Gwyneth Paltrow, in her latest GOOP newsletter, is pushing a GOOP cleanse which is apparently a re-branded cleanse offered by Dr. Alenjandro Junger. “DON’T YOU WANT A CLEAN COLON LIKE ME, YOU FILTHY PEASANTS?!,” Paltrow passive-aggressively writes.

The goop Cleanse

Next week, when it’s back to the grind with work and the daily school run, I’m starting off with Clean, my go-to cleanse from Dr. Alejandro Junger, with whom goop has partnered for the month of January. I’ve used Clean in the past with great results, losing a few pounds and kickstarting a healthier and more energetic New Year. This month, I’ll be doing it along with members of the goop team and we hope you will too. And, it goes without saying, but be sure to check with your doctor before getting started!

Love,
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The special GOOP cleanse goes for around $425. The package gives you a three-week supply of herbs and the option of a chocolate or vanilla protein shake. Personally, I like chocolate with my pretentiousness. It gives it more of a kick and the air of superiority it produces smells much nicer.

Not that you needed a list to tell you but GQ spoofed Barbara Walters’ “10 Most Fascinating People of the Year” list with their own “Least Influential People of the Year” list and both January Jones and Gwyenth Paltrow were nominated.

Jones was one of 25 selected because the latest season of her hit TV show “Mad Men” was delayed from airing until 2012 and Paltrow was named for “unleashing her awful cookbook on the world.”

Also noted were musicians Bono and The Edge for spending a wasteful $65 million on the making of Broadway musical “Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark,” veteran Harrison Ford for creating box office flop “Cowboys & Aliens,” and Arnold Schwarzenegger for engaging in an extramarital affair. StarPulse

January Jones makes sense since she doesn’t even walk her own kid but I don’t know about Gwyneth Paltrow being on there. What about her GOOP newsletter. Who doesn’t want to know solutions to rich people problems?

Pictures like these always humanize celebrities. If flawless, GOOPy Gwyneth Paltrow with her $500 rare earth ground panda bone creams can get a zit on her forehead, then why not us. Sure, some models and actors are put on a strict regime of tetracycline or doxycycline to control breakouts, but look, it still happens.

Granted, the pus in Gwyneth’s pimple doubles as a cure for cancer, but other than that, celebrities, they’re just like us!

Gwyneth Paltrow filmed scenes for Thanks For Sharing in New York yesterday and they say she tried to ride her bike into a photog after finishing a take. It didn’t quite work as the photog gave Gwyneth his best “Come at me bro!” stance.

To recap, Gwyneth Paltrow tried to kamakazi her 90 pound body and a 20 pound bike into a guy. That sounds rather ineffective. What did she do next? Try to kill a fly by nagging it to death?

Like some sort of gay, show tune-singing Voltron, Gwyneth Paltrow and Ryan Murphy are combining their powers of dance and song and collaborating again. This time on a musical movie. Maybe.

“We want to do a musical together,” Murphy told me at the Emmys. “An original—I want to write an original movie for Gwyneth and Maya Rudolph, both of whom I’m great friends with.”

He smiled, “That’s all I will say.” — E!

This will no doubt bring joy to the hearts of every Glee fan who have long asked themselves, “why hasn’t this already happened?!,” as they attempt to push their way out of the trash can they’re stuffed in.

Stop whatever you’re doing because you’re going to want to see this. Gwyenth Paltrow wore this midriff baring, semi-see-through ensemble to the Emmys last night. I can’t wait to hear be modest about this in her GOOP newsletter.

Gwyneth Paltrow says she’s more evolved than the average person. At least that’s what I imagine she thinks. All the time. While promoting Contagion, where she plays a cheating wife, Paltrow said she can still respect and admire those who have cheated on their husbands and wives.

“I am a great romantic — but I also think you can be a romantic and a realist. Life is complicated and long and I know people that I respect and admire and look up to who have had extra-marital affairs. It’s like we’re flawed — we’re human beings and sometimes you make choices that other people are going to judge. That’s their problem but I think that the more I live my life, the more I learn not to judge people for what they do.” — Daily Mail

Of course, this brings up the question whether or not Chris Martin bangs groupies on tour. Gwyneth impies he hasn’t. “I’m lucky — I have a wonderful, blessed life. I have two fantastically delightful children and a very nice husband, so … Knock on wood.”

“Very nice?” That’s how you describe the kid from across the street that you met just once or the steak you ate at a five star restaurant that you weren’t that impressed with. If Chris Martin isn’t banging groupies in his trailer, he should be.

Gwyneth Paltrow is staying in the Hamptons this summer but earning mixed reviews from sources. One witness at the Maidstone Club says Gwyneth is sweet to staffers. Another says she’s a flat-out bitch.

Case in point? After a friendly traveler gave Paltrow’s housekeeper a lift from a bus stop to her home, the actress reprimanded the driver.

