Here’s everyone else at the 69th Annual Golden Globes from the despised Madonna to Kate Beckinsale and George Clooney and even Ben Kingsley’s hot piece, his fourth wife, who mounted him and who he made out with all night with.

No one tell Salma Hayek the Golden Globes isn’t actually an awards show for best tits in Hollywood because I really want to see how much more cleavage she shows off next year.

The 69th Annual Golden Globes Awards took place last night where celebrities sat around at tables while their peers gave them verbal handjobs. And for those people that didn’t win anything like Jessica Alba, at least she could revel in the fact that she’s had two kids and still looks hotter than 90% of the actresses last night.

This is for those who actually believed they’d ban Ricky Gervais from hosting the Gloden Globes because he made fun of a bunch of porcelain skinned actors. That’s not how Hollywood works. The ultimate deciding factor was and always will be ratings. And ratings were up again for the Golden Globes this year.

That’s why the organizers asked Ricky to host the Globes for the third time in 2012. Gervais isn’t sure if he wants to though. Not because he fears retribution but because “I don’t know what I could do better. I certainly couldn’t get more press for them, that’s for sure. You know me. Two seasons is enough.”

Well, I don’t know about that. I’m sure if he sits down and takes time to think about it he can come up with something. Maybe instead of backhanded compliments, he can literally backhand every presenter in the balls or breast before they take the stage.

Update: Philip Berk, head of the HFPA, said no one asked Ricky back. Berk said in a statement, “There is no truth to this rumor. We have not asked him to come back. Nice try, Ricky.”

A spokesperson for Gervais responded, “Ricky is horrified that people think that he had said the HFPA had requested him back. He never said this. He said that the show’s organisers, in this case — NBC, called him and said he should not rule out a return for a third time. Ricky at no point mentioned this was the HFPA and called Philip Berk earlier today to explain this to him.”

Paz de la Huerta (Boardwalk Empire) had a good time after the Golden Globes on Sunday. Such a good time that she ended up stumbling drunk to the GG afterparty at the Chateau Marmont where she attempted to gain entry. Much like your girlfriend’s butt, they weren’t interested in what she was selling and shooed her away because she was too wasted.

The video shows how trashed she was before she tried getting in. Her friend had to prop her up to help her walk away but a few steps into it, she collapsed to the ground bringing her friend with her. She stood up with a ripped dress and flashed some nipple.

The funniest part of the video was when she tried to sign an autograph and ended up drawing a circle in the air while her eyes were half closed.

Paz insisted she was fine when they were trying to get her woozy ass into a cab. I’m pretty sure if they had just let her walk away, she’d go into the bushes confusing it for the Marmont and start shaking a tree branch thinking it was Steven Spielberg’s hand.

Fun fact: Paz says “hi” by puking over your pants. It’s a cultural thing.

You would know it by looking at her cushiony ass, but Jennifer Lopez has thin skin. She’ll take anything personally. You could ask her how it’s going and she’d think you were calling her fat.

Anyway, Jennifer admitted she was scared about what Ricky Gervais would say when he introduced her at the Golden Globes last Sunday. Like any diva with self-esteem issues, she confronted Ricky backstage and bullied him into not telling his original joke.

Speaking on The Ellen DeGeneres Show, Lopez said: “I was sitting in the audience and was thinking, ‘Oh my God, what’s he gonna say about me?’

“So I went backstage and I got him, right before we were about to go out. I can’t say everything I said – because you’d have to bleep me – but I told him, ‘Listen, I’m from the Bronx, I fight, my husband fights – we’ll beat you up after the show. I mean it!’

“He was like, ‘No, it’s not that bad. I promise you’ll like it – it’s funny!’ But I scared him.”

The only fight Jennifer has is a mental one where she struggles between a chocolate donut and a jelly donut. All you’d have to do is make her chase you 10 feet before she clutches her chest and collapses to the ground. Meanwhile, blowing into Marc Anthony’s general direction will make him fly away like a feather. That guy couldn’t punch his way through a paper bag.

