Gwen Stefani arrived for a party in Beverly Hills over the weekend as Cinderella. So she dressed up as a beautiful princess. That’s bullsh*t if you think about it. It would be like if I dressed up as Thor or if Spencer Pratt dressed up as a gigantic douche bag. The costumes at that point would just be redundant.

Here’s Gwen Stefani out at Mailbu beach in the world’s strangest beach attire. She was wearing a sheer skirt, leather jacket and… thong or is that a bikini? I don’t know. I think I’m going to have to stare at her ass a little longer to figure it out. Don’t worry, guys. I’m not a pervert. I’m doing this in the name of science.

Much like everybody else, Gwen Stefani was in a bikini in Cannes. She was on a yacht talking on her cell phone in a bikini top and dress. It was all very ho-hum and the pictures aren’t even that clear but she’s sort of a celebrity so I’m obligated to post these. Much like I’m obligated to say “t*ts or GTFO!”

Unlike Lindsay Lohan who brought a bunch of chicks to party on a yacht at St. Barths, Gwen Stefani brought her children. I believe that is an island party foul. Girls are required to bring more hot girls to this place to satisfy the island god. Gwen must pay penance. The god of St. Barths has dictated she must throw one of her children into the ocean and replace them with a really hot chick. Preferably one with loose morals who likes to get drunk and crazy and dance on tables. Hurry! The god of St. Barths demands it!

Splash News got some photos of Gwen Stefani’s newest baby, Zuma Nesta Rock Rossdale, yesterday at the Beverly Hills library. It looks like Gwen found out because she released her own photo on her website in an effort to beat them to the punch. I don’t know if it worked or not, but the baby is cute. He sort of resembles a tiny Michelin Man. I wish I was this cute when I was younger. I would have gotten all the chicks. Like a naked Gwen Stefani! Alas, I had to wait until high school to grow from an ugly duckling into a beautiful swan. And all I had to do was take off my glasses. Who knew it was that easy?

Gwen Stefani’s son, Zuma Nesta Rock, eats with a $4,000 diamond encrusted spoon, a gift from her bandmates. The handcrafted sterling silver baby utensil was made by Chrome Hearts jewelers, experts in modern waste.

“Gwen loves it. She would never buy it herself, but that is what makes it so special.”

I have Zuma Nesta beat. I wipe my ass with diamond encrusted toilet paper. $1,000 per sheet! It may shred my anus and not do a very good job of cleaning, but the knowledge that it makes me far superior to everyone else makes the pain well worth it.

Gwen Stefani gave birth to a baby boy at Cedars-Sinai this morning at 12:46 PM. They named him Zuma Nesta Rock Rossdale. Because they hate him and already curse the day he was born.

“Kingston, Gwen and Gavin Rossdale welcomed the newest member of their family. Mother, baby and family are all happy and healthy.

Zuma Nesta Rock reminds me of beverages and sadness. Zuma = Numa Numa. Nesta = Nestea. Rock = Shaking my head in utter disbelief. They might as well have named him “Please, not the face” so the other kids will know.

In Touch has it on good authority that Gwen Stefani may have already rid herself of the demon spawn festering in her stomach as of 10 a.m. this morning.

“Gwen’s so excited to have this baby because she gained a lot of weight during this pregnancy,” her pal reveals to In Touch. “She is ready to meet her new baby and get her body back.”

Gwen gained somewhere in the neighborhood of 800 pounds. I heard one time Gavin Rossdale came home and found an elephant trying to rape her. Awkward.

Note: The photo above was created using advanced algorithms to predict what she’ll look like in two weeks. Or it could just be a picture from August of last year.

Having just given birth to her son, Kingston, last year, Gwen Stefani is reportedly pregnant again. 13 weeks pregnant!

“They found out at California’s Cedars-Sinai hospital and couldn’t wait to share the news with everyone.”

Back in October Gwen revealed she was keen to have more kids. She said: “Obviously I’m in a race to have another one but I don’t want to do it while I’m out on tour.”

Why is everyone having a baby? Is there something I don’t know about? Should I be worried? Is this a sign that I shouldn’t be adopting children for the sole purpose of enslaving them or is it a sign that I should be? Should I not be whipping them? But, if I don’t, they won’t have any motivation to sew faster. But, if I do, I have to hear them constantly cry about it. Oh, what confusing times we live in.

Gwen Stefani was in Hawaii over the weekend in a bikini thing looking good. Surprising because she was pregnant a while ago. Usually people are too lazy to lose that baby fat, but still dress like they did when they were hot. Sort of pathetic and easy to make fun of which is good for me. Gwen Stefani, on the other hand, is hard to make fun of. I can give it a try though. Hm, oh, look at that stomach. I see a millimeter of pudge. What a fatty. Why don’t you go stuff your face with some more cake, piggy.

• Open Water 2 is really awesome. Ha, I made a funny. [Pajiba]
• The Departed in under 2 minutes. [CH]
• Duff hates Richie. [NinjaDude]
• Timbaland bringing Britney back? [HB]
• Hendrix heirs say “no” to Electric Vodka. [Glitterati]

• A good Hawaiin Tropic add. Cancer included. [Grumpiest]
• Is there a Friend’s curse? [Popbytes]
• Gwen Stefani is packin’. [Yeeeah]
• Photos of John Popper’s car. [SOW]
• Not really celeb related, but Miami New Times writes about the shady Bangbus.com. [MNT]

• Joe Francis of Girls Gone Wild says Paris was the best blow job he’d ever had. Blatant liar. [IDLYITW]
• Stills from Sienna Miller’s sex scene. Trust me, there’s video floating around somewhere. [Celebrity Smack]
• There might be a Departed sequel, possibly prequel. [Celebitchy]
• Farce of the Penguins. I can’t believe this is a real movie. [Pajiba]
• Kevin Bacon opens up six degrees of charity. [CityRag]
• Katie is very grateful. [Glitterati]
• Michael Jackson’s kids revealed. [Evil Beet]
• Tricia Helfer PG-13 Playboy. [Bastardly]
• Gwen Stefani used to be fat? [Popsugar]

My mail server is completely broken so no mail after Jan. 3 was received. That’s the bad news. The good news is I’m still sexy. Phew, that’s a relief.

1. Brad Pitt might be old and washed up, but he’s still rich and wanted by half of America. [Celebitchy]
2. Hilary Swank got a star on Hollywood’s Walk of Fame. They just let anybody in don’t they? [Celebrity Smack]
3. Mariah Carey forces Mary Carey to stop using her name. [CityRag]
4. Britney Spears on a yacht with a K-Fed clone. [Evil Beet]
5. Josh Hartnett got a sloppy BJ in some bathroom. [Dlisted]
6. Gwen Stefani isn’t perfect. [I'm Not Obsessed]
7. Pete Doherty says he did marry Kate Moss. [Agent Bedhead]