*Drops to knees* Nooooooo!

A source tells Page Six that they saw with their own prying eyes Derek Jeter and Minka Kelly strolling through Le Musee d’Orsay on Thursday and “brunching” (how delightful!) at a Parisian hotel in the morning.

“She looked really excited to see him,” our source said. “They didn’t kiss romantically . . . It was more of a hello hug.”

“When the waiter brought food over, Jeter seemed a bit impatient, grabbed it off the trays and served Minka first,” our spy said “He seemed to be saying, ‘You don’t have to do the whole pomp . . . We’re hungry, so let’s just eat.’ ”

The previous day, they were spotted browsing art at Le Musée d’Orsay. According to another spy in the gift shop, “They weren’t holding hands, but they were obviously together.” Page Six

A few people went up to Jeter at the museum and asked for pictures but Jeter refused saying he “wasn’t supposed to be there.” Which is the exact same thing I say when they ask me to pose for a booking photo but I say it in more of a sniveling, hysterically crying sort of way.

If you ever end up sleeping with Derek Jeter, expect to be shooed away back home with a gift basket containing signed Jeter memorabilia, usually a baseball. You know, to remember your one night stand by. How classy!

“Derek has girls stay with him at his apartment in New York, and then he gets them a car to take them home the next day. Waiting in his car is a gift basket containing signed Jeter memorabilia, usually a signed baseball,” the friend dished.

“This summer, he ended up hooking up with a girl who he had hooked up with once before, but Jeter seemed to have forgotten about the first time and gave her the same identical parting gift, a gift basket with a signed Derek Jeter baseball,” the pal said.

“He basically gave her the same gift twice because he’d forgotten hooking up with her the first time!” Page Six

That’s why I like to take a photos of myself doing a hundred different poses, sign them and randomly select one to send a girl home with. There’s much less chance of something embarrassing like this happening. Plus, I like them to remember who they spent their one night of regret with. *Points to self proudly*

E! reports that the relationship between Minka Kelly and Derek Jeter fizzled out when Minka started becoming more famous. Derek loves obscure nobodies hence why he loved Minka during the Friday Night Lights era because no one watched the show making her relatively unknown.

When her career started to take off with The Roommate and now Charlie’s Angels, that’s when Derek lost interest. He just didn’t want the attention.

I know how Derek Jeter feels. That’s exactly why I dumped Scarlett Johansson and Megan Fox. They started getting too popular. This playboy millionaire likes to keep under the radar. Modesty and chiseled abs are two of my best qualities.

Here’s the recently single Minka Kelly on the set of Charlie’s Angels and then getting ready for a photoshoot in Miami, Florida.

Hallelujah! Last we heard from Minka Kelly and Derek Jeter, they were getting married on November 5 in a castle. Now reps for the two have confirmed that they have split.

A source says, “The split was amicable. But they remain friends. They still really care for each other.”

Minka is busy shooting the Charlie’s Angels reboot in Miami and Jeter is still busy looking like a dork.

Minka Kelly’s Single White Female update titled The Roommate, starring her and Leighton Meester, is being released in February. It’s set in college and stars two much hotter girls. Hence, now is the perfect time to do promos for it. First up, GQ, where they did a photoshoot of her bent over in stockings.

She also gives an interview where, besides promising she’s not marrying next month, she clears up that rumor about her getting into an argument in first class about bringing her dog on board and calling Derek Jeter to have him sort things out. She says it was blown out of proportion as most stories are. The only thing about it that really gets to her though is the calling Derek Jeter for help part. She doesn’t want people to think she’s a damsel in distress.

“Do people think that somewhere in my brain, I think Derek can save me from someone telling me my dog can’t fly?” she asks. “If that’s the way I worked, he would have left me a long time ago.”

That’s good to know that she can solve her own problems. Unless it involves math, of course. Because she’s a girl, you see.

One more photo here.

Despite rumors, a friend of Minka Kelly says she and Derek Jeter aren’t marrying on November 5th at a castle in Long Island. Adding truth to this is the fact that Oheka Castle is very well known for never leaking information (Kevin Jonas was just married there and was registered under a fake name) and the date, 11/5 may conflict with the 2010 World Series.

“Minka says things are great between her and Derek – and they’re definitely serious – but there’s no talk of an engagement,” the pal says, adding that “Minka has not been wearing a ring.”

This is great news for me. That means I still have a shot at Minka Kelly. How do you think I should approach this? Quietly from behind or hidden in her closet until she comes home?

Minka Kelly and Derek Jeter have apparently settled on a date for their wedding. November 5th. Coincidentally, that’s the same day I graft Derek Jeter’s face onto mine. Oh and they’re getting married in a castle of some sorts.

