In an interview with UK Glamour, Josh says he’s still surprised Fergie married “Mr. Straight White Boy.”

“To be honest, I’m sometimes surprised she picked ‘Mr Straight White Boy,’ because she’s very rock ‘n’ roll, so I’d have thought she would be with someone who is a little more … out there,” he told the January issue of UK magazine, Glamour. “Then again, maybe that’s exactly why she chose me.

“I don’t think of us as an ‘It’ couple. I don’t look to publicise our relationship, because I know what we have, and the rest of the world don’t need to know. That said, I don’t mind talking about her, because I’m proud of her and I love her.”

Welcome to Bizzaro world where Josh Duhamel currently resides. A place where Fergie is as desirable as Scarlett Johansson or Megan Fox or even that block of cheese left out in the open for a week. And if that wasn’t enough to wrap your mind around, Josh then said something that will scar my brain forever.

Duhamel has revealed that the pair relies on modern technology to keep the spark alive in their marriage.

“Well, there’s Skype … She makes sure the lighting is pretty perfect,” he explained. “You’ve heard the term, ‘Absence makes the heart grow fonder,’ right? Well, hers is ‘Absence makes the c**k grow harder.’”

That sound you hear? That’s me dry heaving into a plastic bag. I mean, what in the world could be considered perfect lighting for this? Utter darkness?

Fergie showed up at the premiere for New Year’s Eve, of which her husband Josh Duhamel is in, to show her support. She had the foresight to wrap her breasts in a cleavage-baring dress thereby distracting everyone from her armpit which almost looked like a beat-up vagina.

On another note, when Fergie blew that kiss, did the crowd scatter in fear? Because that would seem like an appropriate reaction.

Hey guys, Fergie isn’t pregnant, she just really likes tacos, okay? So stop with the constant baby bump rumors. She can’t enjoy her tacos when people keep calling her fat. Her pollo asada goes well with hot sauce, not shame.

[via Buzzfeed]

A few weeks ago Fergie showed up with Josh Duhamel at her birthday party in Las Vegas with a somewhat less busted face sparking rumors that she had a little work done on her Mr. Magoo mug. Josh claimed it was because of “new lipstick.” Aww, isn’t he adorable? And my crotch is bigger because I don’t stuff it with socks.

Over the weekend, Fergie’s face showed up again at the American Red Cross’ annual red tie party maybe confirming the rumors. At least that’s what Star would say. The mag looked around and found a plastic surgeon who bought into the rumors enough to estimate how much she spent on it. His conclusion? $30,000. Dr. Mark Schwartz told Star he believed Fergie had a brow lift, eyelid lift and filler in her cheeks.

“Fergie’s forehead looks tighter,” he said. “Her jaw line is sharper, she looks fresh-faced and years younger because her skin is so taut and smooth, and it creates a well-rested look.”

Another plastic surgeon said Fergie had Botox in her eyebrows and a chemical peel.

Granted, no matter how many times she sloughs off her face skin, she’ll still looks like the Leprechaun. Even if you put a bag over her head and drew a smiley face on it, people would still cringe while looking at her. Although I will admit she looks slightly better. Less nightmarish.

The Black Eyed Peas make mindless, safe music. There’s nothing edgy about them. All they do is relentlessly beat you over the head with their hooks until you have their songs stuck in your head. So pardon me if I’m not too broken up that the band may soon split.

Radar reports that Fergie can’t stand Will.i.Am’s ego and that she won’t perform on the second leg of their tour scheduled for early 2011. In fact, she may leave BEP good. Aiding in that decision is her desire to have a baby. “Things have gotten really bad with Will.i.Am. And it’s not just Fergie who is clashing with him. So is the rest of the band. His ego is out of control.” Continues the source, “I don’t know if she’ll admit or deny it when it leaks out, but I do know that it’s 100 percent true, she’s got everything planned out and she says she can’t be convinced to change her mind.”

I like the part where Radar implied the whole group would break up. Which part was your favorite?

A plastic surgeon said Fergie’s body was the most requested by his patients. Gisele Bundchen and Olivia Wilde were the next two. Clearly this guy is insane. There’s no way I’d want Fergie’s body if I was a chick. I’d rather have my head transplanted onto a bear. Is he sure they didn’t mean Bar Refaeli? Maybe they just couldn’t pronounce her name? [Fox 411]

God knows why, but Timothy Olyphant’s secret twin Josh Duhamel gave his wife Fergie a surprise vow renewal after only a year of marriage and rumors of infidelity. It was just the two of them and a minister on a bluff overlooking the ocean in Santa Barbara. Good idea to not have a lot of witnesses. Although it looks like the plan failed because the bottom of the ocean remains Fergie-less.

