According to multiple sites, Lindsay Lohan missed her flight from Hawaii to LA this morning and, as a result, missed the taping of her appearance on The Ellen DeGeneres Show. The appearance was supposed to be the start of her comeback where she’d promote her pictorial in Playboy. An insider says Lindsay neither called or apologized for missing the taping which was scheduled over two months ago.

“Lindsay was delayed in Hawaii due to a travel-related issue. She will be heading back this evening in time to appear in court tomorrow. Lindsay offered to tape ‘Ellen’ tomorrow, but the show was unable to shift things around, and tomorrow is their last day of taping for the season.” Gossip Cop

You mean Ellen didn’t want to move things around to accommodate princess Lindsay’s hectic schedule of Hawaiian vacations? How inconsiderate. Ellen should be ashamed of herself.

Since Lindsay Lohan’s Playboy pictorial will be tasteful (read: no nudity) she’s safe to promote the spread on daytime tv. Ergo, Lindsay will be appearing on Ellen on Dec. 15 to promote her pictorial in the January/February issue of the magazine.

“The pictorial is absolutely fantastic and very tasteful, and will be accompanied by an interview that will let readers see another side of Lindsay,” her rep said.
The troubled starlet is rumored to have earned $1 million for stripping down, some needed cash as her legal woes and struggles with substance abuse have made it difficult to book any acting gigs. Page Six

$1 million for a non-nude Lindsay Lohan pictorial seems steep. Especially when she already did a nude spread for far less. I could have negotiated a better deal for Playboy. I’d offer her mid five figures and if her people wanted to play hardball, I’d just look at Lindsay and tap my watch implying her 15 minutes were almost up.

It’s never too early to attention whore. That should be Kim Kardashian’s motto.

On Wednesday’s pre-taped episode of The Ellen DeGeneres Show, Kim and Kris Humphries talked about their marriage and what they’d do differently if they had another chance. Oh and then they renewed their vows again after only a month of marriage. I suppose it’s never a bad time to remind your husband not to bang groupies on the road.

“[I'd] elope,” Kardashian confessed to DeGeneres. “I would say [have a] longer after-party, but I was so crazy for an entire month…I literally went crazy. It was so stressful,” she reasoned of planning the black and white-themed bash, attended by celeb pals Ryan Seacrest, Julianne Hough, Demi Lovato, Lindsay Lohan, George Lopez, Brittny Gastineau, Eva Longoria, Mario Lopez and Sugar Ray Leonard.

At the Aug. 20 ceremony, Kardashian and Humphries wrote their own vows. “Kris talked about how he loved Kim’s hustle and work ethic,” a source told Us Weekly. “They also talked about all the things they loved about one another.” Us Magazine

But… but if Kim had eloped, how would she get the cover of PEOPLE or a four hour wedding special or more attention to satiate her hunger for fame? Someone isn’t thinking this through.

Kim and Kris also talk about babies. Indirectly refuting those pregnancy rumors, Kim said it’ll probably happen in a year or so.

“I think we would wait like a year before we really start trying to have kids,” Kim says. “I think we want to figure out where he is gonna play and figure out like his career and like if we have to pack up and move somewhere, like the Midwest. Who knows?”

And Kris admits he does see lots of kids in the duo’s future, saying that fun is going to be the key to keeping the newlyweds together for a very long time.

“Lots of kids…having fun together, knowing that we can have fun and that life is fun and that we can spend time together and support each other,” he said.

Adds Kim: “Ditto.” E!

That is to say any pregnancy rumors that come out before then will just be people calling Kim fat in a nice way.

Jennifer Garner told Ellen DeGeneres how she had to explain thongs to her 5-year-old daughter Violet. One day Violet followed Jennifer Garner into the bathroom and said her ass was so fat her “panties don’t even begin to cover it.” Garner then had to explain the thong. “You wear it when  you get older,” Jennifer said. Violet’s reaction? “Uh, that is so gross.”

If you’re wondering what the screen grabs have to do with the story, Jennifer then described what it was like seeing me naked for the first time and how big my penis was. True story. You probably won’t see that part on Ellen because they edited it out.

Can you believe Jennifer Aniston was on Ellen DeGeneres’ show and the first story that came out was about how she was the catalyst for Perez Hilton becoming a nicer, gentler celebrity blogger despite the way more interesting story being she and Ellen tested out vibrating nipple inserts during the show? Yea, I know. I couldn’t believe it either.

