Donald Trump just gave us the greatest gift he could ever give. He’s decided to end this charade of running for president. A bittersweet decision as it would have ensured years of SNL material. Why won’t anyone think of the comedians?!

“After considerable deliberation and reflection, I have decided not to pursue the office of the Presidency. This decision does not come easily or without regret; especially when my potential candidacy continues to be validated by ranking at the top of the Republican contenders in polls across the country. I maintain the strong conviction that if I were to run, I would be able to win the primary and ultimately, the general election. I have spent the past several months unofficially campaigning and recognize that running for public office cannot be done half heartedly. Ultimately, however, business is my greatest passion and I am not ready to leave the private sector.”

He had more to say after that but the roaring applause and laughter from everyone in the world made it hard to hear. The only way Donald Trump would win a campaign for the presidency is if that wig on his head was an alien life form with mind control powers.

Donald Trump continued his look at me tour with a speech in Las Vegas on Thursday at a Clark County GOP-sponsored rally. The only reason I’m writing about this is this ridiculous video which shows him dropping an f-bomb, one of several during his speech, to roaring approval. Here’s an overview of his expletive-laden, impassioned diatribe,

On Iraq: “We build a school, we build a road, they blow up the school, we build another school, we build another road they blow them up, we build again, in the meantime we can’t get a f***ing school in Brooklyn,” Trump says.

On oil: “We have nobody in Washington that sits back and said, you’re not going to raise that f****ing price,” he says.

On taxing Chinese goods: “Listen you mother f***ers we’re going to tax you 25 percent,” Trump says. (Note: Trump’s clothing line is made in China)

Once he let out the f-bomb, the room went crazy. Because swearing is serious business! When you say words like f*ck and motherf*cker, it shows everyone you care a lot about the issue. That or it’s just a clever ruse to trick people into thinking you care when all you want is to promote Celebrity Apprentice. Video via TDW.

Conceding to the whackos who believe he wasn’t born in the US, Obama held a press conference this morning to end this “sideshow circus” once and for all by busting out his long form birth certificate. This, of course, means nothing to the crazies who’ll just say “fake” and “I can see the pixels” and “I can tell because I’ve seen a lot of ‘shops in my time.” Speaking of which, Donald Trump felt the need to continue his attention whoring taking credit for making this happen.

“Today I’m very proud of myself, because I’ve accomplished something that no one else has been able to accomplish. I want to look at it, but I hope it’s true. … But he should have done it a long time ago.”

Aw, isn’t he precious. He thinks he was the impetus for this. His ego must be magnified by ten. I bet he even has a little toupee ready for when it starts shouting “you’re fired!”

Last week there was a report that The Situation completely bombed at Comedy Central’s roast of Donald Trump. The Situation blamed it on him wearing sunglasses during his bit. Except the only reason he wore them was so no one could see him reading off the teleprompter so it was the lesser of two evils. On the other hand, maybe his performance was blown out of proportion and he actually didn’t do too bad.

Ha ha, that’s a good one. The episode finally aired and The Situation was indeed terrible. So terrible that even Ice-T lowered his head in shame.

Clearer, shorter clip at Radar.

Update: Jokes that didn’t make the cut from TMZ. All of which were terrible.

- “Yo Snoop, what up dawg … you know you have so much in common with Donald Trump? Trump’s ancestors were into real estate … and your ancestors were considered property.”
- “I’m not from New Jersey … I was born in Staten Island which is a New York borough … not to be confused with the burro Marlee Matlin bl*ws onstage in Tijuana … ”
- “Relax, she didn’t even hear it … I mean hey, at least her mouth is good for something right? Hey, that was definitely some great work Marlee … have you ever done anything else actually?”
- “Larry King is rockin’ the Armani diaper … Seth MacFarlane is sporting Victoria’s Secret … panties. And Snoop is wearing a Louis Vuitton condom … nah, I’m just kidding, he don’t wear condoms, you know that!”
- “I like Larry King … he’s a playa … he actually wrote a book named ‘Mr. King Is Having a Heart Attack’ … he got that title from a hooker he was f**king.”
- “Trump is a good looking dude … if your eyes are like Marlee Matlin’s ears.”

Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino was invited to be one of Donald Trump’s roasters. Long story short. It didn’t turn out so well. In fact, it was so bad a Comedy Central exec said his act may be cut from the final broadcast. The only reason it seems he was invited was to be everybody’s whipping boy.

