Everyone reported yesterday that Michael Caine, while shooting in New Orleans, took a nap in a dressing room and was inadvertently locked in. Turns out it’s not true.

“Just read another story about me being locked in attick [sic], completely false,” Caine tweeted Thursday.

A few hours later, he added, “Everyone who has published this story has been tricked. Its completely untrue.” NYDN

First of all, Michael Caine has a Twitter? Second of all, the reason everyone believed this story is because Michael Caine is old and old people just randomly fall asleep wherever. They could have said Michael Caine fell asleep on a toilet and people would still have believed it. In fact, the most likely reaction to that would be, “Aww, old people are so cute.”

Kim Kardashian has denied that a photo floating around of a woman cooking in the nude is of her pre-breast augmentation (sort of NSFW picture here). A spokesman for Kim says, “It’s not her. You can totally tell. It looks nothing like her.”

That’s not entirely true. It does sort of look like Kim but it’s so nondescript that it also looks like hundreds of other women. You can’t just go around throwing up pictures of any Armenian-looking woman with a big ass and call it Kim Kardashian. At least that’s what my lawyers advise me.

Mila Kunis spent a weekend with Ashton Kutcher in Santa Barbara doing coupley things like buying fruit from roadside stands and shopping for furniture but that doesn’t mean they’re dating.

Extra’s Ben Lyons caught up with Mila at CinemaCan in Las Vegas where she said, “It’s absurd! A friend is a friend.”

Does this mean they’re friends with benefits? Because if that’s the case, I could understand why she doesn’t want people thinking that jackass was poking her just for fun.

According to Amanda Bynes’ dad, Rick Bynes, his daughter is not a drunken mess who routinely crashes into police cruisers because she doesn’t even drink. Rick tells PEOPLE, “I was told that she blew a zero on the Breathalyzer. She didn’t have a single drink that night. My daughter doesn’t drink.” Cue the sad eye rolls.

Rick says the cop she sideswiped was at fault as he pulled out in front of her while she was turning at the West Hollywood intersection. He says Amanda wasn’t impaired and was only arrested because “she was upset and very emotional.” Sort of like how a drunk person gets when they drive into a cop car.

He then went on to defend her career or lack thereof. “She is a good girl. She just chooses not to work, and because of that, people go after her.” That’s right. Amanda CHOOSES not to land acting gigs and it isn’t because she’s difficult to work with. Rick probably still thinks his daughter is a virgin.

To further illustrate how depressing Amanda’s life has become, hours after she was released from jail, she tried to go back to the same bar at The Standard Hotel where she had partied the previous night before she was popped for DUI. This time, staff rejected her not wanting to be associated with Amanda in case she got caught again.

Usually when I get arrested, I just sit at home chanting, “I can’t go back there, man” for a month before I end up getting wasted again and caught drunkenly desecrating a grave. What a mean to say is, this chick has balls and doesn’t afraid of anything.

Despite earlier reports that the two were “all over each other” at a club, a source tells JustJared that Minka Kelly and Wilmer Valderrama are “definitely not a couple.” They merely have a lot of mutual friends and hang out in the same social circle jerks, er, social circles.

Oh, great. So does this mean she’s just Wilmer’s friend with benefits? That might make it even worse. How can my imaginary girlfriend do this to me? I thought we had something special. And not just that restraining order.

Rihanna was at a press conference for Battleship in London when a reporter asked in the most long-winded way possible whether or not she was dating Ashton Kutcher. I think because asking questions about the actual movie which was named after an old board game but has nothing to do with the old board game because now there are aliens involved would be pretty inane. Anyway, Rihanna got all offended. You can actually see her expression change from a smile to utter disappointment in the video.

“Wow, how disappointing was that question,” she said. “I’m happy and I’m single, if that’s what you’re really asking.”

Oh, boo hoo. What did you expect when people saw you peel away from Ashton’s place at 4 in the morning. But whatever. If you want a real question, let’s move on and ask Liam Neeson how much he got paid to dial it in.

Ray J has denied reports that he’s sitting on a cache of Whitney Houston sex tapes. He claims he’s not holding any tapes or photos over Houston’s family for ransom because they don’t exist. In fact, sources say Ray J never took sexually explicit anything of Whitney.

“The despicable tabloid report released today claiming the existence of a sex tape between Ray J and Whitney Houston is not true … There is no sex tape.” TMZ

That’s right. There are no sex tapes. That’s because Ray J prefers to call them love tapes. “What we had was something special, man,” he told reporters.