Ricky Gervais won’t be returning as a host of the Golden Globes. Not because he was banned for insulting a bunch of celebs and HFPA president Philip Berk but because he says two times is plenty. Speaking to TMZ in a short video interview, Gervais said, “I’m not doing it again. I think twice is enough.”

Is this one of the those, you can’t dump me because I’m dumping you type of deals? If so, ha ha, in your face HFPA. Who you going to get to host now? Jimmy Fallon? Hahaha.

No, wait. Don’t call my bluff. Please don’t ask Jimmy Fallon.

Yesterday, a member of the HFPA told Popeater that Ricky wouldn’t be invited to future Golden Globes. But if the Hollywood Foreign Press Association is pissed off at Ricky Gervais for insulting most of the attendees at the Golden Globes and then making fun of the HFPA president, then they sure have a funny way of showing it.

A statement issued by the Hollywood Foreign Press made it sound like they loved the show and the publicity that followed and would invite Ricky back in a heartbeat. They may even sweeten the deal with a handjob.

“We loved the show. It was a lot of fun and obviously has a lot of people talking. When you hire a comedian like Ricky Gervais, one expects in your face, sometimes outrageous material. Certainly, in this case, he pushed the envelope and occasionally went too far. The HFPA would never condone some of his personal remarks. Overall, however, the show was among the best we’ve ever had and we were pleased.”

HFPA president Philip Berk chalked it up to Ricky being Ricky. “He definitely crossed the line. And some of the things were totally unacceptable. But that’s Ricky.” Berk also claimed to not know what Ricky was going to say. “I had absolutely no idea what Ricky was going to say so anything I heard was heard was the same time you heard it,” Berk said. “When you hire Ricky Gervais, you expect the unexpected.” Mm hmm. *Rolls eyes* If you re-watch the show, some of it even sound scripted like when Bruce Willis stumbled on his comeback.

Ricky Gervais even wrote on his site that he only made fun of the stars that he knew could take it.

Thanks to the twitterverse, the blogosphere, all the journos and the coolest stars for coming to my rescue.

It was heartwarming to realise I wasn’t losing my mind. Some reactions nearly had me believing I’d gone too far too. Nearly.

Can’t wait for the people who thought it was over the top to see my stand-up shows. Fuck me, they will shit themselves.

Oh, and fans, take this opportunity to tell the world about Karl Pilkington. Tweet about that fucking head now!

All new Ricky Gervais Show this Friday on HBO and An Idiot Abroad on Science Channel 22nd Jan.

A genuine thanks by the way for all your support.

Cheers.

And…

Obviously the rumour that the organizers stopped me going out on stage for an hour is rubbish. I did every link I was scheduled to do. The reason why the gaps were uneven is because when I got the rundown I was allowed to choose who I presented to. I obviously chose the spots that I had the best gags for. They couldn’t move around the order but I could move around however I wanted.

All the same conspiracy theories as last year too… “So and so was offended”… “hasn’t been invited back yet”… exactly the same as last time. “Paul McCartney was furious”… no he wasn’t. And nor was Tim Allen and Tom Hanks. I was drinking with them after.

Yea, so the biggest joke of all was letting overly sensitive reporters believe celebrities were offended and then feeding them stories to fan the flames. I swear, you could tap some of these writers on the arm and they’d cry to mommy.

For your consideration: Natalie Portman’s stifled cry-laugh at the Golden Globes last night. [via TDW]

Ricky Gervais didn’t hold back against Angelina Jolie, Charlie Sheen, Mel Gibson, John Travolta, Tom Cruise, Hugh Hefner and others last night at the Golden Globe Awards. You’d think that would be why he won’t be invited back next year but, surprisingly, that’s only partially the case. What got him in the most trouble was when he made fun of Philip Berk, head of the Hollywood Foreign Press Association. Apparently calling out the guy who threw the event is crossing the line. A member of the HFPA told Popeater,

“Ricky will not be invited back to host the show next year, for sure,” a member of the HFPA tells me, adding that Gervais’ relentlessly mean shtick could have even larger consequences. “For sure any movie he makes he can forget about getting nominated. He humiliated the organization last night and went too far with several celebrities whose representatives have already called to complain.”

