Since TV is all about realism, producers of Two and a Half Men thought it’d be a good idea to have a real ex be at his TV funeral. “Hm, who’s in desperate need of money and used to date Charlie Sheen?,” they thought to themselves and, poof, Denise Richard’s name popped into their heads.

But what is this? Denise Richards turned down the offer? Quick, someone check. Has hell frozen over?

“They wanted to bring back a real ex,” the source tells Life & Style. It was hard for Denise to say no because “she really wants to get back into TV,” says a friend.

But ultimately, she turned down the offer. “Charlie would’ve gone crazy, and Denise knows where her bread is buttered,” the source adds. — Life & Style

Denise Richards turned down a $100k offer to appear on TV, pledging her loyalty to Charlie Sheen and Kirstie Alley is a size 6. Are these signs of the apocalypse? Someone catch me while I faint.

Denise Richards opened up about her botched breast enlargement when she was 19. She says she didn’t do enough research on her first cosmetic surgeon because she was in a rush to get bigger tittays (scientific term).

She tells Us Weekly, “When I was 19, a doctor put in bigger implants than what I’d asked for. I was in such a hurry to get them that I didn’t research my doctor.

“I felt very vulnerable. I was getting ready to film ‘Wild Things,’ and I didn’t want to get into a lawsuit with some plastic surgeon. It wasn’t right what the doctor did, but it is what it is.

Wait, so Denise Richards is complaining about getting a free upgrade? You don’t complain when the tap water you order ends up being Perrier and you don’t complain when the Jetta you bought turns out to be a Lambo. She sounds ungrateful. Do you know how long it took that doctor to stuff that extra cup size in there? Probably however long it took him to drink those three beers before surgery.

While Charlie Sheen was losing over the weekend, Denise Richards was winning. Richards hit up a beach in the Bahamas with her two daughters and rocked a blue bikini. It’s as if her sexiness doesn’t come from being married to a psychotic drug addict. Color me surprised.

Earlier today, Charlie Sheen tweeted: “We must bombard with Warlock Napalm, that traitor and loser whore #DUH-neese POOR-ards. a vile kidnapper and now dog thief. hate. SBW c”

If you couldn’t decipher it, the tweet was directed at Denise Richards who won’t give Charlie her pug which he wants to use as the mascot for his tour bus. Mainly because there were originally two pugs and Charlie may have been indirectly responsible for killing one.

Sources say back when Denise and Charlie split, Charlie took custody of the two pugs, which Denise had before they married, so the kids could play with them when they visited. After Charlie got all chair throwy at the Plaza hotel in NYC leaving a hooker fearing for her life in a bathroom, people started telling Denise no one was taking care of the dogs, that they were malnourished and neglected. Denise went to Charlie’s and were given back the dogs but one of them died of malnutrition.

I wouldn’t give it back either. That dude is insane. As previously stated, he wants it back as a mascot for his tour bus. Knowing Charlie, this probably means putting a wizard’s hat on it and tying it to the grill on the front of the bus.

Denise Richards, who always looks like she’s on crack, and Nikki Sixx, who’s probably been on crack, are dating. Richards and Sixx, “have been neighbors for years. They have a lot in common and are taking things slowly.”

A lot in common? Do tell. I would love to know what they have in common. Denise Richards used to be a rising actress, has two kids, divorced Charlie Sheen and now claws at any type of fame that comes her way. Nikki Sixx is in Motley Crue and did a lot of drugs. If you showed their interests with a Venn diagram, one circle would would be on the left side of the page and the other circle would be on the opposite side of the world.

I had to ball my fists and rub my eyes in disbelief when I read that Denise Richards turned down $1 million for a sit down tell all about what happened the night police found a hooker locked in Charlie Sheen’s hotel bathroom.

An insider tells Popeater that “Denise saw everything. Not only did she witness everything that happened that night at the restaurant, hotel and hospital, over the past few years she has seen everything yet refuses to kiss and tell.” They add, “She has turned down Oprah and lots of other media offers that want her to reveal the truth. Since the day they divorced, hundreds of offers have been rejected. It wasn’t her style then and it’s not her style now.”

Shock. Awe. Denise Richards claws at fame like it’s her last breath of air so it’s odd she’s not selling out Charlie Sheen. Either she’s holding out for one big score or her hush money is getting really good residuals.

