Since I’m prone to sensationalism, I’d like to report that Madonna keeps Guy Ritchie’s foreskin on the mantle of her fireplace! Maybe. Before you gasp in shock, close this page and vow never to return, let me explain.

NY Mag has a piece about Madonna and her involvement with Kabbalah. One of the interesting facts is she had everyone circumcised.

You can see why such a philosophy might appeal to Madonna, with her bondage outfits and bayonetlike brassieres. Madonna became close with the Bergs, and they with her; Karen has even noted that Madonna “keeps a kosher home, she observes Shabbat, she circumcised her son and had her [ex-] husband circumcised.” (Yes, you read the last part correctly.)

This is rather telling. Everyone assumes Guy left Madonna because she was an overbearing bitch. And this pretty much shows it. This was probably the closest Madonna could get without actually taking his balls.

Speaking to Esquire, Guy Ritchie revealed that he still loves Madonna even though she’s retarded. He forgot to mention overbearing, bitchy and sinewy.

“She’s a manifester, if there ever was one,” he says. “First-rate manifester. Madonna makes things happen. Put Madonna up against any twenty-three-year-old, she’ll outwork them, outdance them, outperform them. The woman is broad.”

“Broad,” I say, repeating the word of the day.

“And, of course, here you go: I still love her,” he says. He takes a breath, drives through a red light. If no one is ahead of him, Guy Ritchie does not typically stop. “But she’s retarded, too.”

It’s rocky getting a divorce, innit? I say.

“You can’t tell someone when they’re getting divorced that their pain is an illusion,” he says. “I’m fucking telling you, I feel it, I’ve been through that. You have, too. No one can say you don’t feel that.” He drives on, talking more. “That’s the illusion of the illusion. The biggest fundamental is, you need a little ignorance.”

For those interested, Guy trains brazilian jiujitsu with Roger Gracie, one of the premiere grapplers. Which is interesting because it didn’t keep him from being submitted in his relationship. I can just imagine what Madonna did to him in the bedroom. Have you ever seen a grown man cry while being penetrated by Madonna? Ritchie has. She forced him to watch himself in the mirror.

An oil painting of Madonna and Guy Ritchie by Peter Howson is set to be auctioned off by McTear’s. The painting was done in 2005 and is expected to fetch between $24,000 to $35,000 proving that people are idiots. Who would want this?

Guy looks more like Patrick Ewing than Guy Ritchie, but Madonna looks like a man-whore with face paint and a deformed body so at least half of it is realistic.

How would you like to have this hanging in your house? It’d be like living in Tim Burton’s dream home.

Click through for the uncensored version. IF YOU DARE!

Marking an end to their marriage, Madonna has paid Guy Ritchie up to $92 million in their divorce settlement. The judge had to pry the check from the Cryptkeeper’s cold, dead hands and then had to tell Guy to stop jumping up and down on the table like a monkey.

The sum mainly consists of Guy and Madonna’s English country estate, Ashcombe, valued at around $30 million. Madonna’s lying publicist, Liz Rosenberg, says custody of the children has not been finalized. However, rumors are circulating that the ice queen is attempting to buy enough time to be able to harvest her kids’ souls. Their delicious, youthful souls.

A judge today gave Madonna and Guy Ritchie’s divorce his seal of approval. The Daily Mail reports that Guy may have taken only $4 million of Madonna’s money which was used to throw a celebratory dinner with his kids. He was entitled to half of Madonna’s fortune, but because Guy wanted to expedite the divorce, he elected to not take as much. Reports also say that he took the their estate and their pub estimated at $5 million.

‘All is not quite what it seems. The deal is 50/50 in terms of child access.

‘On paper anyway, Guy will not take any money. However all the security, travel and any other arrangements with the children will be funded by Madonna.

‘She has also agreed to give him a £2million sweetener as a kind of gift. This will not be seen in the court paperwork.

‘She will maintain his standard of living for the children. However that arrangement will also not be seen in the court paperwork.’

And Madonna took a sideswipe at Guy even as they divorced today  -  branding suggestions that he had not taken a penny as ‘fantasy land’.

Documents released by the court also indicate it was Madonna who petitioned for divorce citing Guy’s unreasonable behavior. What that behavior entails isn’t known. It probably has to do with Guy not succumbing to Madonna’s every whim. Like refusing to wear matching grass clothing or refusing to spot Madonna while she benches. Which, let’s face it, isn’t totally unreasonable. Not a lot of people can spot 550 lbs. Especially when they’re being emasculated in front of all the other gym members. Being called a “weak, whiny bitch” doesn’t exactly inspire one’s confidence.

Guy Ritchie reunited with his kids today after Madonna took them away to the America. Of course, Madonna wasn’t about to let them have anything related to fun so she sent over a list of deranged rules that were not to be broken. This included forcing them to drink nothing but Kabbalah water and not allowing them to be photographed with Guy. Which is great because that’s just what happened.

Guy should do the opposite of everything on this list. He should make them drink gallons of soda while they eat a cow. The benefit of doing this is twofold. One, he’ll piss off Madonna. Two, the kids will think he’s the coolest parent and when the judge asks them who they want to live with, they’ll tell Madonna to remove the stick from her ass, take her English Rose book and shove that in there instead.

