This is the obligatory Christina Hendricks at an awards show with her amazing tatas post that everyone knew was coming. These are of her at the Emmys. She’s so ghastly white that when the flash hit her, I couldn’t distinguish her from the backdrop. If she showed up at the foot of my bed, I’d scream. And then get an erection.

Stop whatever you’re doing because you’re going to want to see this. Gwyenth Paltrow wore this midriff baring, semi-see-through ensemble to the Emmys last night. I can’t wait to hear be modest about this in her GOOP newsletter.

Charlie Sheen presented at the Emmys last night and fellated his co-stars on Two and a Half Men wishing them nothing but success. It was painfully obvious he’s hurting for work and this was his Plan B as I’m sure he was devastated to find out the world doesn’t revolve around him and that Men would continue without him.

Backstage, Sheen supposedly gave Ashton Kutcher some advice. I imagine it consisted of him telling Ashton to get treatment for his bi-polar disorder if he has one, don’t piss off your bosses because they will terminate your million dollar per episode contract and asking if he had any blow.

Alec Baldwin, to play a fictional president of television, bowed out of the opening video for the Emmys last night when Fox cut a joke he made about Rupert Murdoch’s phone-hacking scandal.

Alec tweeted, “Fox did kill my NewsCorp hacking joke. Which sucks bc I think it would have made them look better. A little.”

A source close to Baldwin said the issue wasn’t the fact they cut the line but that it was done after he taped what he thought was a “cohesive bit” and that the editing would affect the pace and flow of the skit. Consequently, Leonard Nimoy replaced Alec and re-did the skit without the joke.

Baldwin added, “If I were enmeshed in a scandal where I hacked photos of families of innocent crime victims purely 4 profit, I’d want that 2 go away, 2.”

Fox claimed the joke was cut because they take the hacking allegations very seriously and didn’t want to look like they were making light of the situation.

Probably also because widdle Rupert Murdoch went “wah wah, tell that mean man to stop making fun of me on my own network or else I’m taking my ball and going home.”

Vampire Diaries will never be nominated for an Emmy much less win one but that doesn’t prevent Nina Dobrev from sitting there and looking pretty. Which is what she did. Sure, Julianna Margulies won for Outstanding Lead Actress in a Drama for The Good Wife, but Nina’s hourglass figure is so amazing that you forget that even happened. “Julianna what?,” people asked themselves as they wiped the drool from the corner of their mouths.

Kate Gosselin made the most out of her Emmy invite by mingling with the likes of Jon Hamm and Edie Falco and other actors, directors and producers in an attempt to make connections so she can start her acting career which in turn will get her a man. God. This annoying banshee gets one invitation to the Emmys and all of a sudden she thinks she can be an actor.

“Kate has made her mind up that she’s going to be an actress and hopes her new profession will result in her finding a new man,” a Gosselin pal told the gossip website.

Having enjoyed her time as a reality star – thanks to runs on TLC’s “Jon & Kate Plus 8″ and ABC’s “Dancing with the Stars” – the single mother of eight reportedly wants to shift gears and focus on scripted TV work.

“The show she would really like to be cast in is ‘Mad Men,’” the source said in all seriousness.

That sound you hear is the laughter of a thousand execs and producers across the nation. The only show I’d watch Kate Gosselin in is “Kate Sews Her Womb Shut And Is Thrown Into A Volcano.” And it better not be on cable because there’s no way I’m going to pay extra for something that should be government sponsored.

This. Is. Spartaaaaa! Um, did Alexander McQueen design this from the grave? Because it looks like he came up with the idea after an orgy with a bunch of gladiators. All Anna Paquin needed last night with a sword and a shield and some guy sitting on a throne giving her the thumbs up or thumbs down. In this case, probably a thumbs down.

Modern Family ran this ad in Variety in the days leading up to the Emmys. It read, “If Modern Family wins the Emmy for Outstanding Comedy, Sofia Vergara will run naked down Sunset Blvd.*” The asterisk noted “cast member may change without notice.”

Well, Modern Family won for Outstanding Comedy last night and since I don’t believe in asterisks (they’re bastardized stars), looks like Sofia Vergara will have to run down Sunset naked. *Penis taps foot impatiently* I’m waaaiting.

Let’s get this out of the way. I know nothing about fashion. Jessica Alba could drape a freshly slaughtered polar bear around her body and I’d still comment on how pretty she looked. So I have no idea what made January Jones’ dress, which she picked out from Italian Vogue, at the Emmys so bad. But apparently it was and critics are blasting her for it.

But January Jones doesn’t give a damn. Or at least she pretends not to. When asked whether or not she liked the dress, Jones obviously said, “It’s fantastic,” and that it only took her two hours to get ready. “I slept until noon.” Her boyfriend, Jason Sudeikis, could only muster up, “It’s something else, isn’t it?” Maybe she’s like that chubby kid who gets made fun of for being fat. Laughs with you on the outside but cries on the inside.

Also, PEOPLE asked January about the comments Jason made during Lopez Tonight when he said, “I don’t want to get into it. I’m kidding. I do want to get into it! I do, and I have!,” when asked if he’d seen Jones naked. January said “He’s never seen me naked, nor will he after those comments.”

Ha, sucker. Looks like Jason and everyone else who isn’t part of my underground forum are the only ones who haven’t seen blurry hidden camera footage of her naked.

Christina Hendricks was at the 62nd Annual Primetime Emmy Awards and I heard each of her breasts needed their own ticket. Did those things get bigger? Is that possible? I’m surprised random objects aren’t floating around them because of their gravitational pull. Gadzooks.

As awesome as Christina’s breasts were on Sunday, however, she still looked like a goblin in a few of these photos. I was half-expecting an epic battle between her and Spider-Man to begin.

People reports that in the latest issue of InStyle, Drew Barrymore acknowledges her rocky relationship with her mother.

“I am okay with my dad, but my mom and I have yet to work it out.”

You know what else Drew has yet to work out? Her abs. I’m so tired of my opinions of her fluctuating with her weight. She’s cute, she’s fat, she’s cute, she’s fat. I’d be grateful if she could just find a happy medium to where I could make the final decision that she probably could be cute, but she’ll most likely always be fat. Drew also speaks of possibly leaving her work as an actress behind.

“Maybe I’ll just travel as a tourist and leave this whole business behind to wander,” she says. “I love my life. I really do. But there are moments I battle with it. Some days I want nothing more than a brilliant mask so I could look like someone else and go wander the streets and be free. I’m very peeved Halloween only comes once a year.”

I agree, Drew. I wish every day you could mask your face as well. Well, to be fair, only on the days where you’ve lost self control and gained those extra 30 pounds again. Get it together, Drew or become a tourist soon.

I haven’t quite figured out what award Christina Hendricks should have won. I just know that the award would be shaped similar to the Emmy award, but instead of a golden statue holding up a ball, it would be a golden statue with big tits. Engraved on the little placard would be “Christina Hendricks – Best Something Something”.

Also at the Emmys competing for my heart? Olivia Wilde. Her show House was nominated for an Emmy apparently. They lost out to Mad Men which is typical. Breaking Bad or Dexter should have won. Mad Men is great, but Breaking Bad was even better. I guess it’s not as polished as Mad Men, but whatever. When do you ever get to see a tortoise walking around with a severed head on its back and then explode? And how did my describing Olivia Wilde’s sexiness at the Emmys turn into me fellating Breaking Bad?