Jessica Simpson is on a new diet. Not to get thin or anything, no, she says her body is fine as it is, but for, you know, health reasons… Shh. Don’t tell her I told you, but it’s really to get thin.

She posted on Twitter, “Shocked my system with a vegan diet, special Pu-erh tea from China, and cupping since friday! Who am I right now? This might be too clean!”

Jessica is supposed to have gone on a mystical journey with Master Wang. There’s a too easy joke in there so I’ll let you figure that one out.

Jessica then tweeted, “Has anyone ever tried cupping? When u know you are doing something good for ur body the meditation creates intense visions. Love it!” I had to Google cupping. The therapy is apparently when someone puts suction cups on your skin. They say it’s ancient Chinese medicine which I take to mean it’s something the Chinese made up to trick silly Westerners out of their money. That’s probably why they always chuckle when you go to pay the bill.

They probably don’t even use real suction cups. They probably use those cartoon suction cup dolls people put on car windows. Then they take pictures of it and post it on the web. There’s probably one of Jessica with Garfield and Woodstock stuck to her back while a Chinese guy poses next to them with a big smile and two thumbs up.

What’s with Jessica’s eyes in these first three pictures. It looks like she just snorted a fat line of coke.

If Lindsay Lohan got any skinnier, she could be used as an Olympic javelin. At this point, when Lindsay fists Samantha Ronson, it actually feels like a penis. Look at her. Her skinny legs are buckling under the weight of her amazing rack. She pretty much looks like a newborn calf taking its first steps when she walks.

You can probably see where that Big Mac is hiding

Lindsay Lohan attended the Mathew Williamson NYC store opening where she fielded questions about her weight loss. She says it’s not intentional and that it’s probably due to stress and you should all stop fussing because she’s not on a diet.

“I eat. I had my Big Mac yesterday from McDonald’s,” she told Us Sunday at the Matthew Williamson NYC store opening. “I eat just as much as I always have.”

The 22-year-old actress (who has raised eyebrows before for her skinny frame) said she thinks she has just been “working a lot.” She said she also blames “stress … and lack of sleep when I travel.”

Said the star, “I think it’s all that stuff that adds up.”

I would just like to point out you can save your money by ordering a McDouble from the dollar menu with Big Mac sauce and it’ll be just like a Big Mac without the lettuce. Oh and I agree that the combined stress of deciding which outfit to wear and which after party to go to can whittle the pounds from any person.

Either The Daily Mail has crazy Photoshop skills or Mischa Barton is 0% body fat. The only other time I’ve seen people look like this were in history books depicting WWII concentration camps. The Daily Mail says you shouldn’t be shocked because looking “gaunt and unwell” is normal in Hollywood. So, if you ever wanted to rob someone, celebrities seem to be an easy target. The most they’ll do to stop you is stare at you with their creepy, sunken eyes.

To quickly lose 20 lbs for her role in Dreamgirls, Beyonce went on a maple syrup diet. There are tons of diets out there and she choses a maple syrup diet.

“The funniest part was putting the weight back on and eating my doughnuts and all the other things,” she said. “So now I’m back to my body. I’m very conscious of being a curvy woman and I’m very happy that I am a curvy woman.”

Putting on weight by stuffing your face with doughnuts and pixie sticks is pretty healthy. Next time she can just mainline sugar into her body and not worry about all that chewing. Maybe she can get together with Nicole Richie and swap tips. Although, Nicole Richie’s tips would include gastric bypass surgery and enemas which don’t don’t sound as appealing as maple syrup and doughnuts.