Through the magic of my time machine, I present to you Kate Hudson, circa 2050. *sniff sniff*. Does someone smell Tiger Balm? Yes, definitely. It’s Tiger Balm with a hint of Bengay. If you scratch your monitor right now, I”m sure you can smell Grandma’s medicine cabinet.

Now, some might say this is really Goldie Hawn circa 2007. And that I don’t really have a time machine. To those people I say, why must you hate on my invention? What, you don’t think I can build a time machine? Because I’m too stupid? Too lazy?? You never believed in me! You never loved me!! You always loved new mommy more. I wish old mommy was here now. I hate you Daddy! I hate you hate you hate you!

…And release…

Anyway, I hope to time travel to summer 2008, so that we can see more of Kate at the beach. – Captain Swarthy

One of the reasons Hollywood is such a disturbing place to live in is the old people. Specifically old actresses who think they “still got it.” A perfect example is Goldie Hawn going out to lunch in Brentwood without a bra. Unlike everywhere else, 60-year-olds think people want to see their erect nipples. They don’t. It’s kind of like why I don’t go commando in sweats. Women would probably ask, “Is that an erection?” “No sweetie, that’s just how it hangs.”