Still can’t get over the utterly boneheaded remarks of Dog Chapman? Turn on any channel and you’re bound to see his visits to the talk shows. One question. You know you’re gonna be on tv. Might you want to, oh I don’t know, hire a stylist?? The open shirt, the gold chains, the mullet. No, no and a resounding no. It’s the Miami Vice look set in Mississippi. Stevie Wonder could dress better than you. Oh snap, you’re not gonna hate on Little Stevie are you??

According to Reuters:

“Honolulu-based Chapman, 54, who says he is a devout Christian, made no comment on reports that his son sold the tape for $15,000.”

That’s all?!? That won’t last long. Do you know the cost of living in Hawaii?

Props to Dog though. He hates his son’s girlfriend, his son sold him out for peanuts, yet according to Dog:

“All I want him to know is that I love him very much.”

After which, he added: “Even if he is an Uncle Tom.” - CS

Duane “Dog” Chapman was on Hannity & Colmes last night talking about his liberal use of the n-word on that National Enquirer tape. Dog explains that although he knew going up to a random black guy and saying that word would get him punched in the face, he thought he was black enough to use it one on one with friends. After this debacle, Dog realizes he’s not black at all.

Yes, that’s exactly right. I mean, you just can’t walk up to someone, “Hi.” You know, you’d get hit in the mouth. But when a brother says that to you first or you realize that there’s — there’s a special connection that I thought I had between me and black America.

And I used to say, “I’m black, too.” In other words, I — my whole life I’ve been called a half-breed, a convict, king of the trailer trash, this and that. I take that and stand.

So when I stood there and said, “I kind of know what you feel like, because I’ve been there, too,” I felt that I could embrace and like, as brothers or, even as a black woman, say the word.

You can’t — I now learned I’m not black at all. And I never did it out of hate. This sounds so stupid. I always did it out of love. Other white guys would be like, “Boy, who does Dog think he is? Dog can say that.” And black guys would be with me and walk with me and respect me.

This confusing explanation is only overshadowed by the disturbing anecdote about the birth of his son.

I said — so it was kind of like Tucker was born. His mother’s water broke. We couldn’t make it to the doctor. I pulled Tucker out, and I thought he was dead. He was all blue. And I laid him to the side.

I kept pulling, and of course, the placenta was there and thought, oh no, she has twins and this one is deformed. And there was ambulances calling, and the ambulance driver walked in and said, “Good job, father, but you didn’t cut the cord.”

So when he cut the cord, Tucker started peeing all over my face — and I was, again — and he said, “Great job,” and Tucker took a breath of life. So I rode in the ambulance with Tucker, and on the birth certificate it says “delivered by father.”

So, to sum it up, we discover that Dog thought he was black, but it turns out he wasn’t, he’s sorry about using the n-word, he thought Tucker was deformed when he was born, Tucker peed on his face (literally and figuratively) and Tucker might be using the money he got from The National Enquirer to buy drugs. There’s a lot more, but I think those were they key points. After reading this, I fully expect Hollywood to turn Dog’s life into a movie. Kind of like American Gangster, but more mullety and not as feel-good.

Full Hannity & Colmes transcript [Fox News]

Following Duane “Dog” Chapman’s racist tirade, A&E has decided to suspend Dog the Bounty Hunter indefinitely. The network issued this statement today.

“In evaluating the circumstances of the last few days, A&E has decided to take Dog The Bounty Hunter’ off the network’s schedule for the foreseeable future. We hope that Mr. Chapman continues the healing process that he has begun.”

To make matters worse, the recorded phone call was sold to The National Enquirer by Dog’s own son for “a lot of money.” It was the proverbial nail in the coffin for Dog’s career. Oh well, he had a good run and he and his sense of style, best described as Captain Planet meets Native American, will be missed, but not by much. Actually, not at all. In fact, he could be on fire tomorrow and the only thing people would do is quietly walk by, ignoring his screams of pain or, if someone was really, really, REALLY nice, they would pee on him.

The National Enquirer obtained two tapes (one tape is over here) in which Dog Chapman can clearly be heard using the N word over and over while telling his son, Tucker, that he can no longer work with him unless he breaks up with his black girlfriend, Monique Shinnery. In an ironic twist, Dog explicitly states that part of the reason he wants the relationship to end is because he doesn’t want tapes of him saying the word “nigger” being leaked to The National Enquirer and jeopardizing everything he’s worked for. I guess that didn’t work out too well. A&E quickly released a statement in response to the tapes.

In response to this story, A&E network has released a statement saying: “A&E has just learned of the story released by the National Enquirer concerning Duane Dog Chapman. We take this matter very seriously. Pending an investigation, we have suspended production on the series. When the inquiry is concluded we will take appropriate action.”

TMZ reached out to Dog and was directed to Pastor Storey, who’s coincidentally black and described by USA Today as a pastor to the stars. He told TMZ Dog’s excuse was that he was angry at his son, not his girlfriend which makes perfect sense for his bigoted tirade.

Honestly, there’s really no way Dog can dig himself out of this hole. Unless he goes for the standby excuse that he was framed. Framed by someone who sounds exactly like him. Someone sporting an evil handlebar mustache named Dog… Blapman. Dog can even hold a press conference where he’ll look directly into the camera and shake his fist screaming, “This is the last time you screw with me Dog Blapman!” You know, really go that extra mile to convince people he’s not the racist one.

To help A&E recover from this ordeal, I have come up with a new network slogan: “A&E now with 100% less mullet”. A&E, you may pay me my royalties in gold bars at your earliest convenience.