Over Christmas, Charlie Sheen was arrested for choking his wife and threatening her with a knife. The other day, Denise Richards, Sheen’s ex, showed up at the park with her kids for a photo op for everyone to see how happy they were compared to Sheen and Brooke Mueller. Oh, I mean. She was just spending a normal day at the park with her two kids. Denise issued her denials through Twitter adding that one day she’ll tell all about her marriage with Sheen. Most likely when she’s desperate for cash. 3 months give or take.

“for all the negative nellies out there, I DID not have a f..ing photo op with my kids at a park when there is drama u get followed more”

“I genuinely love to be with my girls and don’t have a nanny raising them. They are my #1 priority and always will be.”

“sorry had to vent s*** pisses me off sometimes..one day..I will spill my guts about EVERYTHING”

Yea and I bet that mobile makeup van just happened to be following them around. Whatever. You know she was thinking that when she forced her kids to smile their way through the photo op. They knew if they didn’t, they’d get the hose.

What better way to let everyone know you’re still around and are in the second season of your reality show than to prance around the beach in a bikini rocking your tight body. Maybe even throw in a little cameltoe for good measure. That’s what Denise Richards did.

This might have got me to flip past her show too if not for the fact that E! is in the 40′s on my Time Warner Cable package and I only watch the HD channels at 700 and above. That would require some extra button pressing which would put me way past my click quota. No thanks.

I find it unfair that I have to rummage through the garbage to double check if I inadvertently threw away any edible food while Denise Richards gets to run around the beach playing with a huge blue parrot. If you looked at her resume, you’d just see variations of “in a bikini” on there like “was in a bikini on the beach,” “was in a bikini on TV,” “was only in a bikini bottom making out with a girl in a movie.” Yet, somehow she’s a superstar while here I am deciding which white shirt I’d like to wear today.

In a “no shit” moment, Howard Stern asked Denise Richards on his Sirius show if her breasts were real. Can you guess what the answer was? Ding, ding, ding. They’re fake. In fact, they’re fake three times over.

Denise told Stern that the first time she had them done was when she was 19. Jealous of her roommates perfect boobs, Denise went to the doctor and told him to work his magic.

Her breasts ended up too big for her body so she went for a second operation. Turns out she wasn’t very bright back then either and forgot to tell him to put in smaller ones. She ended up with D’s.

The third time she went in, they finally got it right.

“I was young and should have researched better. You know, it was a big mistake. Young girls, don’t do it!”

As far as life plans go, getting skinny, buying big fake tits, going to Hollywood and profiting wasn’t a bad one. She may have lost all her dignity and respect, but look at her now. She has her own reality show, failed marriage and has to exploit herself and her children just to maintain the extravagant lifestyle she’s grown accustomed to. I bet she has to calm herself down every night to fall asleep.

Some jokester invited Denise Richards to butcher “Take Me Out to the Ball Game” at the Chicago Cubs game last Friday. Hellen Keller could have given a better performance. You could have put the microphone in front of a car alarm and it would have been one hundred times more melodious. Wasn’t this sort of mean, too? This is like inviting a retard to sing knowing full well that they’re going to embarrass themselves.

And does Denise not even know the words to this song that she has to look down at lyrics every few seconds? That’s un-American. What is she, a communist?

Us Weekly has it on good authority that Denise Richard’s It’s Complicated will be “coming back for another season.” Despite low numbers and common sense, filming will begin in a few months.

In the meantime, Denise will have to come up with a plan to boost the ratings. Hmm, but how? I got it. You know how Dick Van Dyke had that running gag of tripping over stools? Well, instead of that, Denise can get hit in the face with a shovel each episode, but make it a different type of shovel. Like, one day it’ll be a regular shovel, then the next a snow shovel and so on and so on. The possibilities are endless.

Despite starting out “pretty good” at 1.5 million viewers, the audience for Denise Richards: it’s Complicated have slowly tapered off over the later nine episodes. E! has now decided to pull the plug and give Denise the old heave-ho much like you would with a dog that can no longer play fetch.

A show low-light was her confrontation with an editor for a magazine over how she has been portrayed in the tabloid press.

With no marketable skills and unable to successfully whore herself out, expect Denise to be working at your nearest Hot Dog on a Stick. She’ll be the one mopping the floors. Oh, they put her at the front once, but she kept deep throating the corn dogs and asking for donations.