After video of Bobbi Kristina and her adopted brother Nick Gordon holding hands and kissing popped up, sources told Us that the two were engaged and living together in one of Whitney Houston’s Atlanta properties. They said the engagement ring she’s been showing off was once worn by her mother.

“The situation is beyond sad,” the source says. “Whitney never formally adopted Nick, but he lived with her and Bobbi Kristina from the age of twelve and they were raised like brother and sister. Nick came from a really bad background.”

Reps for Bobbi Kristina have now denied any engagement or relationship saying, “Bobbi Kristina is NOT engaged. It is NOT true.” Still, another source says their relationship “has evolved a lot” and they are “living like a couple” in Atlanta.

To be fair, Nick isn’t related by blood. He was only treated and raised like a son by Whitney for about 10 years. Honestly, he shouldn’t let that get in the way of banging Whitney’s only daughter right after her death.

News to me but Sherri Shepherd is on the new season of Dancing With the Stars and there’s already a controversy brewing. Sources claim Sherri began rehearsing with Maksim Chmerkovskiy before anyone else knew they were on the show. She was seen with him at dance studios in workout gear and dance shoes back in December.

ABC has strict guidelines (really? come on, really?) that contestants can’t rehearse until they learn they’re on the show. This season’s cast wasn’t revealed until Feb. 28.

On The View this morning, Sherri took the time to deny the allegations saying she’s not partnered with Maksim.

“We have never, I say never, we’ve never danced together,” Shepherd said, adding that she was nervous.

“I’ve never danced with Maks, I’ve never danced with Val,” she said.

Shepherd admitted that she had taken dance classes at Maksim’s studio, but said they began “long before I stated negotiations with ‘Dancing With the Stars.’” Fox News

To be fair, does it really matter? She needs all the help she can get. It’s like when you play basketball with a kid in a wheelchair. You’ll look like a dick calling him out for double dribbling. Plus, there’s no way Sherri can two-step past a craft services table without taking a snack break. Not without extensive training.

Last week, rumors started that Jeremy Lin, the nation’s new hottest thing, was dating Kim Kardashian. *coughKrisJennercough* At the time, it made no sense whatsoever and it still doesn’t. If you needed any more proof besides common sense, Jeremy did an interview with Good Morning America finally putting those rumors to rest. He’s not dating Kim Kardashian. I mean, he hit that once or twice, but that hardly constitutes dating. Just kidding. Jeremy actually said,

“Stuff about me dating Kim Kardashian, I mean, I have no idea where that came from and all these other rumors,” said Lin, adding he doesn’t think they’re each others “type.” USA Today

Of course Jeremy isn’t Kim’s type. He’s only got an 800k contract right now and he doesn’t have any black in him. Those are two big deal breakers for Kim.

I know this news is going to leave you bitter and disappointed but the Adele sex tape that was rumored to be floating around? It doesn’t exist. Public Magazine, a French publication, claimed exclusif-ly that an Adele sex tape with her boyfriend was hitting the web today. A French paparazzi named Jean-Claude Elfassi said he was in possession of it and said her boyfriend was releasing it for revenge. They even had some “stills” to back up the story.

Sadly, or happily, this story was a lie. The girl in the stills is from an old porno (very NSFW link) and it’s definitely not Adele because no one threw 6 Grammys at her when she opened her mouth to scream “Oh, daddy.”

Star Magazine did the equivalent of shouting fire in a crowded theater when they announced Snooki was pregnant in the upcoming issue of Star. An insider presumably said, “She is pregnant and has only told her closest friends and some family. She’s been telling people that she has a big announcement coming.”

They try to backup their claim by highlighting posts on her Facebook and Twitter which read, “I feel sick,” and “Late night craving… yogurt hits the fricken spot!” Though, this could just amount to her being a little fatty.

Anyway, Snooki went on Opie & Anthony this morning to flat out deny the rumors. This combined with the fact that the gates of Hell have not opened is all the proof I need.

That is if you believe Vanessa Paradis. Recent reports claimed Johnny Depp and Vanessa were splitting. Now Vanessa is flat out denying the rumors.

Making the publicity rounds for her new movie, Café de Flore, Paradis offered a clear statement to French television program Grand Journal on the subject after giving a vague response to the U.K.’s Daily Mail.

“Yes it’s false! Of course it’s false!” the 39-year-old singer-actress said when pressed about reports she had split with Depp, 48. E! Online

Depp has yet to confirm or deny any rumors and why should he. It makes having sex with other women much harder. Right now he can just say, “You hear those rumors of me and Vanessa splitting?,” and leave it at that.