Esquire named Rihanna their Sexiest Woman Alive. To celebrate, they threw dirt and seaweed on her and took pictures. Congratulations? She also did an interview.

Apparently, Rihanna likes to drink a lot.

ESQ: You drink them at the same time?
RIHANNA: One is tea and one is a shot. I usually like dark liquor — brandy or whiskey — but it’s very high in sugar-content and I have some photo shoots coming up, so I had to switch it up to vodka.
ESQ: What happens in your dressing room before a show?
RIHANNA: I eat lozenges, steam my voice, do my makeup. I Skype my vocal coach and we sit there at the makeup table and do warm-ups for about a half-hour. Then, Jen, my personal assistant slash bartender, brings me a shot that she dilutes with a little something so it’s not so harsh, like orange juice or soda water and lime.
ESQ: Why do you have the shot?
RIHANNA: I have to have it. I take it very seriously, so there is a level of anxiety, always. I overthink everything when it comes to my job. The drink calms my nerves. I sip it while I watch the opening act from my dressing room. Sometimes I go out into the audience. I put on a really big hoodie and sneak out there.

To be honest, Rihanna sounds like a lot of fun. I mean, she even gives old, straight men boners on purpose.

RIHANNA: Anything you want to know about what happens onstage?
ESQ: When you pull the guy out of the audience to do the lapdance routine, do you know who it’s going to be be?
RIHANNA: It’s never pre-planned.
ESQ: Who’s the best candidate?
RIHANNA: The way I pick the person is, whoever I feel doesn’t take themselves too seriously, or who I think would be majorly embarrassed about it. Like these old men… it’s hilarious. At first, it was just going to be girls. And then one night, I brought up a gay guy, and then I started bringing up straight guys. Then I started bringing up older straight men. Did you see the one who was getting way too comfortable?
ESQ: What city?
RIHANNA: I can’t remember the city, but I remember what the guy looked like.
ESQ: What happened?
RIHANNA: He was just getting excited.
ESQ: Like he —
RIHANNA: We have pictures. Esquire

She’s like human Viagra.

Alison Haislip is best known for her work on G4′s Attack of the Show and recently as a backstage and social networking correspondent on NBC’s The Voice. Now she’s in the current edition of Esquire’s crossover with Me In My Place which is a fantastic series in which the photog goes into a girl’s house and takes pictures of her while she walks around in her bra and panties. Like I’ve been saying for a while now, I want your job, Me In My Place photog.

Paz de la Huerta is the newest woman to be featured in Esquire Magazine’s collaboration with the Me in My Place photographer whose series seems like a clever ruse to force himself into a girl’s house under a pretense and take pictures of them half naked. Man, I’ve been doing that for years but instead of contracts, I have to sign police reports. What gives? Paz tells Esquire about her place,

“It’s my aunt’s loft. But it’s really like my home. Because I had a lot of turmoil in my upbringing, and my home wasn’t really a safe place for me,” she confided. “So that place became my safe haven. I grew this bond with her that’s really been one of the most beautiful relationships of my life — a relationship that was a salvation for me.”

I take that to mean her house was a complete mess and she didn’t have time to clean it up. In her defense, you try keeping your place tidy when you’re always stumbling back drunk at 4 a.m. in the morning and puking all around the toilet.

The bad news is Kelly Brook is pregnant. The good news is there’s a whole cache of Kelly Brook bikini pictures from before she was pregnant that magazines have slowly trickled out during her pregnancy. The latest is from Esquire who have an amazing shot of Kelly in a tiny bikini. Seriously. Her breasts take up half her body. If she had to fill out survey about her race, she’d have to check other and write in 1/2 white, 1/2 boobs.

Esquire’s “Me and My Place” concept is simple. Take pictures of your model in their own bedroom. In this case, Stacy Keibler. Although I don’t see how this is a new concept. I’ve been doing this forever. The only difference is the models here are missing that look of fear.

Anyway, the photos are accompanied by a mini interview. A few choice quotes:

- I’ve had a couple weird things sent to my house — and my parents’ house. People want me to send an index card in the mail, and they want me to kiss it with lipstick and send it back. Or, like, take a picture of my feet.
- I’ve never taken a picture of my feet. I’ve done some things, but as far as people sending index cards to my house, I don’t generally go in the other room and put lipstick on it.

Sorry. If taking pictures of your feet and sending it to me creeps you out too much, I’d be more than happy with a pair of freshly worn underwear.

- I live in white tank tops — a white tank top and underwear.
- I don’t wear anything when I go to bed. Most of the time.

Mm, it gets me all hot when you pander to your demographic.

- I’m constantly working out, trying to make sure my butt is together. The other day, I hiked with three-pound ankle weights on my legs and went for a hike.
- I have days where I feel like crap and I look at my body and I’m like, “I haven’t been able to work out as much. I can see my butt drooping a little bit.” And I’m just like, “Oh well.”

Is this the part where she proves she’s just like us? Because it worked. I too strap three-pound ankle weights and go for hikes. Many hikes. Probably daily. We have so much in common. We should get together some time. Call me.