It’s no wonder why Guy Ritichie and Madonna’s marriage didn’t work out. Guy was a famous director who helmed such films as Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels and Snatch. Madonna is a unbearable attention whore who ruined whatever credibility Guy had with Swept Away. Besides that, she’s also a controlling ass who drew up a marriage contract to control guy’s life. At least according to The Sun.

The document detailed how many dates the couple should go on and how often they should have sex.

It stated that Guy had to “work to enrich his wife’s emotional and spiritual wellbeing” and ordered him to devote several hours a week to reading Kabbalah texts with Madge.

It even had instructions on what words Guy should use during rows “to resolve conflicts in a constructive way”.

Sources said Madonna pinned the contract up in their New York home after they saw marriage counsellors two years ago, and would say to her husband, “Contract, Guy, contract” if he broke the rules.

If I was Guy and She-Man was trying to have sex with me, I’d create a distraction by throwing a tub of whey protein at her and GTFO while she was busy cradling it in her arms. I’d be gone so fast you’d just see a smoke outline of me like in those cartoons.

A few days ago, pictures came out of Guy Ritchie’s son Rocco sporting a New York Yankees shirt. Alex Rodriguez is of course a New York Yankee and rumored to be dating Madonna. A friend said Guy actually cried over the photos and is in “a terrible state. He said she is the ‘lowest of the low’ and is even more determined to fight for his side now.”

Madonna is a wretched and contemptible woman. It’s amazing she didn’t schedule a meet Alex Rodriguez day for all the kids and tip the paparazzi off so they could photograph the children taking turns riding on the, as Madonna would like Guy to know, “muscly and non-girl-like shoulders of a Greek God.”

More sordid details about Guy’s relationship with Madonna have surfaced and you know all those jokes you and I made about Madonna being the alpha male in the relationship? They’re true. Us reports:

“She would taunt Guy, saying, ‘I should have married someone like me: strong, hot-blooded, intelligent, ambitious, spiritual,’” reveals a Ritchie source. “Their fights would often get heated. A few times Madonna slapped him or poked him.”

Guy didn’t take it lying down though.

His reaction? “Guy called her old, fat, ugly and wrinkled and said that she was stupid and couldn’t sing,” another Madonna pal tells Us.

Madonna looks like a withered prune with muscles so it’s no surprise that Guy has already moved on. Us says he’s dating British actress Kelly Reilly who stars in his next film Sherlock Holmes. A noticeable step up but what isn’t when you’ve been with Madonna for so long. As long as Kelly’s clothes don’t rip into shreds exposing a complex network of bulging, throbbing veins when she flexes, it’s all good as they say.

Here’s Rachel Adams and Kelly Reilly at the pre-production conference for Sherlock Holmes.

Guy Ritchie is pissed because he thinks Madonna is spying on him. He claims Madonna is using her massive staff to monitor his every move. This was after the musclebound pop singer learned about the private meeting he had with his family to discuss how to combat Madonna’s PR spin which included reports calling  Guy “cruel and neglectful.”

Even though Guy compares Madonna’s tactics as “something concocted by the KGB,” he’s not surprised. Madonna is known for being a control freak. Like, during sex. Madonna always makes Guy be a bottom. Why can’t Guy ever be a top? It’s always Madonna, Madonna, Madonna.

According to The Scoop, Madonna’s divorce is about to get a lot uglier. This is based on the fact that Madonna is merely a puppet for Kabbalah, the magical religion with the $40 red charm bracelet she backs.

“Here’s how it works: she’s got a team of Kabbalah advisers who guide her through her spiritual decisions. If they say something is justified, then she feels comfortable going ahead and doing it,” says the friend. “That was the litmus test she applied to spending time with A-Rod, that’s how she justifies making references to Guy at concerts,” says the friend. “It’s only going to get worse (the public jabs) if Kabbalah greenlights it. Expect ugliness of epic proportions.”

Add to the fact that whenever Madonna gets mad, her size increases tenfold, her skin turns slightly green and she is filled with such rage, she starts smashing things. Suffice to say, you wouldn’t like it if Madonna was angry.

Last night, Madonna took a verbal swing at Guy, dedicating her song “Miles Away”, thought to be inspired by her relationship with Ritchie, to the “emotionally retarded.”

“This song is for the emotionally retarded. Maybe you know some people who fall into that category. God knows I do.”

If Madonna is referring to how Guy inches out the door and peels out in his car when she asks for sex, then someone should tell her that’s not emotional retardation, fear of intimacy or whatever. That’s a normal reaction. Madonna needs to realize guys get uncomfortable when their girlfriend starts throwing them around the bed like a rag doll and screaming at them to “take it, take it!” “It” being the 9 inch dildo they’re about to shove into their anal cavity.

Now that Madonna is officially free from her loveless marriage, she’s back with A-Rod. A source tells Us Magazine that they are “definitely romantic” and Madonna has actually been “privately separated” from Guy for over a year. Both Madonna and A-Rod have agreed to keep their relationship secret until she finishes her world tour.

How sweet. Soon they will be able to be together in public. Able to do 260lb bench presses side-by-side at 24 Hour Fitness without being judged. Able to binge on whey protein shakes without fear of being admonished. Madonna is getting hard just thinking about it.

In related divorce news, Guy Ritchie is expected to milk a $300 million divorce settlement assuming they didn’t sign a pre-nup which The Daily Mail believes they didn’t.