Demi Moore made her first public post-rehab appearance yesterday at a Beverly Hills house party to support her friend, British TV host Amanda De Cadenet who’s launching a show on Lifetime. The program is described as being about women supporting women. Well, that better mean it’s about how one woman supports another as they bring in my huge ass sandwich from the kitchen. Barefoot. Amirite, ladies? Hello? Geez, tough crowd.

Anyway, Demi went on Twitter asking for suggestions for a new Twitter handle. @Mrskutcher just didn’t seem appropriate anymore. No ideas on my end except for one going off my previous joke: @Howaboutthatsandwich.

What’s the point in recapturing your youth if you don’t have a 20-something boyfriend to share in your whip-its and K2 Spice?

A report by Us Weekly says Demi Moore has been surrounding herself with young people to make herself feel better. Among her favorites is Zac Efron, her daughter’s good friend.

“She’s been mixing pills and Red Bulls, among other things,” another source says.
One of Moore’s favorite young stars to party with — and flirt with — is daughter Rumer Willis’s longtime friend Zac Efron, 24, a hunk nine years younger than Kutcher, 33.
A wired, gaunt Moore “tracked down” the High School Musical star at a party in L.A.’s Venice neighborhood, an insider tells Us. “She seemed out of her mind at this party.” Us Weekly

I hope Demi didn’t lick her fingers and rub her nipples to try and seduce Zac Efron. Because that’s my move.

When you’re taken to the hospital for trying to recapture your youth by doing whip-its and spice then of course it stands to reason there must have been someone there under 25 to assist you. That someone was apparently Demi Moore’s daughter, Rumer Willis, who is strongly suggested to have been present. In the 911 tape, you can hear the person asking, “What is the address Ru?”

Meanwhile, “experts” (you mean me? because I said this the day the call came out) say Demi Moore was smoking the synthetic weed K2 Spice.

Demi Moore may have been sent to the hospital after she smoked K2 Spice, a cheap herbal incense that mimics marijuana, experts speculated yesterday.

K2 Spice is temporarily illegal under a special order issued by the Drug Enforcement Administration last year. Officials are studying whether it should be made permanently illegal. Page Six

That must have been a frustrating conversation between Rumer and her mother. ”You mean this is like that Reefer? And it’s called the K2 Spices?” Meanwhile, Rumer is shaking her head in embarrassment trying to remember why she thought getting high with her mom was a good idea in the first place.

James Franco made an appearance on the set of Lovelace on Thursday where he dressed up as Hugh Hefner for a cameo in the movie. Lindsay must be kicking herself right now. If she wasn’t such a screw-up, she could be trying to have sex with him right now.

In related news, due to Demi Moore now just “wanting to get high, man,” she will be replaced by Mary-Louise Parker sarah  Jessica Parker in the role of Gloria Steinem.

TMZ released Demi Moore’s 911 call (listen here) where it’s pretty clear she wasn’t suffering from “exhaustion” but from smoking something, “not marijuana.” I’m assuming they’re talking about a synthetic marijuana like spice which is sort of legal. When paramedics were on the scene, one of the friends added that Demi was doing whip-its.

Capt. Jaime Moore with the L.A. City Fire Dept. tells TMZ … the FD redacted portions from the tape. Sources in the City Attorney’s office tell us references to specific drugs and other substances Demi ingested were redacted because of privacy issues. As TMZ first reported, one of the friends at Demi’s house told paramedics she has been using whip-its — nitrous oxide. TMZ

An earlier report adds that Demi has been suffering from a Red Bull addiction for years. Sources from Red Bull North America say they make regular deliveries of cases of the stuff to her place. Demi even drank Red Bull instead of eating food and drank a massive amount of it two weeks ago at a party.

It’s now proven. Demi Moore has transformed back into a 16-year-old. In about a week, she’ll be writing goth poetry and trying to find a pharmacy that’ll sell her the morning after pill.

My 24/7 coverage of Demi Moore is coming along nicely. The newest rumor is that the seizure Demi Moore allegedly suffered on Monday which brought her to the hospital to seek professional help may have been caused by whip-its aka nitrous oxide aka the drug of choice for high school kids and Steve-O who still has the mind of one.

The friend said she became upset when Demi had a reaction to a whip-it and lapsed into semi-consciousness.