“The Sitch,” as he’s called, deadpanned to Cummings, “I actually wouldn’t call you a grenade because you won’t be blowing up anytime soon.” (Buh-dum-bum!) He told Snoop Dogg that he and Trump had a lot in common because Trump owned a lot of property and Snoop’s ancestors were property. (Snoop did not appear amused.) Before long, the audience began to boo so loudly that comedian Jeffrey Ross, who’s been at this so long he’s known as the Roastmaster General, had to interject into the act to try to save the Situation, who’d already claimed he shared one quality with Ross: “This is my first night doing comedy.”

“It’s also your last,” Ross responded, to overwhelming applause.

Still, the crowd must have been glad that the Situation showed up, because he provided plenty of amusement for the other roasters. MacFarlane joked that “the Sitch” and Snooki made a good couple because “Italians are known for grinding organs with monkeys.” Snoop pretended to mistake the Situation for Snooki, “I’m sorry,” he said, “all white people who act black look the same to me.” The deaf actress Marlee Matlin, a surprise roaster who’s currently on Trump’s “Celebrity Apprentice,” even got in a swipe at the Great Bronzed One. “Like the Situation,” she said in American Sign Language, “I too have never heard the sound of laughter.”

…. As for the Situation, he didn’t seem phased. “Maybe if I hadn’t gone on with the sunglasses, there wouldn’t have been such a negative [vibe],” he mused, adding that Snoop told him to wear the Aviators so that no one could tell he was looking at the teleprompter. “Maybe they thought I was too cool, but that wasn’t the case. I was just wearin’ them ’cause Snoop said to wear ‘em.”

The only reason Snoop Dogg didn’t shoot The Situation for the slave comment was because he didn’t want to reinforce negative stereotypes. So he beat him up in his dressing room afterward. With his pimp cane. Naturally.

Lindsay Lohan needs a job because she’s broke which is why she wanted to be on Celebrity Apprentice despite having little business sense. While it would have been an amazing train wreck, Donald Trump nixed the idea. He told Life & Style:

“Lindsay has to straighten herself out first. And I know Dina, she’s a really lovely woman. I don’t think she gets very much credit — she’s tried. I know Michael a little bit. It could happen in the future, but right now we need to see Lindsay get straightened out.”

I still want to see Lindsay on the show. Even though she’d probably be eliminated in the first episode, it’d have been great to see her making blow job motions at Donald Trump’s son during the elimination in the boardroom to get his vote.

Donald Trump wants Lindsay Lohan to appear in the next Celebrity Apprentice. Clearly, Trump just wants to get a chance to go off on a tangent to draw Lindsay into an argument and ultimately yell at her “you’re fired!” Because, let’s face it, there’s no way Lindsay will win that show. She has the business acumen of a tapeworm.

Dina tells Page Six, “Donald is a friend of the family, and producers of ‘Celebrity Apprentice’ have approached Lindsay to appear in the next season. She’s deciding if she wants to do it or not, but she currently has three films in production, so she’s very busy.”

How did Dina stifle that laughter when she said Lindsay has three films in production? Who knows when the Lovelace biopic will start shooting. Lindsay is rumored to be in Black Friday 3D but that’s in pre-production. Then there are two other films that are rumored. If Dina is going to drive up Lindsay’s price, at least make it believable.

NBC says it’s too early to talk about casting but a source says it all hinges on Lindsay’s legal issues.

Whatever though. Lindsay should do it. Even though she’ll be kicked off after two weeks when she fails the first challenge of selling clothes by insisting they put knee pads on everything, those should be two entertaining weeks.

[Fame]

Shanna Moakler, she who is righteous, has resigned from the Miss California USA pageant. This move is a direct result of current Miss California Carrie Prejean’s press conference yesterday in which Prejean took no responsibility for anything. Moakler, who has gone topless in Playboy and other forms of media, released this statement in which she cites her conscience as the deciding factor to remove herself as pageant director.

“Since the press conference yesterday, I had a chance to think about what has taken place, and I feel that at this time it is in my best interest to resign from the Miss California USA organization.

I cannot with a clear conscious move forward supporting and promoting the Miss Universe Organization when I no longer believe in it, or the contracts I signed committing myself as a youth,” she continues. “I want to be a role model for young woman [sic] with high hopes of pageantry, but now feel it more important to be a role model for my children. I am sorry and hope I have not let any young supporters down but wish them the best of luck in fulfilling their dreams.”

Oh, Shanna Moakler has a conscience now and it has been offended by Carrie Prejean. May I remind you this is the same person that Travis Barker claimed partied until early morning and slept in until 2 AM ignoring her children. Somehow I think this statement is a little disingenuous and should have just read, “Carrie Prejean is a dickhole and so is Donald Trump. Moakler out.”

