I’ve neglected the Week in Shoots for a couple weeks but stability was never my strong suit. Just ask my illegitimate children. Here’s a round-up of what happened this week.

• Christina Aguilera dribbled what looked like period blood down her leg during her Etta James performance which turned out to be fake tanner.
• The SAG Awards happened and Dick Van Dyke was really excited about it.
• NBC got cold feet and pulled the donkey semen Fear Factor episode.
• Nick Carter showed what a good kisser he was.
• Elisabetta Canalis traded down and made out with Steve-O.
• Joan Rivers got high on TV.
• Blake Lively announced her number.
• Channing Tatum made Rachel McAdams a prosthetic penis.
• Eli Roth became the primary suspect in the Selena Gomez murder case.
• Snooki peed herself.

As for what you’ll find in today’s photoshoot round-up.

• Arianny Celeste in Complex.
• Elisha Cuthbert in Shape.
• Elizabeth Olson in ASOS.
• Kim Kardashian in an Esquire shoot.
• Leighton Meester shot by Mark Lidell.
• Taylor Momsen in FHM (again?).
• Tori Praver in lingerie.

Dallas forward and sometimes Vogue intern Sean Avery has been suspended indefinitely from the NHL following unsolicited and “inappropriate” comments he made to reporters regarding his ex-girlfriends Elisha Cuthbert and Rachel Hunter.

Fox News reported that following a morning skate in Calgary, Alberta, Tuesday Avery approached a group of reporters, asked if a camera was present and then said: “I’m really happy to be back in Calgary; I love Canada. I just want to comment on how it’s become like a common thing in the NHL for guys to fall in love with my sloppy seconds.”

Avery will be out until he appears before NHL commissioner Gary Bettman for a hearing. Cuthbert is now dating Dion Phaneuf and Hunter is now with Jarrett Stoll.

I don’t know how hockey players deal with people calling their girlfriends “sloppy seconds” but I believe a sternly worded letter is in order. From what I’ve seen, hockey players are calm, cool, collected and rarely vent their frustrations through physical altercations.

[Image via Splash News]

It took weeks of planning, but the Pacific Ocean and I finally did it. We pulled Elisha Cuthbert’s bikini top down. You hear that? Those girlish shrieks are how I express excitement.

Elisha Cuthbert frolicked on the beach with her new boyfriend, Dion Phaneuf of the Calgary Flames. Her bikini top almost fell off, but she managed to grab on and hold it together. Pretty disappointing. Although, not as disappointing as the time I found out someone ate the last brownie, but it’s pretty close.

Having given up her bobbed hair, I can say with much enthusiasm that I no longer confuse Elisha Cuthbert with having a scrotum. That probably isn’t the compliment she was hoping for, but I assure you, Elisha, it’s a good thing. I can’t tell you how many times a Friday night has ended with me saying, “Oh… you have a scrotum. Bigger than mine.”

You may remember a while back Elisha Cuthbert sported a haircut that made her look like a disheveled tranny. A look that made your genitals weep for the good ‘ol days of the first season of 24. Well, weep no longer because Elisha changed her hairstyle. Now she looks like a real girl. With a vagina! What amazing powers her hair stylist must posses!

Paris Hilton and Elisha Cuthbert, who both starred in 2005′s horrid House of Wax, were seen at New York’s Tenjune “all over each other and making out.”

Hilton, 26, and Cuthbert, 25, didn’t arrive at Tenjune together. Hilton was there for a birthday party and was seen dancing on banquets. “It’s Paris,” says the source. “She loves putting on a show.”

That’s what makes America so great. Two girls can act slutty at clubs, make out with each other and possibly fondle, no, HOPEFULLY fondle each other as well and they won’t even get stoned or set on fire or anything! What a sexy story! Um, but between you and me, it’s kind of sad that Elisha looks like that Australian party boy now.

Elisha Cuthbert used to be pretty hot and less mean. I’m sure of it. So, what’s up with these pictures? If she tried to hug me, I’d think Satan was trying to send one of his minions to take me to hell. Popping a boner would be the furthest thing from my mind. I’d be so freaked out, I’d start frantically looking for the nearest, sharpest object to stab her with. I would pretty much look like a cat being held over a swimming pool.

