Drew Barrymore. Because she hasn’t carried a decent movie since The Wedding Singer and even that’s debatable. I didn’t just pull this name out of my ass either. Forbes did real reporting and took their highest paid actor list and calculated each actor’s estimated earnings on each film they did. They looked at the film’s budget and box office and DVD earnings to come up with an operating income. They then did some fancy math to come up with a number representing an average of how much a studio earns for every dollar paid. Anyway, enough with the technical mumbo jumbo. On to the list.

1. Drew Barrymore – $0.40 on every $1
2. Eddie Murphy – $2.70 on every $1
3. Will Ferrell – $3.50 on every $1
4. Reese Witherspoon – $3.55 on every $1
5. Denzel Washington – $4.25 on every $1
6. Nicolas Cage – $4.40 on every $1
7. Adam Sandler – $5.20 on every $1
7. Vince Vaughn – $5.20 on every $1
9. Tommy Girl – $6.35 on every $1
10. Nicolas Kidman – $6.70 on every $1 Forbes

Yikes. Drew Barrymore stands out from everyone on that list because she’s the only one who’s lost money on each dollar for the studios. Eddie Murphy at least gave them a positive return on investment. For every dollar the studio gave Drew, she lost 60% of it. You’d get better odds in Vegas.

ABC has canceled Charlie’s Angels due to the show’s inability to recapture the 8.7 million viewers it had for its premiere. Each week, the Drew Barrymore produced reboot dropped a couple million in viewers. Combined with terrible reviews, it was inevitable that ABC would give it the axe.

Looks like not even a girl-on-girl kiss could save that show. A startling discovery that has turned my world upside down. I thought a girl-on-girl kiss was the answer to every problem? I don’t know what to believe in anymore!

Drew Barrymore did an interview with The London Standard for her upcoming film, Going the Distance, but spent most of the time bitching about another reporter who kept asking her about her wild days. Drew said she wanted to rip her face off.

“You should have heard this bitch I had to do an interview with before you. God, I wanted to punch her, she would just not drop the youth thing. I have no problem talking about it. I am not someone who is ashamed of my past. I’m actually really proud. I know I made a lot of mistakes, but they in turn were my life lessons.

“It’s actually good to get it done young and have a great life later. But yeah, man, I wanted to rip this woman’s face off. She just would not shut up about it.”

Drew Barrymore is 35 now. Her wild days ended more than 10 years ago. Why a reporter would beat a horse so dead that it’s bones already turned to dust is beyond me but Drew should have gone off on the reporter. That would have made a way more interesting interview if for an hour Drew just repeatedly punched her in the face. The article would just be 10 paragraphs of “Ahhhhhhhhhh! Help!”

Drew Barrymore ran into Marky Mark one day and decided to tell him that her character in Going the Distance fawns over how hot he was when he was an underwear model during a phone sex scene with Justin Long. Turns out Marky Mark is an ungrateful ass who doesn’t want to talk about that part of his life. Probably because he thinks he’s a serious actor now. *Stifles laughter*

As Barrymore explains, she had a very awkward exchange with Wahlberg when he learned her character in the film lusts after him. “Oh my God, I did tell him that,” she said. “I ran into him at an awards show and I told him I was just talking about how hot you are in your underwear.” The former underwear model was not impressed.

Barrymore admitted she was confused that Wahlberg was not more excited to be the object of her phone-sex desire.

“Who would not be excited about that?” she asked. “He’s a very nice guy, and I have had other conversations with him that went much better than that.”

Long, Barrymore’s on-again, off-again boyfriend, admits the encounter “didn’t go over great … In [Wahlberg's] defense, it’s a strange thing to bring up. I don’t think he was prepared for it.”

Marky Mark has no sense of humor or any emotion for that matter. You can tell by his acting. His facial expression for joy and anger could both be confused with constipation. The only way you can tell how he’s feeling in a scene is if he says “I’m angry” or “I’m sad”. I heard the crew has to throw water on his face to fake tears because when the director told him to cry, Wahlberg looked at him and said, “I ain’t no bitch.”

Here’s Drew Barrymore returning to her hotel at 4:30 AM in London completely wasted to the point she’s going to fall asleep standing up. She looks all scraggly and hippy-ish that I could have sworn I threw a dollar in her cup the other day.

People reports that in the latest issue of InStyle, Drew Barrymore acknowledges her rocky relationship with her mother.

“I am okay with my dad, but my mom and I have yet to work it out.”

You know what else Drew has yet to work out? Her abs. I’m so tired of my opinions of her fluctuating with her weight. She’s cute, she’s fat, she’s cute, she’s fat. I’d be grateful if she could just find a happy medium to where I could make the final decision that she probably could be cute, but she’ll most likely always be fat. Drew also speaks of possibly leaving her work as an actress behind.

“Maybe I’ll just travel as a tourist and leave this whole business behind to wander,” she says. “I love my life. I really do. But there are moments I battle with it. Some days I want nothing more than a brilliant mask so I could look like someone else and go wander the streets and be free. I’m very peeved Halloween only comes once a year.”

