If you ever wanted to watch a tubby, Ed Hardy wearing douchebag and a famewhore high on spliffs and drunk on champagne start making fun of the French for what feels like forever, today is your lucky day.

“Jon and Hailey were confused about how people smoked weed in France because they mix it with tobacco. All they did [on their trip] was drink Crystal and smoke spliffs with the friends they were with,” the source told RadarOnline.com exclusively. “Whenever someone was sparking it up, they were right there smoking it.”

Giving the kids to Kate was a good idea. Even though she’s an overbearing, annoying bitch, she wouldn’t be sitting around at home all day laughing her ass off and throwing Pringles at the kids. Jon would probably throw all eight kids in the dryer because he was so high.

Check out the video here.

Steppin’ Out Magazine dressed up Hailey Glassman, Jon Goselin’s ex, as a hooker and put her on the cover of their magazine accompanied by the words “Judge this haters!” and an arrow pointing towards her. In this issue, Hailey talks about all things Jon ranging from him being a sociopath to him having a tiny penis. Finally, what I’ve always wanted to know.

I’ve never heard of Steppin’ Out Magazine so I don’t know if this was meant as a joke or if they really want haters to “judge this”? Because it doesn’t seem like they’re going to get the response they hoped for if they were fishing for compliments.

I mean, when they finished shooting and stripped Hailey of her last bit of dignity, did Steppin’ Out leave the money on her dresser before they sneaked out or what?

Do people still care about this tubby douche and his merry band of wenches? I figured both Tiger Woods and Charlie Sheen combined would have pushed this guy into irrelevancy. Guess not because Page Six is reporting that Hailey Glassman filed a harassment claim against Jon Gosselin alleging he slammed her against the wall in a jealous rage after seeing a photo of her kissing “Celebrity Boxing” promoter Damon Feldman.

“That picture started the whole thing, a picture of her kissing another man,” a source told The Post’s Jamie Schram. Earlier, Glassman had “found out he was cheating on her. She told him it was over,” the source said. Glassman filed a harassment complaint with the NYPD, saying “she was pushed against [a] wall” on Dec. 20 and verbally abused by Gosselin, a charge under investigation by cops.

Gosselin’s lawyer Mark Heller counters that Jon wouldn’t do this because he’s a modern day Don Juan. How he said this without laughing is beyond me.

“Jon is a lover, not a fighter. He’s been rumored to steal a kiss here and there, but he has never been accused of landing a sucker punch.”

To be fair, Hailey never said Jon punched her. She said he slammed her into a wall. So, this isn’t as much as a denial as it is answering a different question. It’s like if I asked you about the weather and then you called my mom a whore.

A “sick perpetrator” broke into Jon Gosselin’s Mnahattan apartment over the weekend and proceeded to knife everything in his place. “Shoes, shirts, luggage, bed, curtain, rugs” and other furniture are now decorated with gashes. Not only that, the person stole a television, CD player, coffee maker, a Nintendo Wii game, dishes, pots and pans and smashed a 100 year old Ming vase for good measure.

They also left behind a note which they stuck into Jon’s dresser with a butcher knife. It was signed with Hailey Glassman’s name and called Jon a “cheater”.

NYPD questioned Hailey yesterday and took fingerprints, but since Hailey used to live in the apartment, her prints are going to be everywhere. Hailey’s attorney adds that this is all a big publicity stunt and/or someone is trying to frame Hailey.

Jon must have been beside himself when he came home and saw his Ed Hardy tees slashed up. He probably cradled them in his arms like they were his dying son, cursed the heavens and promised to avenge them.

What was miraculously left of Jon Gosselin’s balls have finally disintegrated into ash and dust after being lit on fire and beaten with an electrical cord by Hailey Glassman. In an interview with Entertainment Tonight, Jon and his maybe-girlfriend, Hailey, revealed Jon would be spending Thanksgiving with her and her family instead of with Kate and his kids. Hilarity ensued thereafter.

Hailey explained her family “would never let him eat Thanksgiving dinner alone in an apartment.” Jon claimed he never planned otherwise, “I still planned on going to her house on Thanksgiving; that was on my schedule.”

Upon hearing that she and her family were on Jon’s schedule, Hailey had what she might’ve called a womantram. If she were stupid. Which she is.

