The Blemish » eric johnson Better than a slap to the face Wed, 22 Oct 2014 02:11:53 +0000 en-US hourly 1 Jessica Simpson’s Gestation Is Over Mon, 01 Jul 2013 22:06:31 +0000 Jessica Simpson has finally popped out that second kid she’s been carrying around for 3 years. She gave birth in LA via C-section on Sunday and named the little guy Ace Knute Johnson. Terrible, just, terrible.

“Ace Knute (pronounced Ka-nute) Johnson has arrived! Mom and baby are doing great,” her rep tells Us. “Jessica, Eric and Maxwell are thrilled to welcome the new addition to their family.”

Ka-nute. I don’t even…

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Jessica Simpson Naming Her Kid Ace Wed, 20 Feb 2013 17:45:18 +0000 If everything goes as planned, Jessica Simpson and Eric Johnson will name their kid Ace. His name will be Ace Johnson. A name straight out of Leave It to Beaver.

Sources say Jessica hasn’t revealed how she and Eric chose the name. Although I like to think it’s because the kid was conceived after a night of Ace of Spades champagne. That or they sat down and thought to themselves, “Hm, what’s the whitest name I can think of?”

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Ashlee Simpson Is the Hot One Now Fri, 28 Dec 2012 00:29:22 +0000 Because Jessica Simpson is about to balloon up to hungry hungry hippo size in a few months… again, her fiance Eric Johnson needs new eye candy. Who better than Jessica’s sister Ashlee who’s kind of hot now.

This is like one of those movies where the ugly duckling sister finally blossoms into a beautiful swan or that other one where an average girl just stands next to a really fat girl so she looks pretty by comparison.

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Jessica Simpson’s Wedding Postponed Wed, 28 Sep 2011 21:13:01 +0000 Jessica Simpson and Eric Johnson got engaged over 10 months ago. The wedding was to happen soon but now it’s been postponed indefinitely. Sources attribute this to Jessica being indecisive and unable to make a decision while others say it goes far deeper than that.

“Everything is up in the air,” a source tells Us. “She can’t figure out what kind of day she wants. Some days she wants a big wedding in Hawaii, then other days she wants something closer to home.”

But some of the 30-year-old singer’s friends fear the delay is due to more than just venue indecision. “She was so gung ho about planning their wedding, and now she’s gone dark,” says a pal. “She won’t commit to a date.” Us Magazine

I’d like to think the hold up is because she’s still trying to milk PEOPLE, OK!, Star or Us Weekly for more money. Sadly that doesn’t seem likely. Jessica Simpson is just not relevant anymore. She’ll be lucky if her wedding spread is in front of the ad for free seahorses. But the good news for the mags who still want her on the cover is she’ll take Krispy Kreme in lieu of money.

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Jessica Simpson Gets a $15,000 Bag for her Birthday Mon, 11 Jul 2011 18:24:08 +0000 Jessica Simpson turned 31 and to celebrate, her fiance Eric Johnson spared no expense, took her credit card and bought her a $15,000 Hermes Birkin Bag. That’s Jessica kissing it up top. Don’t mind the wet spot when she gets up. That just means the bag’s magical powers have taken effect. She even tweeted, “Eric made my birthday!! I have never been more surprised in my life! Jackie O who? ;)”

But what’s going to be even more surprising is the $15,000 charge Jessica sees on her credit card bill next month. Luckily, it’s the thought that counts.

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Jessica Simpson Thanks God for Eric Johnson’s Ass Mon, 24 Jan 2011 18:15:46 +0000 Because this is newsworthy, on Saturday night, Jessica Simpson tweeted, “Thank you Lord for blessing me with a Man that has the perfect Tush…laying my hands upon it with peace. :)”

Besides her random capitalization of whatever word catches her fancy, her gushing about her fiance is really inane. Does anyone else think Jessica Simpson is the female Homer Simpson. For some reason, this reminded me of when Homer ripped a gummi bear off a girl’s ass. That is to say, Eric Jonhson must have had a donut stuck in his for Jessica to tweet this.

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Jessica Simpson will have a prenup Thu, 09 Dec 2010 17:02:03 +0000 There was a report yesterday that Jessica Simpson made close to a billion dollars off her clothing line. Jessica’s net worth based on this line alone is estimated at $100 million. Add in her music and she’s worth a fortune.

Still, there were rumors that she didn’t want a prenup even though her dad strongly disagreed. However, new reports say she’s finally getting one. Her dad probably had to explain how many ice cream cones she could buy to convince her.

Exhibit A, the source points out: “There will definitely be a prenup” for the pair. “Jessica has said she wants one. Jessica and Eric have talked about it,” the source tells Us.