The pair flew by private helicopter into the Santa Barbara Airport Wednesday, January 6 at just before 4 pm. They were met by a limo from the Bacara Resort which swept them to the lavish hotel 20 minutes away.

“They were both dressed nicely and walked right out to the bluff outside the hotel where weddings often take place,” an eyewitness told RadarOnline.com. “A minister was waiting for them.

“Fergie was crying and seemed very emotional,” the source said, adding that their private ceremony lasted less than 15 minutes.

Fergie must be really good in bed and her nipples must taste like cocaine because there’s no way I’d renew vows with that thing. I’d sooner run off that cliff and pray for jagged rocks before I’d ever say “I do”.

The Black Eyed Peas were inexplicably asked to perform at the Victoria’s Secret Fashion show. I’m at a loss to explain why they chose a band with Fergie in it. Maybe it’s like how average girls have fat and ugly friends to make them look pretty by comparison. In this case, Fergie is the ugly friend used to make the Victoria’s Secret models look… is there anything above supermodel? If there is, they would look like that.

This *points upward* wants us to know about her sex life. Get out the doggie bags, it’s gonna be a rough ride. The Advocate interviewed Fergie and they pretended to be interested in her art and music, before hitting her with the gay questions. Because they’re a gay magazine. By gay, I mean gay gay. To which, we get:

I think women are beautiful, I’ve had a lot of fun with women, and I’m not ashamed of it. The problem is that I also love a well-endowed man. But just because I enjoy women doesn’t mean I’m allowed to have affairs in my relationship. I learned through talking with my therapist that it is still cheating even if it’s with girls, so there is a rule there.

So, Fergie loves a little swordplay. Because she’s a man you see. A man who likes well-endowed men. What’s more interesting “comes out” next in the article:

I’m guessing you made your first gay friend on Kids Incorporated.

Oh, there were plenty on that show. But I don’t want to out anyone, just in case.

Interesting aside, did you know Mario Lopez was on Kids Incorporated?

Josh Duhamel and his husband, Fergie, spent the weekend apart as a stripper’s allegations of sex and threats of lie detector tests plague their marriage. While Fergie spent Saturday night performing in Berlin, Josh spent the night at an unspecified woman’s apartment. I made that last part up. Josh was by a pool in Atlanta reading a script. I know what you’re thinking, my lie was way better. I won’t be upset if you run with it from hereon out.

Their temporary separation was only due to work obligations and Us Weekly reports Fergie will stay with her cheating husband.

“Fergie is standing by her man, despite claims by Atlanta exotic dancer Nicole Forrester, 34, that she had a one-night stand with the actor. Her lawyer tells Us Weekly that Forrester has passed a lie-detector test and is in possession of racy texts from the Transformers star that corroborate the affair.”

Generally women need proof of their husband’s betrayal before leaving them. Fergie doesn’t fall under this category because she’s not a woman.

This is what it looks like when death comes knocking at your door.

Reps for Josh Duhamel and Fergie Ferg are calling the allegations of Duhamel having a one night stand with a stripper as “ridiculous” and “nonsense”. PEOPLE reports Nicole Forrester, a stripper at Atlanta’s Tattletale Club, went on Atlanta’s radio station Q100′s “Bert Show” and revealed the following,

“We did hook up and had lots of sex and we had a really, really good time.”

Forrester claims she has text messages and a passed polygraph test that will prove she is telling the truth. Because without evidence, who would believe a stripper from Tattletales? Due to her piss poor morals, Forrester only has one regret out of being a whore stripper that doesn’t mind ruining marriages, and that is that her children now know she is a whore stripper that doesn’t mind ruining marriages.

“My son’s like: Mom are you doing anything different now? He doesn’t want me to do this anymore. He doesn’t want me to dance and I feel like I can’t dance. I feel like people are just looking at me. It’s just bad. It’s just an uncomfortable situation with my children and all their friends know.”

To be fair, Josh and Fergie’s marriage was doomed from the start. Fergie pees on herself before Josh ever gets the chance to and it takes away the thrill.

[Good Morning America, June 2009. Image via Splash News]

Fergie and her husband Josh Duhamel hit up a Dodger’s game yesterday and, oh my god, I fucking knew it. Fergie has a penis.