“On your schedule? What do you mean, ‘On my schedule? Let’s see, Kate has the kids, and she’s having a nice huge meal with Steve and his family. Uh, let’s see, should I go to Hailey’s or should I sit in my apartment all alone?”

“Sorry, I used the wrong term,” says Jon. “I plan on going — I made a promise to her family I would go to her house.”

“Made a promise? You’re not doing my family any favors!” replies Hailey.

Aaaand scene.  Jon is certainly attracted to one type of woman:  rough in the face and on his balls.  During this interview, I made a pie chart of the possibility of Jon’s balls ever regenerating to their natural form. Unfortunately for you, I grew distracted by the thought of pie. Fortunately for me, I love pie.

…with his words. According to Radar Online, Hailey Glassman cried like a bitch on The Insider while revealing the emotionally abusive side of her boyfriend, Jon Gosselin. Basically, Jon wants to be Kate in his new relationship. He probably styles his hair like Kate’s while sleeping with Hailey. Hailey revealed the following,

“We’re at a point now where I don’t know why I love him. He gets frustrated and angry and I’m the one who gets the brunt. He’ll call me and take his anger out on me. He has ‘mantrums.’ I shouldn’t have to put up with being emotionally abused. I cry and say why are you so mean to me? He takes it out on me. He talks over me so I can’t speak. Sometimes he has trouble with the truth and he will dance and dance around his lies. He’s like Jekyll and Hyde. But I still love him.”

Hailey’s condescending referral of Jon’s fits of rage as “mantrums” is exactly why she falls victim to his verbal thrashings. Even though she is deserving, I think Hailey’s performance on The Insider is pretty transparent. While others may wonder what she is doing with an arrogant asshole like Jon Gosselin, I’ve read that a little douche juice goes a long way for a healthy, happy vagina. And Hailey has unlimited access to Jon’s lifetime supply of douche stored in his Ed Hardy oversized tote. It’s a match made in heaven.

If you’re going to date a much older and somewhat famous guy with lots of kids who is just fresh out of a very messy and public break-up, it’s a strong possibility you may have some real self-esteem issues. Which reminds me: Hailey Glassman, Jon Gosselin’s new squeeze, had breast surgery recently.

Jon Gosselin “soul mate” Hailey Glassman went under the knife for breast surgery on Sept. 16, Star magazine is reporting exclusively.

“Hailey’s been very self-conscious about her breasts,” a friend told Star. “She didn’t like the way they looked.”

Hailey, 22, was caught on camera by the mag while walking out of Natural Images in Plastic Surgery in Nyack, N.Y. She was with her mother Lauren, and father, Dr. Lawrence Glassman (who was, of course, not involved in the surgery).

When you look good, you feel good, I guess. In a related story, after a hard day of killing and consuming her most recent mate, Kate Gosselin was seen going to the salon to have her talons clipped and her mandibles scrubbed clean. Sometimes, you just gotta treat yourself.

PEOPLE reports that Jon Gosselin and his new girlfriend Hailey Glassman were spotted in St. Tropez with Christian Audigier of Ed Hardy over the weekend to finalize a deal for a children’s clothing line. Hailey is the daughter of the plastic surgeon who fixed up Kate Gosselin’s stomach.

Glassman will also have a hand in creating the kid-friendly fashions. “She’ll have a lot of input with Christian,” Gosselin told PEOPLE of Hailey’s involvement. “And I will, too.” And don’t forget the plus eight — Gosselin tells PEOPLE that his eight kids, who spent the weekend with Kate at the family’s Pennsylvania home, will model his designs in ads for the line. Audigier tells PEOPLE that he approached Gosselin with the idea after noticing that the reality show dad often wore his tattoo-inspired T-shirts on Jon and Kate Plus Eight. “He’s huge,” says the French designer, who may also collaborate with Gosselin on a specialty motorcycle collection. “Everyone knows this family. And everyone will know our clothes. They’ll be fun, easy clothes for kids.”

You know what’s more exciting than people wearing $80 dollar Ed Hardy shirts? Punching people wearing $80 Ed Hardy shirts. If I ever see a kid wearing a t-shirt with skulls and a rose, I’ll point to that douchebag wearing a similar shirt standing next to him and ask him if that is who he wants to be. Then I’ll slap him until he comes to his senses. You have to be tough with these two-year-olds.