It appears Demi had symptoms of a seizure — after inhaling the nitrous. TMZ

The only reason kids do whip-its is if they run out of weed or can’t afford ecstasy or coke. I don’t think Demi has either of those problems so based on nothing at all, Demi was probably doing it to impress an 18-year-old she was hoping to hook-up with to get back at Ashton Kutcher. Clearly.

Demi Moore may be in the hospital now for substance abuse, er, exhaustion but on January 11, she was trashed and dancing on a table while three guys sat there watching. Saddest. Striptease. Re-enactment. Ever.

Surrounded by celebs including Brody Jenner, Jersey Shore’s Paul “DJ Pauly D” DelVecchio and Miley Cyrus, Moore “looked super skinny.” For those who know Moore, it’s not surprising to see her acting out. After coming to terms with Ashton Kutcher’s multiple infidelities (most notably with 22-year-old party girl Sara Leal), the actress announced plans to end her six-year marriage in November.

On January 15, Rumer Willis accompanied her mom to Sean Penn’s Cinema for Peace Event Benefiting J/P Haitian Relief Organization in L.A. “Demi ordered about a dozen Red Bulls that night,” a source says. The Striptease star also “took a ton of pictures of people with her iPhone” throughout the night, the source adds. “She was excited to see anyone who approached her.” Us Magazine

A dozen Red Bulls. Is that safe for people of her.. years? I figure old people only drink that many Red Bulls if they want to simulate a heart attack. Hopefully she asked for a double shot of Metamucil to go along with it.

PEOPLE has more details about the night of January 11 saying Demi was grinding on 90210‘s Ryan Rottman and tickling his bare chest.

“She found ways to touch him all night, and at one point when he was in front of her, she was grinding on his butt,” the onlooker said, adding that “his shirt came unbuttoned, and she started tickling his bare chest playfully.” PEOPLE

Demi may be close to 50, but she knows how to party. *Rips off shirt* *Waits for Demi* *Giggles*

Paramedics responded to Demi Moore’s L.A. home after a 911 call was placed at 10:45 p.m. on Monday night. Following careful assessment for a half hour, Demi was taken to a local hospital and placed in a facility to “seek further professional assistance.” Sources tell TMZ it’s for substance abuse.

The official story is Demi is being treated for exhaustion. Because that’s a thing. Whenever I get exhausted, instead of taking a nap, I always take a $700 ambulance ride to the hospital and seek professional help. Whew. So tired. Help me deal, doctor!

Demi’s rep says, “Because of the stresses in her life right now, Demi has chosen to seek professional assistance to treat her exhaustion and improve her overall health. She looks forward to getting well and is grateful for the support of her family and friends.”

When did reps start treating the public like children. “Mommy took some happy pills and Gummi juice and now she’s just a little tired. Oh, that noise? She’s just expelling the demons from her stomach.”

The foremost concern on everybody’s mind is “will Demi Moore change her Twitter handle now that she’s divorcing Ashton Kutcher?” Well, Demi has your answer and it’s no, probably not.

@MrsKutcher tweeted, “changing my twitter name isn’t a top priority right now. sorry it bothers so many of u. should I not tweet until I do?does it really matter?”

No, it doesn’t matter. You’ll just BURN IN HELL FOR ALL ETERNITY if you don’t. Oops, sorry for that. I was just practicing for whenever a story of Megan Fox being pregnant comes out and she refuses to get an abortion.

The ink hasn’t even dried on the Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher’s divorce papers yet and Demi already has a rebound guy. To be fair, Ashton didn’t wait long either.

Radar says Demi is dating “beauty mogul to the stars” Scott Vincent-Borba. He’s the CEO of celebrity endorsed BORBA skin care products. Well la-dee-da, Mr. Fancy Pants.

“They have known each other a long time and he’s really been there for her by her side through the whole Ashton thing.”

“It’s easy for Scott-Vincent to keep his relationships a secret because he’s so often photographed hanging out with celebrity clientele,” the source said.

“But he’s head over heels for Demi and there’s definitely potential for a lasting relationship between them.”Radar Online

Another reason why it’s so easy to keep his relationships a secret is because no one cares about who he dates. Until now. That’s like saying I’m good at keeping my relationships a secret. Not because I’m a PR mastermind mind you. It’s because no one cares and I don’t have any. I’m so lonely!