Uh oh. Ricky’s movies won’t be nominated for the prestigious Golden Globes and a bunch of reps are already boo-hooing.

At least Ricky didn’t end it on a good note. Instead, choosing to go out in a blaze of glory joking, “Thank God for making me an atheist.”

“Ricky blew it big time. It’s one thing to make fun of celebrities but it’s another to make them totally uncomfortable,” an insider tells me. “People in that room were furious but had to sit and smile because the camera’s were on them. It really says something when several people who attended said they would have felt safer with Kathy Griffin hosting.”

Okay, I can see it from the celebrities’ points of view. No one wants to sit through two hours of a tubby British guy making fun of them. That’s like cutting down your self-esteem with a machine gun and then blasting the carcass with a cruise missile.  But, come on. They’re jokes with a hint of truth. Can no one handle criticism? I’m sure butt hurt celebs will find comfort in their multi-million dollar mansions as they cry into their $500 pillow cases. If I’m a celebrity and the worse thing that happens to me is some guy tells funny jokes at my expense for one self-indulgent night of the year, then I’d feel I’d have a pretty damn good life.

May I present to you the rest of the celebrities who attended the 68th Annual Golden Globes. My favorite is James Franco who looks high and confused like he stumbled here by accident on his way to a James Bond theme party.

Ricky Gervais opened up the Golden Globes by insulting most of the celebrities in Hollywood. Suffice to say, it was hilarious and fantastic. By the end of his monologue, I was ready to implant a womb inside me just so I could have his babies.

About half of Hollywood and a bunch of humorless ass kissers, however, were not amused. They think he went too far.

Ricky started off the night with a jab at Charlie Sheen. “It’s [The 68th Annual Golden Globes] going to be a night of partying and heavy drinking. Or as Charlie Sheen calls it, breakfast.” Fair enough. Charlie Sheen accepts the fact that he likes hookers and blow.

He then went on to point out something everyone has been wondering about. Why The Tourist was nominated. “Seems like everything this year was three dimensional. Except for the characters in the Tourist.” *Cut to Johnny Depp nervously chewing on his gum.* Oh no! Not beloved Johnny Depp!

Ricky also took a shot at the two big gay Scientologists and the old hags from Sex and the City.

Roberty Downey Jr., Tom Hanks and Tim Allen all criticized Gervais on stage. Said Hanks, “We recall when Ricky Gervais was a slightly chubby but very kind comedian,” to which Allen added: “Neither of which he is now.”

Granted, there are celebs who have a sense of humor. Christian Bale, for example. “Thank God for comedians,” he said, adding that he had no problems with Gervais’ zingers: “I’m hoping he’s going to keep going further.”

Then Al Pacino who said, “He’s a comic, so he’s going to go for it. He’s letting it go. The only thing he can really get to is his own wit. He has to censor himself. I’m sure he’s planned some of it – [the jokes] really fly. You don’t know what [he's] going to say!”

Hollywood is a bunch of thin-skinned babies. If it was up to the majority of them, the Golden Globes would be nothing but them sitting around jerking each other off. The whole thing would be like a 19th century Victorian ball.

Backstage at the Golden Globes on Sunday night, Anne Hathaway went up to Glee co-creator Ryan Murphy on her way to the bathroom and pitched an episode she thought of for the show guest starring herself.

“She wants to play Chris Colfer’s lesbian aunt. She presented the whole episode. She came up with the songs,” said Ryan. He added, “I love her and would definitely be interested.”

And just like that, it’s confirmed. Anne Hathaway will make a guest appearance on Glee. Because when Anne Hathaway pitches a show to you, you just don’t say no.