, no.’”

She’s lucky the dolphin didn’t jump up and pop off in her face. I bet that dolphin was really pervy and was talking dirty underwater. Saying stuff like, “Take it! Take it, bitch! Aww, yea!” Other dolphins probably warn their dolphin children to stay away from him.

The New York Post reports David Letterman used to go on vacations with his wife, his son, and his lover at the same time. Apparently, his wife believed Stephanie Birkitt was a co-worker, friend type that must’ve been on their expensive vacation to St Barts to assist with the Late Show.

“Letterman’s wife, Regina Lasko, had no clue the comic was having an affair with his pretty, much younger assistant Stephanie Birkitt — a $200,000-a-year employee — when she was tagging along on the cozy, romantic trips, sources said.”

What a time and money saver. Instead of having two separate vacations, you can parade around your younger, hotter girlfriend while your older, miserable wife is none the wiser. Also, you and said girlfriend get to have the thrilling my-wife-doesn’t-have-a-clue sex and ninja your genitals around together while trying to not get caught. I’d have a vacation like that myself except I don’t have a family to abandon. In fact, I don’t have much, really. Just this laptop and seven strands of Rachel Weisz’s hair I got on eBay. But believe me, when I get a family, it’s straight to the Caribbean for us where operation abandonment will begin. You’ll see.

Eliza Dushku dressed up as a sexy cat burglar on Letterman last night. Gosh, that outfit is tight. She probably had to be poured in there. Are you sure this wasn’t painted on? I think it’d be best if I checked. No need to recoil in fear, I’m very thorough.

On Monday, David Letterman again apologized to his wife, Regina Lasko, for his affairs with staff members. Letterman began his monologue with, “Did your weekend just fly by?,” and said “muh bad” to both his wife and his staff. Letterman supposedly said,

“She has been horribly hurt by my behavior, and when something happens like that, if you hurt a person and it’s your responsibility, you try to fix it. At that point, there’s only two things that can happen: Either you’re going to make some progress and get it fixed, or you’re going to fall short and perhaps not get it fixed, so let me tell you folks, I got my work cut out for me.”

“I’m terribly sorry that I put the staff in that position. Inadvertently, I just wasn’t thinking ahead. And, moreover, the staff here has been wonderfully supportive to me, not just through this furor, but through all the years that we’ve been on television and especially all the years here at CBS, so, again, my thanks to the staff for, once again, putting up with something stupid I’ve gotten myself involved in.”

David is an insane genius. At first, it wasn’t clear why he admitted to the affairs on his show. Now that you see the audience roaring with applause despite Letterman being the one that cheated, it’s starting to make sense. He can do no wrong. I bet the public is so in love with him right now that if Regina came on and scolded him for cheating, the audience would boo and hiss and throw rotten tomatoes at her like she just kicked a baby.