Apparently no amount of Kabbalah therapy could save their marriage as Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore announced today that they’re getting a divorce. Ashton naturally took to Twitter to post, “I will forever cherish the time I spent with Demi. Marriage is one of the most difficult things in the world and unfortunately sometimes they fail. Love and Light, AK.” I like how Ashton implies outside forces were responsible for the failure of his marriage and not the fact he banged a bunch of whores while Demi wasn’t looking.

Meanwhile, Demi eschewed a social media statement and went old school with a plain old regular statement through the wire. She said, “It is with great sadness and a heavy heart that I have decided to end my six-year marriage to Ashton. As a woman, a mother and a wife there are certain values and vows that I hold sacred, and it is in this spirit that I have chosen to move forward with my life. This is a trying time for me and my family, and so I would ask for the same compassion and privacy that you would give to anyone going through a similar situation.” That was basically Demi putting all the blame on Ashton for the dissolution of their marriage.

In other news, Kim Kardashian jumped for joy because this is going to take some of the heat off her own fake marriage/divorce. Now she and her people don’t have to go through with their plan of leaking pictures of a fat(ter) Khloe Kardashian and implying she’s pregnant.

Ashton Kucher wasn’t the only unfaithful one in his relationship with Demi Moore. A source claims to In Touch that Demi hooked up with Ben Hollingsworth, a Canadian actor she befriended when he moved to LA.

Demi, 48, met Ben, 27, when he moved from Canada to LA. He was a struggling actor and Demi made it her responsibility to help bolster his career. “He was star starstruck from the start,” the insider tells In Touch. Demi and Ben formed a “fast friendship” that quickly developed into something more.

Demi took Ben around Hollywood introducing him to everyone and showing him the hippest spots, shares the source. She even introduced him to Ashton, and helped Ben with his role on The Beautiful Life on the CW (Ashton, 33, was the executive producer of the show). ”She helped him a lot,” says the source.

Ben was even invited to party at Demi’s house with his friends. “They smoked a lot of weed,” reveals the source. “Demi [who didn't smoke] was cool about it all. She and Ashton acted like teenagers.”

Then, one night Demi gave Ben a ride after a night out partying. “They wound up having sex in the back of the car,” says the insider. “It just kept going from there.”

“[Ben] said she was really hot and she took care of him,” adds the insider. Hollywood Life

This is Hollywood where debauchery is king. Everyone cheats on everybody. It all boils down to who can cover it up the best. Apparently these two suck at it.

In related news, Demi’s ex-husband, Bruce Wills, made Ashton Kutcher cry.

“Ashton kept avoiding Bruce’s calls and texts, but finally agreed to meet his wife’s ex-husband at a private location,” said a close pal of the couple.

“Bruce was livid! He reamed Ashton for his cheating – and humiliating not just ex-wife Demi, but his three daughters as well. He went at Ashton full force, giving him no time to make excuses for his embarrassing behavior, demanding that he get his act together FAST!

“Ashton finally broke down in tears, weeping uncontrollably as he begged for forgiveness.”

The “Two and a Half Men” star – devastated because Demi’s consulted a divorce attorney – begged Bruce to step in and stop her from committing to a separation.

He reportedly vowed to Bruce: “I will NEVER, EVER cheat again!” National Enquirer

Aw, someone call the wahmbulance. Get a hold of yourself, man. You didn’t run over a homeless guy and try to hide the evidence. You banged an average looking blonde in your hotel room. When Ashton started weeping, I hope Bruce Willis looked at him disgusted and screamed, “Stop crying, you pussy!”

According to Star Magazine, Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore got together over the weekend to try and save their marriage. Naturally, they did so by going camping in the Santa Ynez Valley.

The trip was a chance for Demi and Ashton to talk about his cheating and discuss how they’re going to move forward. But everyone knows you can’t expect privacy when you’re in the middle of the woods.

A neighboring camper spotted them and snapped shots of the reunion. Demi, pissed, screamed at the woman taking the pictures, “Please don’t take photos of me or my family. Please don’t expose this.”

As you can see, Demi is very convincing because they promptly deleted the photos. Haha, just kidding. They sold them to Star.

Demi, Ashton and friends scurried back into their tents to avoid the amateur photog. A witness said Demi “whistled at Ashton and gestured for him to hurry into the tent. It was obvious that Demi was showing the strain about the state of her marriage.”

You can pretty much imagine Ashton looking like a dog with his tail between his legs as he went back into the tent.