Eminem and Rihanna performed Love the Way You Lie together again at the Grammys. After Rihanna finished, Eminem, Skylar Grey and Dr. Dre sang I Need a Doctor.

This was one of the better performances of the night because Eminem didn’t need to use any gimmicks like wearing a Liberace costume or birthing himself from an egg. In fact, if you even suggested Eminem wear that thing Cee Lo Green wore, he’d punch you in the face. Repeatedly.

Eminem took home Best Rap Album and Best Rap Solo but once again failed to take home the award for Album of the Year despite receiving 10 nominations. Arcade Fire ended up taking home that honor and, you know what? I’m okay with that.

Apparently Jeeves has a burning desire to get his ass kicked. Professional umbrella holder Nick Cannon challenged Eminem to a charity boxing match on his New York-based radio show. He wants to settle the war between Eminem and his wife Mariah by getting his face punched in.

Nick tweeted the double negative: “I don’t have nothing to lose!!! If I get beat up no one would be surprised… It will just be more material for my stand up!” However, he did admit, “I don’t think Eminem or Jay Z are even paying attention to us!”

I’m not sure how getting beat up settles the bad blood between your wife and some other dude who brags about banging your wife. I think it’d make it worse actually. Not only will he keep singing about how he banged your wife, he’ll also sing about how he beat up her scrawny, pencil-necked husband. It doesn’t seem like Nick has thought this through.

The video for Eminem’s Love The Way You Lie featuring Rihanna includes two actors you may have heard of. Megan Fox and that guy from Lost. I mean, Dominic Monaghan. The whole thing is about domestic violence or something. To be honest, I’m not sure. I was too focused on watching Megan trying to make Dominic choke on her tongue to care.

Kim Mathers a.k.a Eminem’s two-time wife and now ex for good gave a radio interview to a Detroit Michigan radio station where she let this gem slip:

“He’s not very well endowed.

“If you’re going to have sex with Marshall, make sure you have a little blue pill, because otherwise it does not work.” [The Sun]

I see. Kim, darling, sweetie, honey pie. Have you ever considered the fact that the only reason you’re on a radio station in the first place is because you were having sex with Eminem? What are you known for, again, besides your haphazard usage of chola lip liner and neglecting to dye your roots? Oh right, you gave birth to Eminem’s 13-year-old daughter, Hailie Jade. Oh, yeah, also, Eminem pays all your bills, and adopted your daughter (who wasn’t his) and your neice (who wasn’t his, or even yours, for that matter), and put them in good schools and treats them like his own children.

I’m not saying he’s a saint, lord knows he’s an overcompensating pissant with drug issues who simply can’t get his crap together and enjoys tearing into people simply for the sake of record sales, but what are you, Kim? The only thing you’ll ever be known for is being Eminem’s ex-wife, and do you really want people remembering you as the girl who doinked his “not very well endowed” penis into celeb-semi-consciousness? I didn’t think so. As the Bible says: “Let he who is without sin crack jokes about someone else’s genitalia.” Or something like that.

Mariah Carey decided to respond to Eminem’s Bagpipes from Baghdad, where he gave Mariah a shout out and told Nick Cannon to “back the fuck up, with her latest single Obsession. She denied ever seeing him. Then Cannon blogged about how Eminem is still obsessed with Mariah.

Eminem, finding this hi-larious, went on some satellite radio show and suggested he once gave Mariah a golden shower. Then he released this song, The Warning. In it, Eminem says he still has photos and voicemails from when they were seeing each other and at one point, I’m pretty sure he rhymed about how he and some other dude tried to double stuff Mariah.

This is like Westside Story where everyone fights with song. The only difference is there might be nude pics of Mariah and the songs are a lot less gay. At least from Eminem. Mariah must be pissed. She’s probably punching her Hello Kitty dolls in the face right now.

If you had any lingering doubts as to the level of involvement Eminem had in the Bruno prank, then this interview with RapRadar via The Sun might clear things up. Eminem admits that Sacha Cohen called him while he was in Europe asking if he wanted to be part of a gag at the MTV Movie Awards. Eminem, a big fan, agreed.

They did rehearse it, but Em boasts that “we pulled this off better than we rehearsed it. It had so many people going “nuts” so to speak. Everyone was blowing me up about it. After the ceremony I went back to my hotel and laughed uncontrollably for about 3 hours. Especially after I saw it on air.”

As far as the rumor that thieves took off with $60,000 in jewelery and a laptop from his hotel room, he says that only his Nike watch was stolen.

