Thursday on The View, Elisabeth Hasselbeck announced she was pregnant for the third time. Expecting an August birth, Hasselbeck said: “We are thankful for such great news and will begin planning our zone defense strategy immediately.” Hasselbeck already has two children with her husband Tim Hasselbeck, football dude.

Doctors predict this will be the most annoying birth ever and that if Elisabeth doesn’t keep quiet while pushing out her baby, they will duct tape her mouth shut. Protesters declared this a violation of human rights, but doctors were quick to refer them to The View. It was at that point protesters nodded understandingly and left.

Janette Barber, Rosie O’Donnell’s chief writer, was escorted out of the ABC building after she was caught drawing mustaches on pictures of Elisabeth Hasselbeck.

The Post’s Adam Buckman reports ABC confirmed in a statement only that “photographs at ‘The View’s’ offices were defaced. Rosie O’Donnell was not in the building. ABC Legal and Human Resources are investigating the matter.” Barber is an old friend of O’Donnell who worked with her years ago on “The Rosie O’Donnell Show.”

Janette Barber would make a great super-villain. While Janette’s peers are out there searching for a superhero’s one weakness, she’ll leave a flaming bag of poop on the doorstep of her arch-nemesis, ring the door bell and run. Then when Batman or somebody comes to stomp it out, their shoes will smell like poop. Next time he saves a hot chick, she’ll think he has really bad b.o. and won’t even give him a hand job. Evil.

The video above is of Alicia Silverstone snubbing Elisabeth Hasselbeck during that fateful day on The View.

Rosie O’Donnell and Elisabeth Hasselbeck clashed once again on The View. The debate was over Rosie’s position on the troops in Iraq where she insinuated they were terrorists. They began going at it like hungry badgers after Rosie called Elisabeth cowardly.

As the two squared off, the other cohosts – Joy Behar and guest Sherri Shepherd – were trapped uncomfortably in the middle, and Behar repeatedly attempted to change the subject or distract the sparring women. “Who is directing the show?” she asked. “Let’s go to commercial.”

Later on, Rosie made a blog post alluding to the fact that she may have been fired.

like it or not
tomorrow kelli turns 40
i will not be at work

This is about as thrilling as sticking a fork into my pee-hole. Given the chance, I’d rather kiss an airplane propeller than watch The View. At least then, death would come quick.

Rosie O’Donnell reduced Elisabeth Hasselbeck to tears on Wednesday’s episode of The View. Lo and behold, it wasn’t from the pungent aroma emanating from her folds. Page Six reports,

“Elisabeth just can’t take it any more,” the insider said of her tensions with O’Donnell, who constantly slams her conservative stance. Things got especially ugly on Wednesday. Hasselbeck said she supported the government’s access to citizens’ phone conversations. Liberal O’Donnell responded, “Elisabeth, you are very young and you are very wrong.” Hasselbeck accused Rosie of ageism and broke down later off-camera. By yesterday afternoon, Rosie had blogged: “i said some of elisabeth’s comments were ignorant which was ignorant itself.”

Despite our differing opinions, Elisabeth and I are in the same boat. I also cry when I see Rosie. I cry for humanity and I cry for that turkey that made its way through Rosie’s front door. Jesus, one bite and poof, gone, just like that.

Eli Roth gives us a teaser trailer for Hostel 2. I still don’t know why some people go gonzo over the first one. All it had was naked chicks, ultra-violence and, um, nevermind.

Angelina Jolie wants to adopt an Indian baby. Remember that Simpsons episode where children of different cultures sit around in a circle and then Bart gets them to turn on each other? I think Angelina Jolie watched that episode one too many times.

Elisabeth Hasselbeck is crying over a Law & Order SVU episode where a character named Elizabeth Hassenback was raped twice and then killed. The producers must hate her if they had her raped twice. Jesus.

Rihanna has an impressive forehead. Thankfully your eyes don’t move up far enough to notice. If you’re ever stuck on an island with her, you don’t have to go far to crack some coconuts.

Paris Hilton has a new puppy. Funny how 90% of the animals she brings home are never to be seen again.