After getting a tip about the upcoming nuptials, The Post confirmed the date by spotting a curious entry in the official calendar at the ritzy reception palace Oheka Castle in Huntington, LI, for the first Friday in November that read simply “JETER wedding.”

When our spy asked if couples were ever open to switching dates for money, Bellando said most were so wealthy, money was not an issue.

“I guess if it were Derek Jeter getting married, he really wouldn’t care about my money,” our reporter suggested, pointing to the entry.

Bellando chuckled, but quickly tried to dismiss speculation.

“Oh, that’s not Derek Jeter. We wouldn’t use his real name if it were. When the Jonas brother got married here last month, we used a different name.”

Derek Jeter has ran through a string of women including Adriana Lima, Jessica Alba, Mariah Carey, Joy Enriquez, Vida Guerra, Jordana Brewster, Jessica Biel, Tyra Banks, Vanessa Minnillo, Miss Universe 2000 Lara Dutta and Scarlett Johansson so it’s not like his dating life was a culmination of catastrophic events leading up to this fairytale wedding. He’s had it great which is why I hate him. It’s like Jeter went to his vault of diamond encrusted big breasted gold statues, waved his finger in the air and pointed to one of them (Minka Kelly) to keep forever.

Minka Kelly is in St. Barts with her dork boyfriend Derek Jeter. Here she is doing stuff in a bikini. I’ve always wondered why she’s with him instead of me. Sure, he may have batting averages, fame and money, but I have love, compassion and chloroform and if I could just get close enough to Minka when she’s alone, I know things will work out.

Derek Jeter has dated an impressive list of starlets throughout the years. He’s purported to have ran his penis through Jessica Alba, Jessica Biel, Vanessa Minnillo, Adriana Lima, Scarlett Johansson, Mariah Carey and Jordana Brewster and may have given each of them herpes, the gift that keeps on giving. Now, Page Six says Derek Jeter is tearing up Friday Night Lights star, Minka Kelly’s, vagina.

Though Kelly’s publicist put the kibosh on our query about a male suitor at the Empire (the rep told Page Six Kelly’s dad was the only guy with her in the hotel), OK! magazine reports the “Friday Night Lights” actress was wined and dined at Kobe Club by Jeter on Monday. “She’s still playing the field,” one source told us.

It’s not entirely clear why women continue to flock to Derek Jeter when there are rampant rumors about him and herpes. You’d think celebrities would be put off by that, but no, it seems they’re rather fascinated by sores on their lips and genitals which can last two to twenty one days. This must be a new Hollywood fad. Had I known this, I wouldn’t have chosen to remain chaste for all these years. Yea, that’s right, I’m virginal not because I’m socially inept or that women are creeped out when I ask them to role play my civil war porn fantasies, but because I CHOOSE to be.

This is Derek Jeter not having sex

Derek Jeter has plowed through a list of women so fine that if any man managed to get 1/10th of the people on that list, they’d die happy. Superstar over here has been linked to the likes of Jessica Alba, Jessica Biel, Jordana Brewster, Vanessa Minnillo and Gabrielle Union. Too bad he has herpes. That makes me feel marginally better. Anyway, when he’s not busy being chased by quality tail, he also has time for the common man, er, woman. Page Six was on the scene to witness the aftermath of a night of passion (threesome) with Derek Jeter.

Our spy in the lobby of the Shore Club in Miami early Sunday morning spotted “two scantily clad women screaming at the front desk because they had spent the night at Jeter’s penthouse and were then charged for parking.”

“The girls were wearing what looked like the same clothes they wore the night before – a tight cocktail dress and a mini-skirt. They were making a huge scene because they were asked to pay for parking.

“Obviously, they’d spent the night there,” giggled the onlooker, who noted that one of the overnight guests was screaming into the phone, “After last night, he’d better [bleep]ing take care of it!”

After a bit of insistence, “they eventually left happy. I assume he paid for their parking after all,” said our snitch.

Although Derek has a more exciting, fulfilling and awesome sex life than me, I found a Jolly Rancher stuck to my carpet today. It was delicious. I guess Derek and I aren’t so different after all.

Derek Jeter has herpes, Derek Jeter has herpes. If I keep repeating that over and over, I might not punch my monitor in a fit of frustration. Oops, didn’t work.

There’s not much happening today so I had to find an excuse to post pictures of Jessica Biel. Page Six reports Jessica Biel and Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter were spotted at club Hyde “laughing and giggling” together in the corner. What’s going on. Women dig filthy rich jocks? And here I am just banking on my movie star good looks and my incredibly huge throbbing brain to score me a Jessica Biel. Don’t get me wrong, I excel at sports too, but would Superman use his powers for monetary gain? I think not. (good lord is her ass growing?)