I agree, Drew. I wish every day you could mask your face as well. Well, to be fair, only on the days where you’ve lost self control and gained those extra 30 pounds again. Get it together, Drew or become a tourist soon.

In news that’s probably about as exciting as that cat on your lawn, Drew Barrymore and Justin Long may be back together. They were spotted at the after-party for Grey Gar dens “giggling and kissing each other all night and leaving together.”

Remember when Drew Barrymore was interesting and did stuff like flash David Letterman and have an eating disorder? Those were better times. Happier times. More erotic times. Now she’s dating the Mac guy and all she wants to do is act like a high schooler and get fat. It’s really depressing when you think about it. Which is why I try not to. Right now I’m thinking about ponies. I can’t tell you why, but the pony I’m thinking of can fly. Wheee. What were we talking about again?

Drew Barrymore broke up with Justin Long  eight months ago. Now they’re hanging out again and engaging in “full-on PDA.” Life & Style has the sordid details.

“They couldn’t get enough of each other. I don’t think they even noticed that there were other people in the room! In between kisses it was all smiles and laughs.” The next night, the lovers reunited at Ike sushi in Hollywood. “They sat at the sushi bar and ordered Sake and dinner. They were both in a great mood. They were smiling ear to ear the whole time, and laughing and looking they were so happy they were going to burst.”

“Once they polished off the sake, Justin ordered a Sapporo beer and split it with Drew. Justin grabbed Drew’s hand and held it on his thigh. They looked in love. They finished their dinner with him springing for the tab, and walked out arm in arm.”

The most amazing thing here is that after reading this, I still don’t care about either of them. When I hit kisses and smiles, I realized my chair spins. So, that’s what I’ve been doing for the past 30 minutes.

I would think that for the Golden Globes celebrities would focus more on their whole ensemble rather than just their outfits. I was wrong. Here’s Drew rocking some big hair on the red carpet yesterday. It must have been a real pain in the ass to sit behind her and must have made staring at celebrities’ boobs extremely difficult. I’d punch right through her hair if she was sitting behind me, but I’d probably miss her head by about a good 5 feet.

Drew Barrymore and that Mac guy recently ended their relationship. I know it broke some of your hearts, but don’t worry, she’s found another guy to plow by the name of Jason Segel. The dude from Forgetting Sarah Marshall and Prison Break. Us Magazine reports:

On Saturday night, the casually clad actress, 33, and Segel, 28, (who were reportedly spotted smooching November 28 at L.A.’s Chateau Marmont) hit the
Brass Monkey Bar, where they belted out the “Rainbow Connection” on the karaoke stage.

“Drew and Jason were obviously dating because they were kissing and touching each other throughout the night,” a source told Usmagazine.com.

Club performer Elaine Roberts claims they’re just friends and it’s not serious. Other sources claim they’re friends with “a little benefits.” In other news, I didn’t think I could have cared less about Drew Barrymore, but here I am, caring much, much less. Thank you Us for proving me wrong.

Drew Barrymore and Ed Westwick (Chuck Bass from Gossip Girl) were seen making out at Webster Hall during the Kings of Leon performance. Earlier reports claimed Drew was with Ed’s co-star Chace Crawford. That, however, was all a smokescreen to cover up the real relationship.

Following last night’s show, Westwick, wearing leather pants and pointed shoes, accompanied Barrymore to the after-party at Bowery Electric where the pair continued their PDA. Barrymore even straddled Bass — um, we mean Westwick — in a move not dissimilar to that time Serena did it with Nate on the bar. To be honest, the whole thing kind of hurt our eyes a bit, not least because at 33, Drew is definitely the Catharine to 21-year-old Westwick’s Marcus. Needless to say, he could barely conceal his smug satisfaction all night — and left wearing the same half-smile Chuck did after he bagged Blair that fateful night in season one.

What does this mean for you normal people? Nothing really. Just that Drew Barrymore likes them young. Drew probably brags to all her friends that it was the tightest ass she’s ever had. Granted, I have no idea what that means and neither do Drew’s friends.

Spotted: Chuck Bass Snogging … Drew Barrymore?!?!?! [NYMag]

Drew Barrymore dumped Justin Long not too long ago. Attempts have been made by Justin to find a rebound girl, but reports indicate he’s still very “distraught.” So much so that he has pulled out of his directorial debut for Whip It.

“He couldn’t stand working with her and not being with her. He’s too upset,” the source said. “She dumped him. She was hot and cold. One minute she was in love with him and the next she wanted to break up with him.”

Christ. He was dumped by Drew Barrymore, not by Scarlett Johansson. I can understand if he took one day off to ponder the question of “how am I going to get laid now?,” but there’s no reason to be this upset. He makes it sound like Drew killed his dog or stole the last slice of pizza.

Drew Barrymore and the Mac guy, Justin Long, have broken up after nearly a year of dating. No details have been given other than a rep confirming the news. A source said that they remain friends.

God, this is boring. Justin Long should have broken up with Drew by drowning her cat. That way I could come up with a clever title like, “Justin Long hates Drew Barrymore’s wet pussy.”