Jennifer, who turns 42 next Friday, and Ellen started the show off by talking about her dogs and, surprise, surprise, she dresses them up in little outfits to put in Christmas cards. The topic then moved on to the Mexican kid she’s never going to adopt (poor Carlos) and that Perez Hilton thing. Finally, Ellen whipped out two sets of vibrating nipple pads for them to try out.

At first, she seemed startled, but then she got a little more comfortable. Mm, yea. Just like that, baby. What? Er, nothing.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vUF8TJXSzKg&feature=player_embedded

Sadly, this might be the most action she’s gotten in months.

First off. Arrrgggghh! Why?!

Whew. Now that that’s out of the way. Jennifer Aniston went on Ellen DeGeneres’ show on Wedesnday to promote her movie Just Go With It and the interview devolved into a story about the time she confronted Perez Hilton, celebrity blogger employer.

“I ran into Perez Hilton in a garage,” she said. “One of those moments you just never expect to happen. I had finished dinner with a girlfriend and we were driving out and I saw this tall, long, lean person and I say, ‘Who is that?’ And she says, ‘I think that’s Perez Hilton.’ I said, ‘No. I have to say something to him. I have to.’ So I pulled up and we were sort of scoping each other out as I was pulling the car up. I just rolled down the window and I was like, ‘Hi.’ And he went, ‘Hi.’ We stood there like two deer in headlights. And I just said, ‘Come here. Just talk to me for a second.’ It was one of those great moments. It was a lovely meeting and I was just like, ‘Why are you so mean?’ There’s something really great about putting a human being in front of another human being and then the reality that those words, even if it’s for humor or effect or whatever, there’s a human being behind all of that…And he’s kept it up too which is good.” (Advocate)

Give me a break. There’s a reason Perez Hilton’s site turned into an amateur Just Jared. Drawing semen dribbling down people’s faces and outing celebrities doesn’t bring in as much money or contacts as a celebrity circle jerk does. Piggybacking off the gay bullying stories to promote his site’s nicer style was great for publicity.

Anyway, the LA Times blog asked Perez if there was any truth to this meeting and he gushed, “Ahhhh! Jennifer Aniston talked to me!,” like the hand of god just gave him a reach-around.

“I had not talked about meeting Jennifer Aniston out of respect for her and respect for the situation. It was actually a very powerful moment, I think for both of us,” he told the Ministry. “I told her the answer I would always tell myself — at the time, I viewed her as a character. I think it was very cathartic for her and for me.”

Let’s not make this into something it’s not. Jennifer Aniston asked him why he was being such a dickhead and this keyboard warrior got stars in his eyes. There was nothing cathartic about it.

Granted, I wouldn’t be any different. If a celebrity ran up to me and asked me straight up why I’m such a douche to them on the internet, I’d pee myself a little and wave my hands at them shouting, “No ingles!” Then I’d run home to my friends and tell them how so and so talked to me while I fluttered my hands in the air like I was trying to keep from fainting.

Jennifer Love Hewitt has so far been unlucky in love. With good reason. She’s batshit crazy. Jennifer went on Tuesday’s Ellen Degeneres Show and told everyone her secret for scaring men away.

Ellen: “Is this correct, you have a ring picked out for when you get married?”
Jennifer: “Well, I actually have three because I feel like I’m doing the guy a favor. I feel women are very confusing. We never know what we want and we’re not very good at nailing that down for them. And I feel like I don’t want to be upset if he picks a bad ring, so I feel like having three picked out and saying, ‘Look! Look at this plethora of things you can chose from!’ ”
Ellen: “So you tell them this ahead of time?”
Jennifer: “Well, yes.”
Ellen: “You say, ‘I have three rings picked out, should you decide…’ ”
Jennifer: “Well, if it gets to that conversation. If marriage comes up, I’m like, ‘You know what’s so weird. There is this store and there are three rings in it.’ ”
Ellen: “What store is it?”
Jennifer: “Tiffany’s. And if you chose one of these three, I’m going to be really excited. And if you go off on your own, we can have an awful, awkward moment. So why would you want to do that?”

Gosh, I wonder why Ross McCall and Jamie Kennedy left her. Men love hearing that their girlfriend already has, not one, but three wedding rings picked out from which they can choose. That ranks right up there with, “Does this dress make me look fat?,” and talking to you while you’re watching sports. She might as well get a few cats, take up sewing and be done with it.

What’s the over/under on how long she and Alex Beh are going to last? Until he sees this interview?

