During their 18 month relationship, Doug Reinhardt spent $2 million on Paris Hilton. This included trips on private planes to Fiji, Hawaii, Aspen and Anguilla among other places. From Radar:

Doug was also known to lavish her with gifts including a baby teacup Pomeranian, Chanel watch, and custom-made diamond jewelry.

Recently, the former twosome flaunted their single status at the Coachella music festival over the weekend, both flirting up a storm with surrounding attractive music lovers. Doug was even photographed in a passionate lip-lock with an unidentified brunette, which may have prompted Paris’ recent tirade about him claiming she is getting “thousands of calls” since she got back on the dating scene, “doesn’t even care” about the breakup, and is “better off” without Doug.

For reference, one time I stepped out of my room. The sun was really bright so I went back in. Also, one time a friend gave me one of those Coke cups you get from the McDonald’s Happy Meal for my birthday but I dropped it and it broke. Look at me, everyone. I’m living the lifestyle of the rich and famous!

It seems like just yesterday Doug Reinhardt and Paris Hilton broke up. I guess 48 hours is the maximum amount of time he needed to get over it because on Monday he was seen leaving Industry with an unknown blonde.

Someone should really tell that poor girl Doug used to stick his penis in a petri dish of STDs. If that were me, I’d want to be warned. I… ah forget it. She’s probably a big whore anyway.

[Pacific Coast News]

Radar says they know the real reason Paris Hilton and Doug Reinhardt split. According to “sources”, Paris thought Doug was just using her to further his career. Naturally, that’s the only reason you’d date Paris Hilton, but Doug had her fooled apparently.

Reports surfaced recently that Reinhardt’s younger sister was going to get her own reality TV show, with Doug serving as producer, and that Paris was going to be in several episodes. Our sources tell us that Paris never had any plans to participate in the reality show, and that Doug was pressuring her to be a part of it, and she flatly refused. We are told the reality show is a no-go without Paris’ involvement.

If I was Doug, I’d at least want something for wading through that cesspool of STDs that is Paris Hilton’s vagina. Appearing in a few episodes of a reality show is the least she could do for the now permanent burning sensation Doug feels when he pees.

In related news, Paris and Reggie Bush, Kim Kardashian’s ex, were seen partying together at Tao in Vegas over the weekend. Wait, I thought Paris didn’t like black people?

[INF]

You’d think there would be more photos of Paris Hilton flaunting her ass in a desperate bid for attention during these past few months, but there aren’t. She’s surprisingly been pretty low key for a while. Until she went to Brazil for the Devassa launch party anyway. There she tried to out-whore herself by bending over for everyone. The most and least impressive thing about this was she was wearing underwear. Paris Hilton is losing a step. The game is passing her by.

Paris Hilton and Doug Reinhardt’s neighbors in Hollywood Hills hated how loud they were at night. It got to the point that they tried to stage an “intervention” by complaining to their reps, but it was too late. I wish that I could say “too late” meant a semi crashed through their bedroom while they were sleeping, but it really just means they’re moving.

Sources tell TMZ the couple’s neighbors reached out to Paris and Doug through their reps to voice their displeasure about the couple’s late night partying. But it was already too late …

By the time they made the calls, Doug had already made up his mind that he was leaving town anyway.

We’re told P and D plan on movin’ out very, very soon — no word on where they plan to go next.

Most of Hollywood should be in the grips of fear right now. Not knowing where Paris is going to settle her tainted vagina next is as nerve wracking as playing Russian roulette. This is like that movie Outbreak except the disease in this case is much worse and the threat much more real.

Fame and excess. That pretty much describes the life of Paris Hilton. For example, on Saturday in her Beverly Hills mansion, she threw a birthday party for boyfriend Doug Reinhardt which included acts from Three 6 Mafia and Ya Boy and guests included Kristanna Lokena nd Hayden Panettiere. Home videos of Paris and Doug played on screens throughout the house and everyone partied until 3 a.m. inside the nightclub Paris constructed in her mansion. For my birthday, I turned the lights off while I sang Happy Birthday to myself in front of a cupcake with a single used candle.

Paris also surprised Doug by popping out of a cake in a hot pink costume and black diamond mask. Sounds dangerous as I’d imagine this would happen when people saw a diseased wonky-eyed socialite jumping out at them. Hopefully no one ate the cake either or else the CDC is going to have a busy week.

Paris Hilton constantly laments the media’s negative portrayal of her and frequently insists that her public persona is merely a character concocted by the world’s greatest thespian. As everyone knows, that is a lie. The vapidness and selfishness you see in public is the same vapidness and selfishness you get in private. Case in point: Her gift to boyfriend Doug Reinhardt.

