When you’re Gerard Butler, banging Hollywood starlets gets pretty boring. Sometimes you need to have sex with a normal person in a Porta-Potty at Coachella to put things, like how awesome your life is, in perspective.

The Scottish heartthrob has remained sober at every festival soiree, but still can’t seem to control his love for the ladies. At the A/X Armani Exchange and T-Mobile Neon Carnival on Saturday, Butler made no secret of his latest target. Instead of hiding among the throngs of partygoers on the packed dance floor, Butler led his mystery brunette out into the open air for a seductive slow dance in an empty patch of pavement. “The two were grinding like they were at a middle school dance,” says our spy. “He didn’t seem to care who was watching.” After their spin, our spy watched Butler accompany his dance partner to the Porta-Potties before they returned to the carnival-themed bash. Page Six

First of all, things must have changed since I’ve been in school because there was no grinding on each other during middle school dances. It was more like boys stood on one side while girls stood on the other, each gender deciding who’d be brave enough to ask the other for an awkward slow dance.

Second of all, I hope they lit a candle while they were in there doing it in there. Not for ambiance, but to burn off any lingering farts.

Before Gerard Butler did a three week stint in rehab that no one knew about until he got out, he was dating a wanna-be actress/model who was a newlywed at the time.

Last year, Butler had an affair with her for several months. He was even friends with her and her husband before sleeping with her. The woman thought it was more than what it was and eventually filed for divorce because she thought Gerard wanted a relationship. Gerard probably said, “Huzzahwha?,” and told her he’s banging other girls so obviously a relationship wouldn’t work. Unless by “relationship” she means one of the girls he has sex with on the side.

“It was a very intense relationship. She had very strong feelings for Gerard, despite the fact that she was a newlywed at the time,” a source close to the situation tells RadarOnline.com. “They would exchange heated text messages, emails and phone calls. She would drop anything to be with Gerard. The two would hook-up at his hotel when he was in Los Angeles.”

“She told her husband she would end things with Gerard and he agreed to give her another chance,” the insider says. “However, the affair continued and she decided to file for divorce. She thought Gerard wanted to be in a relationship with her but then she found out he was involved with other girls, and hadn’t been exactly honest with her about what was going on in his life.”

According to our sources, “[The woman] began calling Gerard incessantly and he changed his cell phone number. She hasn’t been in touch with him since he decided to go to rehab. Gerard has obviously moved on but she is now going through a divorce and trying to support her son (from a previous relationship).” Radar Online

I wonder what made her think he wanted a relationship. Was it the fact that every other day there were stories about him sticking his penis in a different girl or was it the fact he was sleeping with a married woman which made her automatically unavailable?

In related news, this woman is a serial star f*cker. She just hops on the next best thing to come along. Literally. Radar says Gerard isn’t the first celebrity she’s cheated with. When she was married the first time, she had an affair with Dave Navarro which led to him divorcing Carmen Electra.

So if you plan on marrying this woman, don’t. Or at the very least move far away from Hollywood where the only celebrity is the taxidermist who runs commercials at 3 am in the morning. Although, knowing her, she’d sleep with him too thinking it was internet superstar Chuck Testa.

Gerard Butler got out of rehab right in time to hit up all the Oscar parties. Here he is at Vanity Fair’s Oscar party. His face looks like that because he heard someone whisper “cocaine.”

Gerard Butler has plowed through most of Hollywood, so you’d think he checked into rehab for sex addiction, but no, Butler actually checked in to the Betty Ford Center for substance abuse.

TMZ says Butler’s problems started due to the physical demands of shooting 300 in 2006 which caused him to struggle with pain management. The problem worsened while filming Of Men and Mavericks when Butler was injured in December during a surfing accident.

Butler saw he was relying too much on Rx meds, and he also developed a bit of a coke problem, so he went into rehab three weeks ago. Sources say he’ll be leaving Betty Ford later this Friday.

Ah, it all makes sense now. No wonder whenever Gerard was near any powdery white substance, he screamed, “GIVE IT! GIVE IT TO ME!,” and started loudly snorting the air. The baking isle at Vons had never been so terrifying.

During an interview with Andy Cohen, Brandi Glanville admitted to a week-long hook-up with Gerard Butler and rated him an 11 out of 10 in the sack.

TMZ caught up with Gerard the other day and asked him for tips but the only tip they got was “Who’s Brandi Glanville?”

Either Gerard is acting coy, he has no idea what blonde chick he banged for a week or Brandi Glanville is lying. The fourth possibility is someone pretended to be Gerard and tricked her into having sex. *Scoots Gerard Butler skin mask under bed*

Video under the cut.

Interviewed by Andy Cohen for Watch What Happens Live, Brandi Glanville admitted to a week of fun (copious amounts of sex?) with Gerard Butler this past summer. On a scale of 1 – 10, Brandi rated the hook-up an 11. Not to be pedantic, but 11 wasn’t one of the options. *Turns up nose*

“I have three questions,” host Andy Cohen explained on his show,” Watch What Happens Live. “You may ‘Plead the Fifth’ on just one question.”

1.) “If you could have ten minutes alone in a room with LeAnn Rimes and suffer no repercussions, what would you do or say to her?”

“Plead the Fifth,” Brandi said.

2.) “When was the last time you watched porn?”

“I don’t watch porn,” she said. “A year ago. Maybe. Randomly.”

3.) “Who is the most famous person, besides Eddie Cibrian, that you have hooked up with?”

“I can’t Plead the Fifth,” Brandi said with a laugh. “Uh, Gerard Butler.”

