Vanessa Hudgens is in the March edition of Details and since she’s trying to get away from her good girl image, her shoot is fantastic.

In the issue (via Popeater), Vanessa talks about training with Navy Seals for her upcoming film, Sucker Punch, saying, “We were machines, you could NOT f**k with us.”

She also talks about shooting the sequel to Journey to the Center of the Earth and how Michael Caine always hits on her. “He’s uh-mazing. Not only is he uh-mazingly, stupidly talented, but he still kind of hits on me. All the time. If it was anybody else, I’d be like, ‘Who the hell do you think you are?’ But because it’s Michael Caine, I’m like, ‘Sock it to me more, baby, come on!’ I.Frickin.Love.Him.”

And on trying to get a part in Quentin Tarantino’s next movie. “….probably after a few drinks I told him, ‘We’ve gotta do something together.’ … Slowly, I’ve gained balls. I used to be very shy. Nothing has happened with Tarantino yet, but I definitely tried to plant my seed. Hopefully he won’t look back and think, ‘Oh my God. That crazy b***h.’”

But back to her photoshoot. There’s also video of it. Which is equally as amazing as the pictures. They’re just of her getting wet. More girls should follow in Vanessa Hudgehn’s footsteps. She’s a very good role model.

So, Details is a gay magazine, right? Because they always have these types of interviews where they mention anus shampooing and ask if the other person is gay. This month they talk to Zac Efron. Here are the takeaways:

Zac Efron is not cool. He is the everyman
Zac Efron is not cool, and this pronouncement is neither an insult nor a revelation to him. His lack of cool has nothing to do with the fact that, as a preadolescent, he lived for community theater or that he tried to get away with wearing a fedora to school at 15. Cool is effortlessness. Efron is all effort.

Zac Efron is to Shia LaBeouf as Tom Cruise is to Sean Penn
Hollywood, like everything else, is just an extension of high school, with the burnouts and the jocks coexisting uneasily. Burnout Sean Penn drinks and smokes too much and will always be cooler than jock Tom Cruise, whom one imagines doing lots of crunches and high-fives. Same with Shia LaBeouf and Zac Efron. LaBeouf seems to give not one shit. He disses Spielberg and flips pickups and just gets bigger; Efron makes appearances at Bar Mitzvahs as favors to industry friends. “I’m so jealous of that,” Efron says of LaBeouf, whom he doesn’t know personally. “Yeah, that’s awesome to not give a shit. And Shia still pulls it off. That’s so cool. It’s just awesome. It just comes easy to some people.”

Tom Cruise is actually a pretty nice guy
Hollywood’s upperclassmen have shown how they feel about this freshman. Penn, upon meeting Efron, reportedly said exactly two words to him: Go skydiving. But Cruise recently flagged Efron down in the lobby of CAA. “You ride motorcycles?” Cruise asked him. Alas, he didn’t. “You wanna learn how?” Cruise invited him out to his house, taught him how a motorcycle engine works, showed him the hangar with his dozens of pristine bikes—including the Triumphs he rode in the Mission: Impossible movies. Efron was allowed to ride a pedigree-less dirt bike. “He made so many great movies,” Efron says of Cruise. “I get the feeling that he works really, really hard. It didn’t come from swagger with him. It came from dedication, hard work. You see it in the way he physicalizes everything. You watch The Last Samurai and that’s him! He’s really doing that.” I ask Efron why he supposes Cruise bothered reaching out to him. “I don’t know,” he says. “I don’t even want to know. It’s just so cool that he gave a shit, the fact that he cared at all. No one else did that.”

Something gay always happens in a Details interview
“Oh…my…God,” Efron says with a gasp. “It’s like the best…orgasm…ever! And I just keep coming!” Efron and I are in the Soho House bathroom after a pee, and he’s lingering at the sink, letting the water pour over his diseased wrists. When he got up to head to the john, I noticed that his pants were fully unbuttoned and unzipped. “I’m just airing it out,” he’d said. “It just itches too much.” Discipline and doctor’s orders had kept the impulse to scratch at bay.

Vanessa Hudgens likes to get her anus shampooed
Here in the bathroom, the topic of other bathrooms comes up, specifically the Japanese one at the famous Los Angeles sushi place Matsuhisa, which has a bidet-like contraption that will essentially shampoo your anus. “Yeah, Vanessa has one of those,” he says, speaking for the first time of his girlfriend of five years, High School Musical costar Vanessa Hudgens, who had dropped him off tonight.