“Gwyneth was mad that the maid showed strangers where she lived,” the insider tells Us. “Gwyneth said, ‘Please don’t give my maid a ride again!’”

Paltrow’s rep denies the report saying her housekeeper has a car and Gwyneth would never say something like that. But right after, the rep asked, “Wait, are you talking about the Mexican one or the El Salvadorian one? Oh, the El Salvadorian? Yea, she’s a total bitch.”

On September 11, 2001, Gwyneth Paltrow almost ran Lara Lundstrom Clarke over in her Mercedes SUV. But since this is Gwyneth Paltrow, a honest-to-god angel, it wasn’t her fault and this was the best thing that could have ever happened to Lara.

As the story goes, Lara was rushing to get to work at the Twin Towers in NYC when she jaywalked to get to the subway. As she crossed 7th Avenue, a Mercedes SUV came speeding towards her. They both stopped in their tracks. As the driver waved her across, she realized it was Gwyneth f**king Paltrow. Almost being ran over and then taking 5 minutes to bask in the light that emanates from Gwyneth made her miss her train. By the time Lara got to work, the first plane had hit the World Trade Center.

When asked about this, Paltrow’s publicist Stephen Huvane said it was all true and Paltrow was “deeply moved” by the story. She was so moved that she spent an extra 10 minutes meditating about it and figuring out how she could work this into the next GOOP newsletter.

I don’t know what it is about Gwyneth Paltrow that makes her such an easy target. Oh, wait. Yes, I do. She’s so far up her own ass that she’s un-relatable in any way. Every word that comes out of her mouth is so pretentious that you’d be surprised if she didn’t have a eunuch transcribing her every thought. Anyway, Gwyneth is really into design and she gave Elle Decor a list of things she can’t live without. Go ahead and guess one thing on this list.

1. De Gournay Hand-Painted Wallpaper
I indulged with one wall in my London living room covered in a gorgeous pattern.

2. Seasonal Flowers
I like single-variety arrangements—peonies, hydrangeas, and white lilies—casually arranged.

3. Darren Almond’s Photography
His arresting, large-scale artwork brings a sense of majesty to a room.

4. Charles Edwards Star Lanterns
I hung three of these at different levels in the stair hall so that we could pass them on our way up to bed at night.

5. Antonio Lupi Baia Tub
It’s in the middle of my bedroom—perfect for a relaxing wind-down and for bathing the kids.

6. Juxtaposed: Religion Shelf
Built-in slots hold holy books—including the Qur’an, Bible, and Tao Te Ching—all at the same level (which is how I like to think about religion).

7. Clothbound Penguin Classics
These gorgeous editions make the books so tempting to pick up, again and again. The ultimate cure for sore muscles.

8. YUBZ Retro Handset
A handset cuts down on cellphone radiation. I use this one for my BlackBerry calls.

Rich people will buy anything if you make up a good story to go along with it. Like the YUBZ Retro Handset which she says cuts down on radiation but in reality was probably designed to make the person using it look like a complete jackass. Gosh and here I am shooting cancer rays into my head like a fool.

After reading this, I’d probably die of embarrassment if I ever ate something as plain as a pb&j in front of her. Scratch that. Gwyneth would probably die of embarrassment for me.

The trailer for Contagion directed by Steven Soderbergh and starring every single actor in Hollywood was recently released. It’s like Outbreak but with birds.

One of the stars in the film is Gwyneth Paltrow who dies early on in the trailer and boy does she look stunning on her deathbed. I haven’t seen this much beauty since Sean Penn dressed in drag earlier today. Those two should get together and have an ugly off.

Sigh. I think I’m in love. I want to use that picture of Gwyneth Paltrow in every single Gwyneth Paltrow post from now on.

Gwyneth Paltrow spent the weekend in Porto Cervo, Italy with her kids and her godfather Steven Spielberg and without her husband Chris Martin who’s still on tour.

Considering she’s had two kids and, she doesn’t look bad in a bikini. Most women would pack on the pounds between projects but that’s something Gwyneth can’t do because what will her GOOP newsletter subscribers think of her then?!

Whoops. Forgot to finish that sentence. Hoity-toity Gwyneth Paltrow, while promoting her cookbook at the iTunes festival Tuesday, told British host Jonathan Ross she would rather smoke crack than eat cheese from a can. “Oh hell no!,” exclaimed Britney Spears and Jessica Simpson.

Her highness also talked about her kids’ eating habits saying she has a no McDonald’s policy. “I take them to Pizza Express because I think that’s much healthier,” she said. “Don’t tell them there are toys!”

This isn’t the first time Gwyneth has been prone to exaggeration either. She once told Conan O’Brien, “I would rather die than let my kid eat Cup-A-Soup.”

Gwyneth Paltrow’s kids must think she’s a joy to be around. If she were any more protective of their health, they’d be rolling around in a bubble.