Brooklyn Decker did a photoshoot for the February 2011 issue of Esquire and it blows Jennifer Aniston’s Allure spread out of the water even though there’s only two photos. That’s due in large part to Brooklyn wearing a see-through white shirt and showing off her fantastically ginormous boobs to promote Just Go With It. I’ll take 50! What do I do with these Just Go With Its? Are they suppositories or something?

Esquire put Emmy Rossum in her underwear and then photographed her. This promises to be the hottest thing since last time they put a good looking celebrity in their underwear and photographed them.

Update: Now with “dirty” jokes.

For 2010. As determined by Esquire.

To celebrate that honor, they told Minka Kelly to get half naked for a photo/video shoot. Turns out the easiest way to get girls to pose for you is to put cameras around her and tell her you’re from a big magazine. Duly noted, Esquire.

Minka had this to say in the interview:

On her mom: “My mom lived a fast life,” she says now. “It was all about what we could do to have fun with nothing. She — for most of my life, she was a dancer. An exotic dancer. She was a stripper. Um, so she would come home at like three, four o’clock in the morning, and sometimes she would have a really great night, and so she would wake me up in the middle of the night and we’d go to Ralphs and go grocery shopping. And that was so much fun. We’d have the whole grocery store to ourselves, and we would have a blast and buy a hundred dollars in groceries. And it was just the best day ever. The best day.”

On kicking ass: “I’m a very nice girl, but nobody pushes me around,” she would write me later in an e-mail. She was talking about a fight she got into at school once. She had befriended a girl who knew how to kickbox — who, in fact, “came from a family of kickboxers” — and Minka eventually ended up kicking another girl’s ass in one of those big fights after school where everybody shows up. Even today, when you mess with her or one of her friends, she wrote, “that’s when you’ll see a whole other side of me. That’s when you’ll see the side that grew up in Albuquerque.”

On almost getting breast implants: She got the job working as a scrub nurse after high school, when she was living back in Los Angeles. On a test shoot for a modeling agency, the makeup person approached Minka with an idea. The woman turned out to be a former Playboy Playmate, and she said she wanted to manage Minka, turn her into a Playmate of the Year. Minka was nineteen. The woman got her a job answering phones at a surgeon’s office, the idea being that Minka would work enough hours to get free breast implants. The procedure was already on the calendar when Minka decided she liked herself the way she was and called it off. The old Playmate had her fired from answering phones — but Minka, having gotten to know the scrub nurses in the office, asked about becoming one. She went to school for a year and became a surgeon’s assistant.

I almost forgot about this, but Anna Torv from the kick-ass show Fringe did a semi-topless shoot for Esquire. So if you’re a fan of almost topless blonde Australian chicks, then you’ve come to the right place my friend. Let me show you around.

Rachel Weisz’s kid is obsessed with breasts. Specifically his mom’s breasts which is actually Rachel Weisz’s breasts. Although her kid gets a little carried away by claiming she has the biggest breasts in the world. I need to have a little talking to with him. Weisz told Esquire:

“He’s really into firemen – and women’s breasts! He just talks about them all the time. It’s very sweet, he thinks that I have the biggest breasts in the world. That’s a son’s idolatry of his mother, that I’m the biggest and the best.”

Her son Henry is 3 and I don’t know if that’s normal behavior because when I was 3, I ran away and cried when I saw breasts. In fact, I still do that now. That Henry kid must be a real weirdo.

Esquire named Kate Beckinsale the Sexiest Woman Alive. I had doubts at first and was going to ask Esquire, “What about Megan Fox, Jessica Alba or me with lipstick? Didn’t you consider them?” Then I saw the video and forgot what I was going to ask. Then I started drooling and air grabbing at her breasts. Then things got real awkward because my blinds were open and my 40-year-old neighbor was changing across from me. Now I have to move. Again.

Apparently, today is get supermodels naked and photograph them day which is totally fine by me. Who am I to tell photographers how to make a living? The latest supermodel to be stripped of her clothes is Bar Refaeli who’s featured on the cover of Esquire adorned with text from Stephen King’s new story “Morality.”

It’s not a bad idea actually. You can open these pics up in front of your boss and pretend you’re reading a novel. “Boobs, what boobs? Oooooh, those boobs. I didn’t even notice,” you’d say. All the women in the office will think you’re into books too which is another big plus. Women like men who are well read. Your co-worker will ask, “You’re into Stephen King too?” and a few minutes later you two are totally doing it on top of a copy machine.

Esquire shot their June issue with Megan Fox entirely in super hd video (4096 x 2304 resolution) on a Red One Camera. That’s big news apparently because no magazine has ever done that before. It’s even bigger news because they put up the video from the shoot in which they follow Megan Fox from her bra and panties in bed to a bathing suit eating chicken. It would have been even better had they not resized the video. But it doesn’t matter. I’m still blown away. Not by the fact that they achieved this monumental feat, but by the fact that they broke into my house to film Megan Fox still napping in my bed. Geez, guys. Can we at least have a little privacy?

Check out the video here or below (I suggest you make it go full screen). This could go on for three hours and I wouldn’t even blink.

Does Megan remind anyone else of Lena Headey? That chick from The Sarah Connor Chronicles?