The Westboro Baptist Church has perfected the art of real life trolling. During Whitney Houston’s funeral, a Twitter account purporting to be that of the church pastor’s daughter, Margie Phelps, taunted media outlets with low res photos of them protesting the memorial. She wrote, “Did my friends @BET see these lovelies? Such fun singing to @OccupyWallSt This picket is rocking the house! @NJ_News ”

The problem with that is Star-Ledger reporters confirmed the area had been restricted all day and no active protests ever took place. So what happened? Did the church picket the wrong funeral? No, they just photoshopped their protesters into pictures of the actual funeral. Their god is very lazy, you see. While other gods tell people to go the extra mile, the Westboro Baptist Church’s god just shrugs his shoulders and goes, “Meh, good enough.”

Lady Gaga was performing You and I at the Monster Ball tour in Houston on Sunday when she stood on her piano attempting to go into full rock star mode and summarily ate it. To her credit, she kept performing. But could anyone hear her through the laughter? I certainly hope not. This sounded terrible.

During a live streaming event at the launch of Diddy’s Dirty Money album in London MC’d by Kevin Hart, a nude model’s hair caught on fire.

She was just sitting in the tub playing with the water when her hair lit up like a candle. She put out the blaze by slapping herself in the back of the head.

Good job. Next time why don’t you try using the 10 gallons of water you’re sitting in.

Mariah Carey performed at the F1 Singapore Grand Prix yesterday and fell flat on her pregnant/fat (?) ass. Although it wasn’t a straight splat onto the floor. It looked like she glided there. Like someone should be feeding her grapes at the end of it. It was probably the most graceful fall in the history of concerts. But that’s Mariay Carey for you. Elegant in everything she does. Even eating sh-t.

After one of Mariah’s dancers got her back up on her hind legs, Mariah beckoned her assistant to come take her heels off while she continued performing. The strange thing is the assistant kept holding a bottle in her hand. Maybe Mariah beats her if she ever lets go of it.

I assume that either A) Jessica Simpson doesn’t have a stylist or B) Jessica must have majorly pissed off her stylist which resulted in them playing a big prank on her because she ended up going to Mercedes-Benz Fashion Week looking like the Milky Way. I’m not joking when I say that I can almost see Orion’s Belt.

Pro tip: If you want people to talk about your weight, do what Jessica did and dress as infinite space.

Mel Gibson’s ex, Oksana Grigorieva, is asking the judge to increase her child support for their 9-month-old from $5,000 a month to more than $40,000. This is in addition to paying for their Sherman Oaks house. By contrast, Timothy Dalton, who Oksana has a 13-year-old son with, only pays $2,500 a month in child support.

One source scoffed, “Lifestyle is not an issue for a 9-month-old. Think she knows the difference between a Ford and a Bentley?”

What the hell is she buying this kid? Gilded diapers and pureed Panda? No baby needs $40,000 a month to survive. They don’t even need $5,000 a month. Just give them a cardboard box to play with and they’ll be happy for an entire year. They say the judge hasn’t made a decision yet. Probably because he’s not done laughing.

Scott Weiland of STP was performing in Cincinnati last night when he fell off the stage yet somehow managed to keep singing. Man, that guy is amazing.

Having been arrested for disorderly conduct, Snooki has vowed to cut back on her drinking because her dad yelled at her.

“My dad was very, very pissed,” she revealed. “He’s like, ‘I didn’t raise you like this.’ I just felt really bad, so I’m definitely going to stop drinking during the daytime. And now when I go out, I only have a couple drinks.”

My eyes rolled so much that one of them went wonky like Paris Hilton’s. There’s not a chance Snooki keeps away from alcohol. Just like a fish needs water, Snooki needs to get wasted. Plus, producers aren’t going to let this happen. Jersey Shore would be the most boring thing ever if this Oompa Loompa wasn’t acting like a drunk lunatic all the time. They’d force tequila through her veins with an iv if they had to.

Now I’d like to end this post with one of the most self-aware quotes you’ll ever hear from Snooki. “I’m not a criminal. It’s just a drunken mistake.” Indeed, Snooki. Indeed. That should be the tag line of her MTV profile but change the “it’s” to an “I’m.”

At 1:35 AM this morning, Lindsay Lohan was released from jail having only served 13 days of a 90 day sentence. 90 minutes before her release, “legendary Hollywood stylist” Christophe paid Lindsay a visit. It’s unclear as to why because Lindsay was rushed to UCLA Medical for mandatory 90 day rehab out the back right under the noses of the waiting photogs outside Lynwood. No one got a good shot of her so I hope that means she wasted a lot of money on Christophe thereby putting her deeper into debt. If we can trick Lindsay into wasting even more money, maybe by telling her Vanity Fair wants to shoot her “as-is” when she gets out from rehab, then maybe we can push her closer to releasing a sex tape.

Two things I missed last Friday regarding Lindsay Lohan. First and foremost, Lindsay Lohan may be replaced by the relatively unknown Sarah Scott in the Linda Lovelace biopic Inferno she’s been bragging to everyone about. What makes this so hilarious is Lindsay blew off her alcohol education classes to fly to the Cannes Film Festival to “promote” the flick (she went there to party) but when she came back, the judge chewed her out for not completing her alcohol education classes and threw her ass in jail. Filming was supposed to begin in August but Lindsay is doing a 90 day stay in rehab after jail so they can either wait or give the job to someone else. Haha, you suck, Lindsay Lohan.

Next up is Vince, the ShamWow guy, has a movie called Underground Comedy Movie 2010 which features an appearance by Lindsay. In her cameo, Lindsay “settles the score with the media.” As you probably guessed, she dresses up as Marilyn Monroe and shoots the paparazzi in the face. Wow. I didn’t see that one coming.

You know you’ve hit rock bottom when you make an appearance in the ShamWow guy’s movie . Vince probably told the producers to “find every actor and actress in desperate need of money” and these are the names that popped into their heads. You could find more talent at a kindergarten production of Annie.

Michael Jackson’s brother, Marlon, has unveiled plans to build a slavery theme park which will also double as a tribute to the Jackson Five and a luxury resort. Marlon plans on building the five star hotel, concert halls, golf courses, casinos, Jackson Five museum and slavery memorial near a former slave port.

“The Jackson family had been looking for a place to site their memorabilia collection,” explained Gary Loster, chief executive of the Motherland Group, to the BBC. “We visited the site of the slave port in Badagry and Marlon turned to me and said: ‘Let’s put it here, this is right.’”

The development will cater to the country’s growing tourism industry, particularly African-American tourists who wish to trace their Nigerian roots. Visitors will be able to explore the site of the former transatlantic slave trade, honour the hundreds of thousands who died in what were horrific human rights abuses, and then head off for a round of golf or a massage, before gawping at animatronic versions of the siblings who sang ABC and I Want You Back.

Marlon also wants you to call him if you ever find his common sense. It done gone left him. I can’t help but feel Marlon was trying to make a point when, in a moment of clarity, he thought a slave port would be the best place to put the Jackson family memorabilia. Maybe that’s giving him too much credit. Because with that idea came the decision to build a slavery theme park.

If Marlon was half the visionary he makes himself out to be, he’d also have entertainment for the kids. Like a ship ride where they have to do the rowing while old white men in rocking chairs shout racial epithets at them and sip on mint juleps. People eat that stuff up.

I don’t think I could ever find a photo that accurately described this story. I think I came pretty close though.