Indeed, there’s a lot of dough at stake: The Jessica Simpson fashion/accessories brand grossed about $750 million in retail in 2010 alone.

“[Eric] understands that there needs to be a prenup,” the insider explains. “He’s supportive of it.”

After dating for less than six months, ex-NFL pro and Yale grad Johnson popped the question to Simpson, 30, on Nov. 11.

“He really loves her,” the source continues. “He’s a low key guy. He’s not into the glitz and materialism of Hollywood at all.”

Jessica Simpson must be the luckiest person in the world. She seems nice enough but she’s an idiot bordering on retarded. Reading about her success is aggravating only because she  somehow manages to bumble through life and end up on top. Like Forrest Gump.

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Jessica Simpson’s Thanksgiving will be jiggly and weird Wed, 24 Nov 2010 20:44:30 +0000 Jessica Simpson and Eric Johnson are celebrating Thanksgiving in New York for the first time with a tofu turkey. You see, Eric is a vegan which is extremely surprising because Jessica is from Texas where everything is fried or slathered in bbq sauce and served in a ten gallon hat. Not sure if I messed up a few stereotypes there but,

“After getting out of the NFL, [Eric] went to this healer and is very healthy,” Simpson, 30, told Jimmy Fallon of her vegan husband-to-be. “For Thanksgiving we have to make a Tofurkey! It doesn’t sound right! It’s gonna be jiggly and weird.”

“Jiggly and weird.” Sort of like Jessica’s belly. Amirite? High five! Just kidding. But no, really. Isn’t tofu Jessica’s kryptonite? I heard if she even touches that or a salad, she’ll go into anaphylactic shock.

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Of course she did Mon, 22 Nov 2010 19:05:31 +0000 In news that will shock no one, Jessica partied at her house in Encino with pizza and finger foods from Loggia Italian Bistro on Thursday to celebrate her engagement to Eric Johnson. Guests included Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz. Joe made a toast. Suffice to say, Jessica “had a great time. She was so excited to share her news with her family and friends and show them the ring.”

I’m pretty sure that could have just read, “Jessica Simpson + Pizza,” and everyone would have went “Ohhh” and nodded their head.

In related news, Jessica cried for 5 minutes after Eric proposed with the ring she bought for herself.

“I had to sit on his knee; I was so shocked,” the singer. “I first said ‘Yes!'” Simpson told Harry Smith, giggling. “I didn’t even try the ring on until 5 minutes in,” she explained. “I just sat there and cried with him.”

She says she loves that Johnson went the unconventional route with her new sparkler — choosing the ruby, her birthstone, to make the ring stand out.

“I’ve already done the traditional thing,” she sniffed of her ring from first husband Nick Lachey, who’s also newly engaged to love Vanessa Minnillo. “I wanted to do something that was different.”

She says that beau Johnson “had a plan a long time ago” to propose. “He had a [sit-down] with my mom and dad about it…He was a gentleman about it.”

Now promoting a new Christmas album, she cooed that Johnson is “the best man in my life…He is just really thoughtful. Keeps me very centered. [He always] makes me feel like my feet are on the ground.'”

I like how Jessica throws out compliments given that she chose the ring herself. She might as well just stare in the mirror like I do every day winking at her reflection and saying, “Hey there, sexy!”

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Jessica Simpson paid for her own ring Tue, 16 Nov 2010 16:35:03 +0000 Did you think jobless Eric Johnson paid for Jessica Simpson’s $100,000 “ruby-and-diamond Neil Lane” engagement ring? Bwahahaha. You are too funny.

A friend of Jessica tells Popeater that there’s no way ex-NFL player Eric could have afforded it. “Yes, he made a little bit of money in the NFL and is from a wealthy family, but unless his parents helped him out, Jessica must have paid for it herself.”

Friends are worried that Jessica is being taken advantage of. “First, we find out that Jessica doesn’t want to have a prenup, and now we find out that she might have paid for her own ring. It just doesn’t feel right to me. We all want Jessica to be happy and finally find true love after all she has been through, but she doesn’t understand that in the long run if she pays for everything it will hurt her relationship with any man.”

On the other hand, another friend — coughEricJohnsoncough — wonders what the big deal is. “If she wants to treat her future husband, friends or even herself to an expensive piece of jewelry, it’s her business and no one else.”

Nick Lachey getting engaged is the best thing to ever happen to Eric Johnson. If that hadn’t had happened, Jessica wouldn’t have rushed her own engagement and Eric wouldn’t be sitting on a percentage of a $100 million fortune. He should buy Nick a car or something to thank him. Using Jessica’s money, of course.

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