I’m lying of course. Terrence Howard’s divorce with his soon to be ex-wife Michelle is anything but. Each side is accusing the other of violence and hate.

In the divorce documents, Howard says Michelle, who is not black, would scream things like “I never wanted to marry a n**ger in the first place” and “I definitely didn’t want to be the step mother of some n**ger kids” whenever she got upset.

Is Michelle Dutch? Because that could explain her throwing around the n-word like that. Maybe something got lost in translation. Maybe she meant n**gabitch. Although I don’t see how that would have been any better. In fact, I think that would be ten times worse.

Howard also says Michelle is attempting to extort him with private recordings she took off his computer and threatened to have him “clipped” if he went to the cops. He claims she once bragged, “I have a lot of Russian friends who would do it as a favor.” Hopefully Terrence doesn’t take an arrow to the knee. I hear that ends careers.

Kobe Bryant’s wife, Vanessa Bryant, filed for divorce last Friday citing “irreconcilable differences.” In other words, Vanessa got tired of Kobe cheating on her.

Vanessa is asking for joint custody of their two daughters and requested visitation rights for Kobe, meaning, she wants the kids. Additionally, there is no prenup so Vanessa is entitled to half of Kobe’s money which amounts to $100 million.

As to what led Vanessa to file for divorce, you can blame that on a web of spies made up of NBA wives.

Our sources says Kobe’s teammates were blabbing to their women about the superstar’s exploits … and those women in turn gave Vanessa the heads up. We’re told talk of Kobe’s exploits lately increased in frequency.

According to our sources, the players often swear their wives to secrecy before dishing on their fellow ballers … but that secrecy is rarely kept. We’re told the women all share information about other guys around the league … in part to ensure word will get back to them if their man ever steps out. TMZ

I can only imagine how these rumors spread. It’d be like a game of telephone. Kobe cheating with a woman would turn into Kobe getting a woman drunk before taking her to his place, chaining her up and donkey punching her. While playing Monopoly.

She milked her marriage for all the money she could and even had E! pay for her ring and air a wedding special and now, after 72 days of marriage, Kim Kardashian is filing for divorce from Kris Humphries. Ryan Seacrest confirmed the rumor on Twitter, “Yes @kimkardashian is filing for divorce this morning. I touched base with her, getting a statement in just a few mins.”

So… marrying after only nine months of casual dating is a bad idea. Got it. Thanks, Kim, for giving me hours of entertainment with your astounding stupidity.

Arnold Schwarzenegger banged his maid 10 years ago, had a secret love child with her and now his wife, Maria Shriver, is all like “I want a divorce.” Women. Amirite?

Anyway, the divorce is most likely happening and Maria Shriver’s payout could be close to $100 million. One third of Arnold’s estimated net worth of $300 million. But you protest that California is a 50/50 state?

“If Arnold is worth $300 million, than Maria is likely to get $100 million. One third of that was probably money Arnold earned before he got married. So she would get half of $200 million because in the state of California it’s 50/50,” he explains. [Hollywood Life]

A lawyer Hollywood Life talked to also says you have to take into account the 25 years of marriage, the fact Maria gave up her journalism career and Maria’s support ($$$).

“The fact that Maria gave up her career as a journalist to fully support Arnold’s career cannot be overlooked. They will look at how she contributed to his career,” she says.

“He could not have gotten to where he is without her support. The reason Arnold is worth so much is because he was married to Maria. Yes, a portion of his net worth comes from his body building days and acting career, but Maria took him to a whole other level, and the opportunity for income that he has today is in large part because of his marriage to her.”

She adds, “The court will also look at earning capacity. Who in the future will have the greater capacity to earn money? And it’s quite apparent that he does and because of this, Maria should be entitled to a portion of these future earnings.”

Let’s not forget about those four kids either. Apparently $10,000 a month per child is a reasonable amount for child support. They say you have to factor in education and health care, but wait, let’s do the math, 4 x $10,000/month = $480,000/year. I know families with four kids who don’t even make a 1/4 of that who survive fine.

“Maria wants to ensure that she gets a fair settlement and that her children’s future is secure — that is all she cares about, period,” a source close to Maria told RadarOnline.

After 25 years of marriage, you’d think Arnold would also want to make sure his children’s future is secure. Unless he’s a total asshat. Which might be the case considering he unleashed Jingle All the Way onto the world.

Ashlee Simpson is hoping to get primary physical custody of her and Pete Wentz’s 2-year-old son Bronx. Probably because she loves the child support with all her heart. I guess that sounds like a cynical way of interpreting this. That is until you find out Ashlee wants the court to make Pete pay for both of their legal fees. Unsurprisingly, Pete has taken issue with that.

Wentz just filed legal papers in response to Ashlee’s divorce petition … asking the judge for JOINT physical and legal custody of their son. In her divorce petition, Ashlee checked the box that indicated she wanted primary physical custody.

According to the docs, filed in L.A. County Superior Court and obtained by TMZ, Wentz also wants each party to pay their own legal fees … even though Ashlee asked the court to make Pete foot the bill for both sides.

And while Ashlee didn’t specify the official break-up date in her papers — Pete says the two called it quits on Feb. 9 … just days after Pete came home from a wife-less trip to Dallas for the Super Bowl.

So Ashlee filed for divorce, wants child support and won’t even pay her legal fees. Is this because she resents Pete for costing her a lucrative music career? Someone should tell her it wouldn’t have worked out anyway. By laughing in her face.