Andy couldn’t control his excitement and had to keep asking Brandi more questions about her Hollywood hook up.

“Was that more than once? Was it a relationship?”

“No, no, no. It wasn’t a one nighter, it was like a little week of fun.”

Brandi explained the hook-up happened in the last year over the summer. So, on a scale from 1 to 10 how fun was it?

“Eleven,” Brandi said with a big smile. OK! Magazine

In other news, Butler has already screwed his way through most Hollywood and has now settled on working through just LA in general.

Gerard Butler told Graham Norton that he wore a kilt to his sister’s wedding in Paisley, Scotland and had to do a reading with his mother and family in the front row. As with tradition, he wasn’t wearing underwear. You pretty much know where this is headed. *Points to crotch*

“As you know in Scotland there’s a certain rule to wear a kilt so I’m sitting like this (legs open) and everyone’s leaning forward and my mom’s looking at me and she’s doing this (puts hands together) and I think she’s telling me to pray… and then I realize everyone is staring right (at my crotch). So I (cross my legs)… It’s always a disaster.”

Naturally, the other men at the wedding started whispering to each other about how big of a whore Gerard Butler was. One of them even fake coughed while grunting “slut!” The Scottish are so catty.

Gerard Butler, an inexperienced surfer, was filming scenes for his movie Of Men and Mavericks at the famed San Francisco surf spot Mavericks over the weekend when he was hit by a series of huge waves. He was in the water with pro surfers Greg Long, Zach Wormhoudt and Peter Mel.

The crew was steering clear of some 15-foot waves when a much larger set broke in front of them. Gerard was held underwater for two waves and washed through rocks. An onlooker said Gerard “had that 100-yard-stare that surfers get after a near-death experience.”

Way to put an amateur surfer into one of the most dangerous surf spots in the country. Let me guess, for his next movie, Gerard will play Bear Grylls and they’ll just drop him in the middle of the Amazon jungle with a shoot of bamboo and a canteen. Though they’ll be nice enough to pre-fill the canteen with pee.

Gerard Butler had enough of the paparazzi yesterday at Silvano Restaurant in NYC and finally took a stand. He whipped out his cellphone the size of an M&M, made a pissy face and started taking pictures. Of THEM. Haha, how does it feel to have pictures snapped of you with a tiny cellphone that takes sh**ty pictures?! Your faces will be so grainy and undefined! This is your comeuppance! You hear me? Your COMEUPPANCE!

Gerard Butler and Brandi Glanville have been hooking up on the down low for a while now.  “She’s messed around with him since leaving Eddie,” says a source.

As of now she’s delegated to being just a friend with benefits. Naturally. This girl has way too many issues to bring home to mom. Unless you want her snorting the Thanksgiving turkey after accidentally spilling her stash in there.

Gerard Butler isn’t done running through Hollywood. He’s gone through Jennifer Aniston, Jessica Biel and Naomi Campbell. Now he’s moving down the alphabet to D-listers. Recently, Gerard was spotted sticking his tongue down the throat of Eddie Cibrian’s ex and Real Housewife of Beverly Hills, Brandi Glanville, at a private beach party.

“They were at a private beach party — drinks were flowing, and one thing led to another,” an eyewitness tells Life & Style. “Next thing you know, they’re dancing together to some music, hands started getting frisky and it was a full-on make-out! Everyone saw it. One girl tried to snap a photo of it on her phone, but Gerard politely asked for privacy.” — Life & Style

Gerard Butler’s little black book probably looks like the White Pages. He’s been in more women than a gynecologist.

Gerard Butler can get any woman he wants. So that’s what he’s doing. Next up is apparently Jessica Biel. Us says Gerard gave Jessica a ride on his hog. I thought that was a euphemism for penis at first but Us killed the mood by clarifying it was his motorcycle. *Pulls pants back up*

Anyway, Jessica was seen on the back of his motorcycle riding up the Pacific Coast highway. “Biel kept her arms tight around her pal as they drove along the coast, winding up in Topanga Canyon.”

The two became friends while filming Playing the Field in Shreveport, Louisiana in March. Since Jessica Biel recently broke up with Justin Timberlake, she’s probably looking to rebound. But a rep for Butler insists, “They’re just friends!” But are they… “Friends With Benefits” coming out July 22? *Looks at ad rep, ad rep nods, gun is lowered from head*

Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake just split up recently so it’s the perfect time for Gerard Butler to hit that. And he possibly has. The two are costarring in Playing the Field and have been spending a lot of time together.

According to US Weekly, they’ve spent not one, but four nights out together in Shreveport, Louisiana where they are currently filming.

Apparently Gerard made a beeline for Biel on March 15 when they were out for a crewmembers birthday party at Tokyo Japanese Restaurant & Bar, where the two certainly were batting eyelashes at one another.

Two nights later the pretty duo did margaritas at Superior’s Steakhouse, went out on March 19 to Stray Cat, and finished the weekend off with a group at a bar called Blind Tiger.

Don’t worry though, fake boyfriend of Jessica Biel. It’s nothing serious.

“Gerard says he wants to settle down eventually, but he won’t anytime soon, promise,” a friend close to the notorious bachelor tells us sassing, “and not with Jessica.”

Wow. Really? Sassing? Okay. I guess it’s easier than writing, “and not with Jessica,” said the friend snapping their fingers three times in the air in the shape of a Z and then doing a flamboyant head roll.

Granted, I don’t see why Gerard wouldn’t want to settle down with Jessica. She’s a fine thoroughbred. Look at those traps. I hear she can pull a plow for days.