In a Tuesday interview with Ellen Degeneres, published author Snooki told her that she still parties hard and wakes up in a garbage can once a month. Wait, what?

Recalling something the ‘Jersey Shore’ star had said in a previous interview, Ellen asked, “Now, when you say if you didn’t black out it’s a good night for you, are you serious?”

Dead serious, she said. “Yes, because I want to remember my night and sometimes I just don’t. It sucks. So you’re like, “What did I do? Why did I wake up in a garbage can?”

And when Ellen asks how often that happens, Snooki casually responded, “Oh, like once a month.”

There’s that saying, “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure.” In this case, the saying would be, “One man’s trash is still another man’s trash.” Which begs the question, who the hell keeps rummaging through there? Please stop.

Katy Perry told Ellen DeGeneres that she’s in the process of officially changing her name to Katy Brand. She says she already responds to it. Like a well-trained animal.

“If I’m at an event or something like that and [someone] want[s] special attention. They go, ‘”Mrs. Brand!’ and I go shwoosh,” the singer said, turning her head to demonstrate

The “Firework” chanteuse admitted that her British hubby can be a handful. “But handfuls are also a lot of fun. There’s never a dull moment,” she said. “He’s a smorgasbord of things. A sense of humor is really important in our household. That’s how we de-stress and we like to have a laugh.”

Ellen DeGeneres then nodded her head and got an erection and it got real awkward. It was just like 6th grade gym class all over again.

Remember when I called Beyonce doughy when she was reportedly pregnant? Whoops. Tina Knowles, Beyonce’s mother, went on Ellen DeGeneres to clear up the pregnancy rumor. She joked, “The truth is that it’s not Beyonce that’s pregnant. It’s me. With all the rumors by now I should have 5 or 6 grandchildren.”

The only way I’d let Jay-Z get me pregnant is if he chloroformed me and promised I wouldn’t remember a thing. That or I get $200 million from the divorce.

On Thursday, Ellen DeGeneres announced that she wouldn’t be returning as a judge to American Idol. No one really cared because the only thing Ellen was good for was agreeing with what Simon or Randy said but phrasing her critique in a different way so it would sound like her own idea. Whenever she was asked to give her opinion first, you could see her floundering before coming up with either an obvious comment or a wishy-washy analysis.

Kara DioGuardi was also fired because she was useless and no one liked her even though she was the most attractive one there. Sources say the official reason is that AI wants to go back to the three-judge format. Which would make sense if they kept the original judges. But they didn’t. So read into that as you will.

Reports today say Ellen and Kara have been replaced by Jennifer Lopez and Steven Tyler. Oh, good. So this show will be even less entertaining. What’s the over/under that Jennifer will somehow always include a little fact about herself in each of her critiques and Steven will look lost every time he’s called on. Next season of AI will just be an infomercial for Lopez’s life and people confusing Steven for a 70-year-old lady.

[Fame]

The upside of being in an annoyingly popular movie cherished by thousands of irrational women is you can pretty much make them do anything including taking their clothes off in public. Robert Pattinson of New Moon did just that. He told Ellen,

“You kind of get 10 seconds with each person and you never really say anything and I kind of got bored of saying, ‘Hey, how are you doing?’” Pattinson tells the talk-show host. “[A fan] said in her 10 seconds, ‘What can I do to get your attention?’ I was like um, just take your clothes off.”

“She stood there and frantically started taking her clothes off and got dragged out of the room by security,” says Pattinson. “I never felt more terrible.”

If I were to meet Robert, I’d act nonchalant and throw him a head nod, but secretly I’d give him a fist bump and then giggle like a school girl when he touches my hand. Then I might faint in hope of landing in Robert’s arms. He’s so dreamy.

Ryan Seacrest put down the concealer for five seconds to give his thoughts on Ellen DeGeneres becoming the new judge on American Idol. According to FOX Pop Tarts, he can hardly wait to have someone on the show coherent enough to teach him how to braid his hair.

“We love Ellen, she is a superstar. She will change the sexual tension,” Seacrest told us at the Emmy’s on Sunday night. “Simon and Paula had a specific sort of tension, but this will be quite different…”

Quite different in a sense that there is finally a judge on this show that prefers vagina. This way, Simon doesn’t have to deal with Ryan flying into a jealous rage and threatening self-harm every time Ellen looks his way or grazes his arm. I would say the commercial breaks could now be filled with friendly conversation instead of Ryan reapplying his runny mascara, but some things never change.