When Ashlee Simpson filed for divorce from Pete Wentz, her side said it was because Pete was touring too much and was never home and that she didn’t sign up to be a single mother. Pete cried and cried trying to reconcile with Ashlee but it was fruitless. Now there’s another side to the story.

Friends of Ashlee and Pete say she’s the one to blame. Ashlee has been out partying for the last few months while Pete was away. “Specifically, the singer-actress hangs with a crew of pro skateboarders in San Clemente, Calif. and returns home at sunrise. She would loose track of time.”

Pete “started getting burnt out” by it. He felt he couldn’t trust Ashlee while he was on tour. He “would constantly check in on Ashlee, and he’d have his friends call the house and her cell to make sure she said she was where she said she was going to be.”

Meanwhile, Popeater claims Ashlee’s dad, Joe, was partly to blame. In the creepiest quote you’ll read today, a friend says “Joe likes being the only man in his daughters’ lives and is happy that Ashlee has moved back into his home [in Encino, Calif.], just like Jessica did after she announced she was leaving Nick.”

Why wouldn’t he be happy? That teddy bear nanny cam he has in the bathroom has pretty much gone to waste since Ashlee and Jessica left. Just kidding. But not really. That dude is creepy. I wouldn’t put it past him. He probably has gigs of half-naked pictures from his daughter’s photoshoots so he can look them over and critique them.

This shouldn’t come as a shock to any of you but skinny jean wearing Pete Wentz has been incessantly crying since Ashlee Simpson blindsided him with a divorce. Pete wants her back but Ashlee is done and wants to focus on her kid and career (huh?).

“Pete has been crying a lot to her about this,” a source close to the couple told RadarOnline.com. “He is crushed, and does not want it to be over.”

“Ashlee is done, she loves him, but she’s ready to move on,” said the source.

“When he traveled for work, she had a lot of time to think, and in the end she just felt happier without him.

Quick, get this guy away from razor blades. He might pretend to slit his wrists and then we might have to listen to his blubbering for another three months.

Sad news everyone. Your fairytale marriage is now over. Ashlee Simpson went to L.A. County Superior Court on Wednesday and filed for divorce from her newly fro-jacked husband Pete Wentz. Ashlee cites “irreconcilable differences” as the reason. She’s also asking for joint legal custody and primary physical custody of their two-year-old son Bronx along with spousal and child support.

Sigh. And they were so perfect for each other. Talentless, unattractive. It really seemed like the perfect union.

Following reports that Joe Francis’ wife, Christina McLarty, had already moved out, Joe released a separation statement which, as noted by Dlisted, sounded a lot like Ryan Reynolds’ and Scarlett Johansson’s statement. Joe’s first.

“After careful and thoughtful consideration on both our parts, Christina and I have mutually decided to end our relationship. We entered into our relationship with love and it’s with love and kindness that we leave it. We wish each other the best for the future.”

Here’s Ryan and Scarlett’s.

“After long and careful consideration on both our parts, we’ve decided to end our marriage. We entered our relationship with love and it’s with love and kindness we leave it. While privacy isn’t expected, it’s certainly appreciated.”

This douchebag couldn’t even write an original statement. He had to use a celebrity divorce template. Not even an obscure one either, but one from Ryan Reynolds and Scarlett Johansson that was released two weeks ago. Let me guess, Joe googled “celebrity divorces” and ripped the first one he found. No wonder Christina left his ass. This dude is lazy. Sex with him must be like humping a pillow.

Accused sexual harasser/tax evader Joe Francis married CBS reporter Christina McLarty in a civil ceremony at his Mexican estate in early November. Guess how that went? A source tells Radar that Christina “moved out and they might be getting a divorce.”

Joe’s rep denies the report but the source claims she’s living at her mom’s house right now. They add, “I’m not sure if she is still driving the S500 Mercedes he let her use or if she still has her $500K engagement ring, but she definitely moved out of his Bel Air home.”

She better still drive the Benz and have the ring. She was married to that douchebag for a little over a month. That has to count for something. In fact, in some countries, they give you a gold medal for putting up with that guy.

Ryan Reynolds has filed for divorce from Scarlett Johansson meaning my dream of marrying her has taken one step closer to reality. The documents were filed on Thursday in Los Angeles Superior Court. Johansson filed her response simultaneously. Neither filed for spousal support.

The two rumors for their marriage’s demise include Ryan cheating on Scarlett and Scarlett not putting the effort into their marriage. Another not as widely spread rumor is that Scarlett was so intoxicated by my bulging biceps and well-defined abs that she dumped Ryan to run away with me.

Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds are splitting after two years of marriage. TMZ says the split is amicable.

The two released a statement through their rep which said, “After long and careful consideration on both our parts, we’ve decided to end our marriage. We entered our relationship with love and it’s with love and kindness we leave it. While privacy isn’t expected, it’s certainly appreciated.”

No other details were given but one handsome, muscular gossip blogger said that if Scarlett needs a shoulder to cry on, he’ll be there for her and if it should lead to something more romantic, then “giggity, giggity.”

Michael C. Hall and Jennifer Carpenter play brother and sister on the awesome Dexter. They’ve also been married for two years. But now the honeymoon is over so they’re getting divorced.

“Having been separated for some time, Jennifer Carpenter and Michael C. Hall have filed for divorce.” Both reps add that the split was amicable.

Good thing they waited a few months after Michael finished treatment for Hodgkin’s lymphoma to announce the split or else Jennifer would have looked like a real bitch and this story would have been twice as interesting.