Doutzen Kores walked around Miami, Florida Thursday afternoon showing off her toned abs and making every woman cry into their molten lava cakes. That is to say, she looked pretty good in a bikini. She should think about becoming a model or something.

Michael Bay has filmed commercials for Victoria’s Secret for the past two years. I heard the girls loved being demeaned so much they asked him back for another one. Michael Bay agreed and then jerked off a couple times into wads of $100 bills. His life is fantastic.

Anyway, here he is filming it. I’d pay anything to see the storyboard to this. I imagine it was pretty much tits everywhere while fighter jets flew by and random explosions went off. Bay is basically living every 12-year-old’s wet dream at this point.

Doutzen Kroes and the newly single Bar Refaeli were ostensibly the best thing about The Beaver premiere in Cannes. Doutzen wore a form fitting white dress while Bar wore a blue one. The Beaver premiere should just be a model-off between these two. Just have them strut around the red carpet for 30 minutes while all the other celebs are ushered in through the back.

Victoria’s Secret model Doutzen Kroes gave birth eight weeks ago and between then and now, she’s already gotten back into bikini shape. Naturally, she flaunted it in everyone’s face by putting on a two-piece and lounging by the pool at the W Hotel.

While she was doing that, security had to restrain Britney Spears as she tried lunging at Doutzen with a sharpened chicken bone screaming “I’ll cut that bitch.”

Victoria’s Secret model Doutzen Kroes married her boyfriend, producer, DJ, Sunnery James, in a small, private ceremony in her Dutch hometown of Eastermar.

The wedding took place in front of the pregnant model’s 30 closest friends and family members. The bride wore a dress by Spanish designer Pronovias, and the happy couple will be honeymooning on an island just north of Madagascar. In lieu of gifts, the lovebirds are asking for donations to be made to dance4life, a Dutch charity for which Kroes is an ambassador, or to the World Wildlife Fund. James proposed to Kroes in January, and we reported on her pregnancy in July. The couple are expecting a boy in January. “We are so happy to start our new life together,” she told Page Six.

Producer, DJ, marrying a dutch Victoria’s Secret model, honeymooning on an island. This sounds exactly like my life but replace everything I mentioned in the previous sentence with Twinkies and sadness. On second thought, this is nothing like my life at all. Nevermind.

I’m not sure what the photographer’s instructions for Doutzen Kroes was. “Look sexy!” “Now crawl on the ground like there’s gunfire above your head!” “Now scale that wall like you’re running for your life!” “Throw this rock like it were a live grenade!” “Your legs are blown off. Wiggle your stumps in the air in shock!” Is this supposed to be a sexy photo shoot or boot camp?

Here’s some behind the scenes shots of Victoria’s Secret Doutzen Kroes. If I was that guy tying her bikini, I’d make sure to tie it really loose. That way I can watch it fall off 20 times before she catches on. “Hey, did you do something to my bikini?,” she’ll ask. Then I’ll look around nervously and run away. Luckily by then I’ll have 3 16gb CF cards full of pictures. Muahhaha. Muahahahha. To my man cave with them! Aka the bathroom at McDonald’s.

Doutzen Kroes hit up St. Barths to do a photo shoot for Victoria’s Secret. Which is complete bs if you think about it. My basement has a bunch of rocks and water too, but Doutzen wouldn’t shoot there. In St. Barths, you don’t even get my mom bringing down cookies either. One could even argue that St. Barths is worse than my basement.

The annual Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show took place last night in New York. You’ll probably be really excited watching a bunch of hot chicks like Heidi Klum, Alessandra Ambrosio, Marisa Miller, Doutzen Kroes, Miranda Kerr and others walk around the runway in ridiculous looking lingerie. Not me though. Why would I get excited about a regular Saturday night? (I have the 2008 show taped and watch it every Saturday night. I’m so lonely.) The show airs Tuesday, Dec. 1 on CBS. Hit the gallery for 120+ pictures.

Here’s my former lover Doutzen Kroes modeling lingerie for Victoria’s Secret. We broke up because she couldn’t understand why I had to sleep with the other VS models. She wanted me all to herself. I explained to her that I don’t like to be tied down and that it’s not her, it’s me and my insatiable desire to please women. Call me ladies.

I can’t decide who I want to bang more: Doutzen Kroes or Alessandra Ambrosio. Sigh. It’s times like these when I wish I had one of those cool voting option things on the site. I always base my unrealistic expectations on the popular vote.

Victoria’s Secret model Doutzen Kroes hit the beach the other day and looked like she was about to hump her boyfriend in the ocean. That is her boyfriend, right? Because I think I can take him. Beating him up is the first step in wooing Doutzen away from him. Also, he might be gay. It looks like he’s checking out another guy’s package in this pic. Yep, this is going to be easier than I thought. His sculpted body will be no match for the fighting skills I learned from Billy Banks. I just have to make sure not to fall in love with those piercing eyes and chiseled abs.

What is this? The fifth time I’m posting about Victoria’s Secret Model Doutzen Kroes being naked? It’s like she’s the only one reading my letters. What’s up with that, other VS models? I don’t write those things in blood and seal them with a kiss for nothing.