David Spade was profiled for LA Mag in an attempt to discover how the 67 inch funny man manages to pull in models and actresses out of his league like Krista Allen, Heather Locklear, Jessica Biel and Jillian Grace, who he recently had a kid with. Eight clicks and many anecdotes later, you’re no closer to knowing his secret.

The fourth time I tried to learn Spade’s secret was when I phoned his friend Courteney Cox Arquette. I’m writing about the greatest ladies’ man of all time, I said. David Spade.

She guffawed.

“Every time I see David,” she said, “he’s always with a beautiful girl! I saw him recently with a girl. She was the most gorgeous, gorgeous, nice person I’d ever seen.”

I asked if she had any explanation for Spade. She didn’t hesitate.

“He’s funny.”

There it was, that most durable of urban legends: Women prize a sense of humor above all other qualities.

Right, I said. Funny. Carrot Top is funny, and somehow I don’t see women throwing themselves at Carrot Top.

“I don’t really know anything about Carrot Top,” Cox Arquette said.

She launched into a thoughtful sidebar on the merits of Carrot Top, choosing her words with care, as if she feared Carrot Top might be listening in.

Let’s set aside Carrot Top, I said. There must be something more to Spade than his sense of humor.

“I like his teeth,” she said. “He has good teeth.”

Funny and toothy? That’s it?

She fell silent.

“He’s smart,” she added. “You have to have a full package.”

Now we both fell silent.

“That sounded weird,” she said. “I’ve never seen his package.”

David’s secret is pretty obvious. Roofies. And lots of it. Don’t you ever wonder why when David Spade goes out on a date with someone much hotter than him, you don’t hear about it afterward? Because they don’t remember. Not only that, if you’re funny and toothy like Courtney Cox says David is, that just means it’ll be easier to slip it in her drink. Trust me on this. I did my own profile on David by looking at a bunch of naked chicks on the internet.

Back in January (awesome gallery at that link), David Spade found out he had impregnated Playboy Playmate, Jillian Grace, and released a statement saying he’ll take full responsibility if it is his. Well, guess what? Yesterday, Jillian gave birth to David’s baby girl. David, overcome with joy, said through his rep:

“David and Jillian have been in close contact throughout her pregnancy and he plans to go see the baby during his first break from shooting Rules of Engagement.”

You hear that? His first break from shooting. Not his second or third, but his first. How sweet. In related news, I’m taking bets on how soon David will tell his daughter she was an accident. 5:1 odds on her 1st birthday. 10:1 on her second birthday, 15:1 on days he just wants to hurt her.

22-year-old Playboy Playmate Jillian Grace tells TMZ that she’s knocked up with David Spade’s baby. Having never heard of condoms or birth control, Hollywood is said to be in shock that the pull out method isn’t 100% effective. Spade issued this statement,

“I had a brief relationship with Jillian Grace. If it is true that I am the father of her child, then I will accept responsibility.”

This is depressing. If David Spade can F a Playboy Playmate as hot as Jillian Grace, I should be able to beat Rockband on expert for both guitar and drums. Right? Right?!

NSFW pictures. Thought I should warn you.