Before jet-setting to Vancouver, Paris had her team pay a visit to D.R.’s house, bringing over life-size photos of herself to hang throughout the mansion. And we don’t exactly think she got Dougie’s permission! Talk about an extreme home makeover.

Certainly not entirely self-minded, P.H. managed to frame a few pictures of the two of them as well, hamming it up for the camera in all sorts of ridiculous kissy-kissy poses. P’s crew hung them all over chez Reinhardt for all houseguests to gawk at—or laugh at, depending what reaction you usually emit while staring at pics of Paris.

Paris can’t walk past a mirror without falling in love so this isn’t a surprise. If Paris was a wild animal and you were tasked to track and shoot her, your camouflage would be a shiny suit. No, the real surprise is that these pictures weren’t pop-up like the books she’s used to reading. Interestingly enough, the first time Paris ever saw a normal picture, she asked, “So, like, do I need one of those 3D glasses or something?” True story.

Paris’ epic whore saga continues. A day after sucking face with Cristiano Ronaldo and mere hours after her ex, Doug Reinhardt released this statement: “Doug refuses to take part of this ridiculous media circus. He wishes Paris and all of her future boyfriends the best of luck,” Paris went back to Doug’s house to reconcile. TMZ explains:

But our spies say last night Paris begged Doug to take her back. She told him she loved him and had made a mistake by breaking up with him.

We’re told she was texting him all night and then showed up at his house at 4 AM this morning, banging on his door. Apparently Doug succumbed to her charm … which means he scored.

Dear lord, can Paris go one day without sticking a penis inside her? Her vagina must be exhausted. It probably looks like Kristie Alley after a marathon: Dry heaving, clutching its chest and asking to be put out of its misery .

Remember when Paris Hilton hinted at maybe settling down with her boyfriend of six months Doug Reinhardt? Yea, that’s not happening. Whores don’t settle down. Hilton’s rep told PEOPLE on Wednesday that the fairytale is over.

“In response to the inquiry on whether Paris Hilton has split up with Doug Reinhardt, yes, this is true they are no longer together. They remain friends and ask that you please respect their privacy.”

Turns out the fastest way to a man’s heart isn’t dry humping him all over the dance floor. The good news is at least we won’t be seeing any more of that for a while. The bad news is it’s time to dust off that full body condom now that Paris is back on the prowl.

Tired of whoring her junk around Hollywood, Bigfoot may be ready to settle down and hinted at a possible summer wedding with Dough Reinhardt. Says E!:

At the MTV Awards, the thin-but-not-too-thin rich bitch started giggling and looked at Doug, attached to her arm: “You know, we’ll see. If things go the way they are…Let’s just say I’ve never been happier. You never know.”

Of course, her wonky eye made it hard to discern what she was giggling at or responding to. Just to the left of her was a clown juggling water balloons. Maybe she didn’t even hear what E! said. It’s always so hard to interview Paris when one of her eyes won’t cooperate.

Paris Hilton and boyfriend Doug Reinhardt — starting out a story like that never bodes well — were invited to a yacht party by a guy named David Furnish, Elton John’s husband.

As soon as they arrived, they started mouth fucking in front of everyone. The collective retching only stopped when Paris and Dough made their way below deck to start the real show. Thankfully, David caught and stopped them as they were about to close the door.

The captain also found out and kicked their asses off the boat for “unsociable behavior.” The two left to what I assume was thunderous applause.

Someone give the captain a medal. Next time though, throw them overboard. With the amount of rocks in their heads, they’ll hopefully sink to the bottom of the ocean.

Paris Hilton and her boyfriend Doug Reinhardt hit up a club in Cannes last night and pretty much humped each other around the place. God damn, this isn’t a porno set.

You want to know why Paris and Doug were the only ones sitting? Because no one else wanted anywhere near those snail trails Paris left on the seats. Even pouring hand sanitizer over the area didn’t work. Paris’ vagina juice just sort of repelled the antibacterial liquid like oil does to water.

Even Paris Hilton was let into Ronson’s I heart Ronson for JCPenny party. That’s sad, Lindsay. Anyway, there we learned that Paris wants to marry Doug Reinhardt. She professed “He’s going to be my husband.” Doug simply said, “You never know.” Meaning, her dopey ass will be single in about a month.

Of course, no one takes this seriously. Paris is a revolving door for men. The only people that haven’t been in her tattered vagina probably don’t live within a fifty mile radius of her. Not only that, Paris thinks love is when a guy finishes in her mouth instead of on her face. One could say she’s been in love with half of LA.