Elisha Cuthbert has broken up with her N.Y. Ranger fianceé Sean Avery after more than two years together. Avery decided to make the most out of his newfound freedom by hitting on Paris Hilton.

“He hit on her three times, but every time, Paris would give him disgusted looks and move away from his creepy shoulder-brushing and close-talking ways,” said our snitch. The rebuffed Avery hit on other blonds. “You could tell he just wanted to hook up,” said the spy.

Nonsense. Sweet talking Paris Hilton into having sex with you should be as easy as convincing a kid you have candy in your car. Christ, it’s not like you’re trying to find a cure for cancer. You would have a harder time tying your shoe. Sorry, Sean Avery. You fail at life.

Elisha Cuthbert was at Paris’ Malibu party in a bikini top and white pants snapping pictures of people or paparazzi. This chick used to be cute. Now she looks frumpy and boring. Her last movie, Captivity, was a pos and she didn’t even get naked. She probably doesn’t think of herself as “that” kind of actress yet. Well, she is. And if anyone can give her that message and lower her self-esteem a little, it would be great because girls with self-esteem issues always do one of two things. Get naked or get fat. I’m hoping for “get naked”.

Hoping to garner at least a trickle of attention for her new movie Captivity, which is her being tortured for 90 minutes or so, Elisha Cuthbert recounts the time she was hit by a car and almost died. In a blonde moment, the actress once made the mistake of walking across the street when the other side had the green. She managed to avoid one car, but not a Mercedes whose driver most likely recognized her from House of Wax. Elisha says,

“So all of a sudden you freeze and think to yourself, `Can I outrun it? No. Am I going to break my legs? Probably.’ And what do I do? This is so cool of me because you realize the kind of person you are. I leaped up onto the car and I bounced and I flew all the way across the intersection. And I land right on my butt in the middle of the intersection. ‘Am I dead? No I’m not dead. Do I have any bones broken? No. Purse still intact.’”

So, one question remains. Is Elisha as dumb as her movie? I’m gonna go out on a limb and say yes. The tricky part is figuring out which one is dumber. I hear Captivity can solve a Rubik’s Cube in 2 minutes.

Ever since Elisha Cuthbert’s run on “24″ ended, she hasn’t done much besides hang out with the classy Paris Hilton both in clubs and in abysmal movies like “House of Wax”. You can see her next in the heavily marketed and heavily reprimanded “Captivity”. According to the studio, the film’s central theme is female empowerment and as such, billboards showed Elisha with a tube stuck in her nose about to be terminated. They must have they let her stick the tube in herself.

Ads in LA and New York for Elisha Cuthbert’s upcoming movie Captivity are being taken down today. Concerned citizens with nothing better to do complained about the ads which feature images of Elisha being tortured and killed.

The billboards, first posted March 13, feature four frames with captions above each one. “Abduction” shows Cuthbert with a gloved hand over her face; “Confinement” features the actress behind a chain-link fence with a bloody finger poking through; “Torture” depicts Cuthbert’s face, covered in white gauze, with tubes shoved up her nose; and “Termination” shows her with her head thrown back, seemingly dead.

Lions Gate passed the buck to After Dark Films saying they were responsible for the marketing. After Dark says the billboards were an accident. A sexy accident. The CEO Courtney Solomon said the wrong files were sent to the printer who passed it on to the billboard company without approval. She also noted the billboards were not an accurate depiction of the film’s message of female empowerment. Courtney even goes on to mention how they pussied out and “reshot the ending so the main character ends up in as much of a positive situation as the situation could allow.”

The retarded upright citizens brigade strikes again. Here’s some posters from the movie just because. I like how they squash Elisha Cuthbert’s boobs against the glass. Take out the dirt and suffocation and it kind of reminds me of a high school car wash. A very titillating high school car wash.

The “female empowerment” billboard via Defamer. After Dark gave themselves a 2 p.m. deadline to remove the ads.