I’ve never even heard of RapRadar so who knows if this interview is even real. They could have talked with a fake Eminem. Their site didn’t even come into existence until late last year. Plus, there’s no contact page or anything. Take this interview for what you will. I took it as truth because I believe everything I read on the internet is 100% real. Much like that guy and pro-wrestling.

The Sun claims today that Eminem was in on the tea-bagging gag with Bruno aka Sacha Baron Cohen. Scott Aukerman, one of the writers for the MTV Movie Awards, wrote on his blog: “Yes, the Bruno / Eminem incident was staged. That’s all anyone wants to talk about, so let’s get it out of the way. They rehearsed it at dress and yes, it went as far as it did on the live show then.”

Way to go Scott. He must be good at keeping secrets. If you told him the location of the president’s safe house, he could probably hold out for 5, maybe even 10 minutes before the question, “Do you want a glass of water?” breaks him down.

While there still isn’t solid evidence that the Eminem stunt was staged (there’s speculation that it was to a point), one thing that is known is that Eminem’s face was producer Mark Burnett’s second choice for Sacha Cohen to stick his bare ass in. Life&Style says Paris Hilton was initially offered the role of “enraged celebrity,” but declined after she somehow developed dignity inside of a week.

Please remember that this is the same Paris that started her career by releasing a porno of herself and dry humped her boyfriend in a club at Cannes not even a week ago. In fact had Paris gone through with the stunt, it would have slightly edged out “wearing underwear” as the least shocking thing she’d ever done.

Bruno played a little prank on Eminem at the MTV Movie Awards yesterday. I don’t think he was too thrilled about it. I don’t know why though. I’d think anybody would have been happy to have Sacha Baron Cohen’s thonged ass stuffed in their face against their will. Isn’t that the dream?

Massive amounts of Photoshop have finally made Eminem look like the living Ken Doll: White Rapper Version he’s always dreamed of being. With the marketing of the new Eminem Ken doll, no longer will only little white girls have something to look up to and play with, but so will little suburban white boys. So inspirational. And creepy.

A recent picture of Eminem from The National Enquirer was unearthed today. He’s fat. Fatty fat fat fat. Oops, sorry. Got carried away. The mag says something about him being in hiding because he’s ashamed of his body and that his weight may be to blame for his recent hospital visit.

A few years ago I was a little scared of making fun of this guy for fear he would chase me down the street with his bodyguards to beat me up. Now, I’m confident I can call him a fatass and get away with it. He’ll still have the mentality to chase me, but a few hundred feet into it, he’ll be out of breath and puking his guts out. And don’t get me started on if he runs past a Baskin Robbins. He’ll take their claim of 31 flavors as some sort of challenge.

Jesus. The National Enquirer even takes shots at him. They put a little red talking M&M next to his picture. The old Marshall Mathers would have kicked their ass. The new, hungrier Marshall Mathers wants to find that M&M and eat him.

Photo of fat Eminem [Celebitch]

Kim Mathers called into a Detroit radio show hitting Eminem where it hurts most.

“I can’t stand him. (He’s) an absolute horrible person. I vomit in my mouth whenever I’m around him or whenever I hear his name.”

Then she put on the finishing touches.

She categorized sex with her twice ex-husband as “bad,” and said “he’s not very well endowed.” She added when it came to sex, “(you better have) a little blue pill, or else it does not work.”

Looks like someone is getting another song about them. You don’t want to piss off Eminem like this. He’s the kind of guy that doesn’t take criticism well. I remember him punching some guy in a strip club bathroom once for talking to him. Not really sure how he’s going to react to the world knowing he has a small penis and suffers from ED. Plastic surgery and legally changing her name are the only options I see for Kim.

Then again, maybe this is how white trash flirt. I don’t claim to be an expert on attraction. I just come in and let my looks do the talking.

Via Idolator.

Update: That was fast. Dennis Dennehy, a rep for Eminem, tells PEOPLE: “Those reports are absolutely untrue.”

The most retarded couple ever are engaged again according to rapper and Eminem friend Akon. He describes their relationship as on and off like explosive diarrhea.

“He can’t live with her and he can’t live without her. But they are meant for each other. They are engaged again.”

Between Eminem’s song about killing Kim and Kim’s attempted suicide, I always knew these two kids would get back together. Like the old saying goes, it’s not love until you strangle a blow-up doll symbolizing your wife in front of a hometown audience of thousands. I can’t wait until they do their spread in Modern Bride Magazine.