A decrease in work due to a broken neck, two divorces and providing assistance to family and friends have created a black hole in Ed McMahon’s wallet and are reasons why his Beverly Hills mansion faces foreclosure. But, wait. Donald Trump is here to save the day. Trump plans to buy the mansion and lease it back to Ed McMahon.

Trump, who does not know McMahon personally, said it “would be an honor” to help out the man who spent three decades as Johnny Carson’s sidekick on The Tonight Show. “When I was at the Wharton School of Business I’d watch him every night.”

McMahon, 85, bought the six-bedroom house in January 1990. Down from a peak price of $7 million, the property was listed at a bargain $4.6 million last weekend, according to the Los Angeles Times.

Donald Trump won’t do anything unless he can get publicity out of it. Given two choices: donate anonymously to a charity or be in every magazine for a month by letting Britney Spears take a dump on him, he’d cup his hands in about half a second.

[Image via Splash News]

Yesterday, it was largely reported Donald Trump tipped a waiter at Buffalo Club in Santa Monica, CA $10,000 on an $82 bill. Today we find out that that was a lie perpetuated by the club to increase their bottom line. Donald tells Page Six,

“This was done by the stupid restaurant to get publicity,” he said. “. . . It’s not my signature.”

Poor Billy D the waiter. Another pawn in the game of life. If I wasn’t so lazy, I’d give him something his troubles, but then I’d realize his service sucks so I’d take it back and punch him in the face instead. Where’s my goddamn to-go swan asshole. Ivanka Trump because she’s related to Donald.

I figure Leslie e-mailed this story about Donald Trump being a good tipper to a few sites out there, but that’s not going to stop me from posting it. Mostly because Leslie sounds hot.

My friend works at the Buffalo Club in Santa Monica. A couple days ago Donald Trump came in and left him a $10,000 tip! My friends think he’s just trying to promote his celebrity Apprentice but whatever. [He] told me Donald hardly even talked to him until the end when he asked, “What’s the biggest tip you ever got?” I guess Jerry Bruckheimer comes in a lot and once tipped him $500 on a $1000 tab and [he] told him. Trump just wanted to show he’s got the biggest dick! Lol. I’m so happy for [him]! He’s really a great guy.

That’s about $9,999.99 more than I tip. People say I’m stingy. I just like to think I have higher standards for waiters than everybody else. You didn’t make a a swan out of my to-go box? I don’t care if it’s made out of Styrofoam. Fail!

Donald Trump sent Barbara Walters a framed girdle-like outfit Rosie O’Donnell wore in “Exit to Eden” to hang in the offices of “The View.”

The girdle-like outfit – variously described as “a bustier” and “a giant pair of panties” – was bought at a charity auction by a fan, who then had the relic framed under glass and delivered to Trump.

“I sent it to Barbara to hang in her office because I didn’t want it in mine. It was funny, except that it was really gross. It’s disgusting,” Trump told Page Six. “I feel sorry for [Rosie's] wife. It can’t be pleasant.”

And Rosie had to bring it up on the show.

On “The View” on Monday, O’Donnell asked Walters, Joy Behar and Elizabeth Haselbeck: “You want to hear what a 61-year-old businessman did today? He sent Barbara . . .”

Walters interrupted: “But this is for me to say. This was sent for me, it was not sent to you.” O’Donnell: “Go ahead, you say it.” Walters: “No, I don’t want to.” O’Donnell: “You don’t want to?”

Walters ended the conversation, “I really do not want to stir up the whole Donald Trump thing again” – leaving viewers wondering what they were talking about.

In a perverted way, this is kind of sexy. No, I lied. This is totally not sexy. This is as far from sexy as you could get. If sexy was standing in California, this would be in another solar system. And in that other solar system, aliens would pass it by on the street and say in disgust, “Eww, not sexy.” That’s how un-sexy it is.

The picture is of Ivanka Trump because I don’t have the stomach to search for Donald or Rosie.

The increasingly annoying Donald Trump gleefully shaved Vince McMahon’s head after winning a hair match at Wrestlemania 23 this past Sunday. During the match, The Donald managed to sneak in some fake punches on McMahon while his wrestling representative Bobby Lashley defeated Umaga. However, not everything went Trump’s way. Special guest referee Stone Cold Steve Austin turned on Trump and delivered a Stone Cold Stunner leaving the audience shocked.

Shocked that this is what pro-wrestling has come to. No longer able to maintain popularity through absurd story lines featuring anabolically gifted fighters covered in more grease than Rosie O’Donnell’s third chin, WWE had to elicit the help of an aging real estate billionaire happy to suckle on fame’s dirtiest teat. For shame.