I don’t know what the fascination with KISS is. I can’t stand them. They’re basically gimmicky rock. It’s like what you get when the WWE does a Making the Band. I especially can’t stand Gene Simmons. That dude is creepy. Mainly due to his voice.

Anyhoo, Gene Simmons and Shannon Tweed recently got engaged. Here’s Gene showing off the ring. No, wait. Here’s Gene showing off his bare ass when the paps asked to see the ring. Good lord. I haven’t seen that much lumpy white flesh since the Wynn buffet in Vegas.

I didn’t put up a picture of his face to prove this is him because, trust me, it doesn’t get any better.

Get ready to hate life because 58-year-old Gene Simmons, bassist for KISS, star of Gene Simmons’ Family Jewels on A&E and fired Celebrity Apprentice has a sex tape. A website named GenesSecret.com (link NSFW) went live Tuesday featuring a sex tape of Gene and an Australian girl named Elsa. The website is an off-shore site operated in Panama whose owner has not been identified. Elsa is a spokesmodel for Frank’s Energy Drink, a Gene Simmons endorsed beverage, but Elsa is not Gene’s long time live-in girlfriend Shannon Tweed.

I wonder. Do you think when Gene’s slamming this blonde chick, ripples traverse across his skin like a shock wave from an atomic bomb? Do you think this may cause him a heart attack? Will it be sunny tomorrow? These are the questions I must ask myself in order to distract from the fact Gene Simmons is having sex on my computer screen.

Thanks to the commenter who let us know Valley Wag has a preview.

Everyone has probably seen that post-op Gene Simmons face lift photo already. Now there’s video of the actual surgery. I know some of you crazies might want to see this. It’s apparently from the second season of his reality show on A&E (Gene Simmons has a reality show?). Video might be NSFW and it is graphic. If I was his doctor, I probably couldn’t stop myself from playing with his face flap. Alright, I’m not gonna lie. I’m really turned on right now.