Zac Efron on why he’s not swimming in pussy (hint: he’s just not that type of guy, *swoon*)
By now the Lakers are well on their way to winning the game and the bottle of Cab is gone, not more than a quarter of it consumed by Efron himself, which may explain the coarse phrasing of my suggestion that now might be the time for him to immerse himself in the company of more than one lady friend. “Bathe in pussy?” he repeats. “Yeah, everyone tells me that. I think a lot of guys would enjoy that. But I’m not really like that.” I point out that he does not know if he would enjoy this or not, since he has never been famous and single. “Believe me,” he says. “I rack my brain thinking, ‘Why am I not out there playing the field?’ One of my buddies was like, ‘You have no idea what’s going on right now. You’re peaking on Ecstasy and you’re watching TV.’ But it’s not in my heart.”

The rumors about Vanessa Hudgens being Zac’s beard were started by the media
In person, by the way, nothing about Efron merits even flipping on the gaydar, and those rumors—that his relationship with Hudgens is a business coupling, with Mickey Mouse presiding over the union with a shotgun—seem particularly absurd. “That’s just fucking insane,” he says. “I’ve never even heard of that happening. I don’t even know who I would have been around who would have thought that was even a good idea. It would have been so much easier to call it off a long time ago.” Efron sees it as just wishful thinking by an avaricious gossip industry.

Zac seems like a cool guy but if he wants to stay away from those gay rumors he should talk a little less effusively about Tom Cruise inviting him over to ride bikes, leaving his pants unbuttoned when he knows a guy will walk in on him and stop pretending he doesn’t want to bang a lot of chicks. If this interview were any gayer it’d be all in pink and the intro would just be Zac flamboyantly shouting, “Hiiiii boys!”

Robert Pattinson offered to do a full frontal shoot for that Details spread last month where he was surrounded by naked models but bosses nixed the idea. Which is weird because isn’t Details a gay magazine?

Pattinson said, “I offered to do a naked photoshoot but no one wanted to see me naked. It started off with me naked and they were like, ‘Actually, forget it’.”

I know all too well that feeling. Like, one time I was at the beach and these couple of girls were taking pictures and I pulled down my shorts to pose behind them and they were all, “Ahh! Get away!” and I was all, “Wassup ladies?! It’s alright, I’m not charging you for this. The first taste is always free,” but they ran off anyway. One of them had an accent so maybe they were foreign and didn’t understand.

Robert Pattinson sat down to talk with Details magazine and revealed he’s a total queer, saying:

“I really hate vaginas. I’m allergic to vagina. But I can’t say I had no idea, because it was a 12-hour shoot, so you kind of get the picture that these women are going to stay naked after, like, five or six hours. But I wasn’t exactly prepared. I had no idea what to say to these girls. Thank God I was hungover.”

I think he was joking, but celebrities are such babies. He got to hang out with naked models for 12 hours. I get to hang out with crippling loneliness and deafening silence for 12 hours. The only vagina I see is when I “accidentally” surf to porn sites every half hour. Oh, but according to Robert Pattinson, I’m the real winner. Full interview here. Images NSFW.

In the February issue of Details, Channing Tatum, a former stripper, talks about his penis (of course he does, this is Details, remember?) and how he badly burned it and how women should defer their sex requests to me now. Tatum says that while filming The Eagle of the Ninth last October in the freezing Scottish Highlands,

“The only way to keep warm was by pouring a mix of boiling water and river water down your suit. We were finally done shooting for the day, and one of the crew guys asks if I want to warm up before I go. I’m like, Nah, I’m good. And then I thought, Why not? Thing is, he’d forgotten to dilute the kettle water. So he poured scalding water down my suit. And I was trying to pull the suit away from my body to somehow get away from the boiling water, and the more I pulled the suit away, the lower the water went. It just went straight down and pretty much burned the skin off the head of my dick.”

Tatum was rushed to the nearest hospital—an hour away. Before long, the ice pack he was applying to the burn lost its chill. “I said to the driver, who was ex-special-forces Marines, ‘You might have to knock me out, because I don’t know if I can take the pain. Just grab something and hit me on the back of my head.’” Morphine finally KO’d the agony, and a team of doctors salved and bandaged his wound. “I had five guys looking at my shriveled, burned penis,” he says proudly.

I can think of a hundred better ways to keep warm other than pouring boiling water down my shirt. Maybe one of those hand warmer packets that you carry around in the cold or maybe a trailer with a heater. Don’t movie stars get those? Thankfully, Channing’s penis is alright. Uh, I mean. That’s what I would say if I cared about the state of his penis. But I don’t. What I really mean is, “Ha ha! Loser!”

The latest issue of that magazine that everyone thought had died, Details, put A-Rod on the cover. Right below text that reads, “How Jesus can save your career.” Does Details think A-Rod is Jesus or that Jesus saved A-Rod’s career? I’m a little confused.

Although, what’s more confusing is the photo they included of him kissing himself in the mirror. Am I to interpret this as A-Rod is gay for himself or is this just how he practiced kissing Madonna? Because if it’s the latter, that wouldn’t be realistic at all. Madonna has much bigger traps and a thicker mustache.