Usually when someone brings up Eva Longoria, I pee myself a little thinking of those pictures of her without makeup where she looks like an animal that just crawled out of a dumpster. But she looked pretty good when she went on the David Letterman Show yesterday. She’d still give you night terrors if she took off all her makeup but, much like they say about unplanned pregnancies, out of sight, out of mind.

After a year of dating, Eva Longoria and Penelop Cruz’s little brother, Eduardo, have called it quits. A source tells Us the decision was mutual and they’re staying friends. Eduardo has since returned to his home in Madrid, Spain. Meanwhile, Eva will celebrate her 37th birthday in a few weeks as a single woman. Unless my plan of making her my conjoined twin comes to fruition before then.

I’m not sure this is what Eva Longoria meant when she asked Victoria Beckham to go to the Vanity Fair party to support her.

Eva Longoria spent the 4th with her boyfriend Eduardo Cruz in Marbella, Spain. From far away she looks really, really good. Especially when she’s bent over on all fours, wearing sunglasses and the photos are slightly blurred. I like my masturbatory material suggestive and anonymous.

In news I missed last week, TMZ obtained documents in Nicollette Sheridan’s wrongful termination suit against Desperate Housewives creator Marc Cherry. Besides milking money out of Marc, she’s trying to turn the entire cast against him one by one starting with Eva Longoria.

In the declaration filed with the court, Nicollete claims, “I was present at Eva Longoria’s wedding to Tony Parker, when Mr. Cherry commented that ‘Tony must like boys, because he is marrying this — this little, small girl with no t*ts — that looks like a boy.”

Did he end that with an emphatic snapping of his fingers and a flamboyant hip thrust all without spilling a drop of his Cosmopolitan? That would be awesome if he did. I’d like to sit next to him at a wedding just so the monotony of nuptials would be broken with his running commentary. And also because I really want to get a “Mmm, hmm, girlfriend,” in there.

In related news, Eva Longoria was topless on a horse last week during a photoshoot covering her boy cleavage with her arm.

Ever since divorcing Tony Parker, Eva Longoria has looked better. Here she is shopping for her new boyfriend Eduardo Cruz in Miami on Thursday in a see-through top.

The shopping trip went splendidly. For the kid behind her, I mean. He’ll regale his classmates with this story at school on Monday before they stuff him in his locker.

Eva Longoria hit up David Letterman in half a tuxedo last night. The entire interview was just her flashing side boob and pretending her button accidentally came undone on her shirt. This was less about cooking and more about her giving me an erection. *Golf clap* Oh and you can’t forget the braying laugh either. Calm down, woman.

And what’s with her recipes anyway. When asked what she’d make if guests were to come over, she said tortilla soup and guacamole. You know. Since guac is so hard to make. Eva even gave her super secret recipe for guac which included avocados, onions, cilantro and tomatoes. My god. Restaurants like El Torito better prepare for the guacamole revolution. Eva just gave it all up.

Eva Longoria hit up Good Morning America this morning in a simple white dress and she didn’t look half bad. A stark contrast to how she looks without makeup. Looking at Eva in the morning after waking up would be as terrifying as staring into the chasm of hell that is Paris Hilton’s mangled vagina.

Four months after divorcing Tony Parker, Eva Longoria is already planning on moving in with her new boyfriend Eduardo Cruz. She was overheard talking about it during a make out session at the Chateau Marmont on March 7. Make out sessions are the perfect time to spy on someone. Longoria was overheard saying,

“Baby, it will be so great to spend every day with you. I can’t wait for you to move in!” Since Eva’s divorce was finalized on Jan. 28, the actress and Penelope Cruz’s little brother have been heating up everywhere from a yacht in Miami to a Hollywood cabaret club. “She can’t stop gushing about her man,” an insider tells Scene Queens. “Eva says she has found her true love.”

Hearing Eva Longoria say this must have given Eduardo a heart attack. This is a death sentence. Once the relationship endorphins wear off, she’s going to be nagging him every day. I’m surprised he didn’t run away shrieking when she said this.

For the hurt that Tony Parker caused by sexting Erin Barry behind Eva Longoria’s back, Eva hatched a plan to get revenge. It was a very “meh” scheme. From Radar:

When Desperate Housewives star Eva discovered the relationship and the texts her marriage blew up and she and Tony agreed to divorce. “But Eva was hurt and she wanted a little revenge,” the source revealed. “So she blindsided Tony with the divorce filing.

“They were working out the details about who was going to file and when. They didn’t want it to become a messy divorce. Then Eva got a little revenge and didn’t tell Tony she was filing and dropped the papers on him, catching him off balance for the media blitz.”

While some reports have said the texts between Tony and Erin were “innocent” that’s absolutely not true, RadarOnline.com learned. The texts were flirtatious and sexual and “crossed the line,” a source close to the situation revealed.

If Eva wanted to really uphold the crazy Latina stereotype, she would have melted Tony’s championship rings into the shape of a penis.

A source close to Tony Parker (coughTonyParkercough) tells Celebuzz that the texts he sent to Brent Barry’s wife, Erin Barry, were innocuous and that Eva is prone to jealousy. They also add that Eva conveniently waited for Parker to sign a four-year $45 million deal with the Spurs before filing for divorce and tells you to take that however you want.

According to the source, the Barrys have been close friends with Longoria and Parker for some time, even spending New Year’s Eve together a couple of years ago at Longoria’s Los Angeles restaurant, Beso. The Barrys are currently in the midst of a divorce and, our source adds, Parker and Erin’s texts involved the two leaning on each other as their respective marriages went through troubles. A seemingly innocent exchange between close friends, it would seem, but Longoria appears to be prone to jealousy in her marriage to Parker.

If I was a famous celebrity accused of cheating, I’d also pretend to be a “source” and tell people that it didn’t happen. When the reporter asks, “You sound a lot like… is this Tony Parker?,” I’ll just hang up the phone real fast. They won’t suspect a thing.

Eva Longoria’s BFF, Mario Lopez, tells Extra/his employer that Tony Parker cheated on her with at least two women. One of which was Erin Barry, his former teammate Brent Barry’s wife. The other woman came early in the marriage and Tony still keeps in touch with her on Facebook.

“Eva wants everyone to know, she’s devastated by the rumors of Tony’s infidelity. She loved her husband and is heartbroken about their split,” said good friend, Mario Lopez. “But she’s strong.”

Longoria herself tweeted, “It is with great sadness that after 7 years together, Tony and I have decided to divorce. We love each other deeply and pray for each other’s happiness.”

A famous basketball player cheated on his wife? If you could see me right now you’d see me nonchalantly picking my nose because this is the least shocking thing I’ve heard all week.

Eva Longoria filed for divorce today from her husband of three years, Tony Parker. For real this time. TMZ reported that documents were filed in Texas on Tuesday but backtracked after everyone denied it. Now PEOPLE reports that Eva filed the papers Wednesday in Los Angeles Superior Court.

The petition cites only the standard “irreconcilable differences” for the split. But this past week the couple have been rocked with infidelity rumors, with claims that Tony has been unfaithful.

Longoria is seeking spousal support from Parker. The couple have a prenuptial agreement signed the month before their wedding and updated two years later. The petition says their date of separation is still to be determined.

Make up your god damn minds!