Heather Graham made an appearance at the 8th annual Bahamas International Film Festival which honored Heather for Career Achievement… In related news, Boogie Nights was just released in the Bahamas.

Heather Graham hit up Italy today and hung out at the beach to present herself to me. Whoa there, sweetie. Aren’t you with your boyfriend? Won’t he get a little jealous when we, you know, do it? Can we just push him into a riptide or something and pretend not to hear his woman-like cries for help?

Last week Rollergirl hit up Barcelona with her boyfriend. They swam together, sunbathed together and relaxed together. At night, her boyfriend crawled on top of her, thrust his hips a couple of times, screamed/cried and then fell asleep. Because that’s how magical sex is.

I’m kind of disappointed that Justin Barth decided to be a gentleman and not cop a feel when he and the cast lifted up Heather Graham. I would have grabbed on to her breast like a hawk grabs on to a field mouse.

Chicken Little says: “Heather Graham’s breasts are falling! Heather Graham’s breasts are falling!”

Poor Heather Graham. She found moderate success in Boogie Nights but lost it after doing films like Say It Isn’t So and Gray Matters. Now she has saggy boobs which means she’s all but unemployable in Hollywood. The only thing she can do now is release a sex tape and hope I’ll find it in my heart to star in it. Being the gentleman that I am, I may very well agree. For Heather’s sake.

When you have as awesome a rack as Heather Graham, you should do what she did at the G-Star Fashion Show. Show them off through a see-through top. Yes, Heather’s commitment to excellence never ceases to amaze me. “Why can’t you be more like Heather,” I always yell at Jessica Alba making sure I stand 300 yards away. Sigh, she never listens or maybe she never hears. Either way, here’s to you Heather, for your continuing support of all things male. *Strips down naked and salutes the computer screen*

Since his split from Michelle Williams, Heath Ledger has been sowing his wild oats. His black book reads like a casting call for Hollywood’s top models and actresses. Kate Hudson, Helena Christensen and now add Heather Graham and Gemma Ward to the mix. According to the New York Post,

“He’s following Gemma around everywhere,” a Page Six spy said. “He somehow finds out where she is going to be and then miraculously shows up to the parties or bars where she is.”

Furthermore:

“Spies at Gonzales y Gonzales restaurant saw Ledger, who was “dressed like a homeless guy,” make “a beeline for Graham”…He ignored everyone except Heather and then told her, ‘We should hang out sometime.’ She agreed, they exchanged numbers, but then he just bolted,” our source said. “He was basically only there to pick up a chick.”

Dating for Heath sounds like a covert military operation. Stalk your enemy. Follow them wherever they go. Next, camouflage yourself and blend into the background. Lock onto your target, get in and get out.

Hmm…sounds too complicated. I prefer to go nuclear and just slap girls on the face with my large penis. Usually, they call me sick and disgusting. I say they can’t take a joke.

Heath Ledger as The Joker up above. Gemma Ward and Heather Graham down below. - Captain Swarthy

• Tom Cruise and Oprah Winfrey reunite. [SOW]
• Breaking and Entering: Woo Hoo! More Unbelievable Interpersonal Contrivances [Pajiba]
• Angry Cameron Diaz turning into a man. [Bastardly]
• Britney Spears with…her children? [Celebrity Smack]
• Celebrity plastic surgery explosion. [CityRag]
• Dancing with one-legged stars. [Yeeeah!]
• The Riches coming to FX. [Popbytes]
• Gay secret behind James Brown’s wife being left out of the will. [Celebitchy]
• Some guy brags about going on a date with Drew Barrymore. [Mollygood]
• Beastie Boys past and present. [Agent Bedhead]
• Heather Graham’s lesbian kiss. [Drunken Stepfather]
• Victoria Beckham out and about. [ICYDK]
• John Mayer sends Jessica Simpson love from the Grammys. [About]
• Clay Aiken needs your help. [Celebslam]
• Diddy yells at Naomi Campbell. [ASL]
• Nicole Richie and Joel Madden match. [Ninjadude]
• Sofia Vergara. [Derek Hail]

• Charlize Theron sued by Swiss watchmaker. [ICYDK]
• Adrianne Curry blasts America’s Next Top Model. [Celebrity Smack]
• Bam Margera is married. [Celebitchy]
• Everybody hates Tyra. [Evil Beet]
• The tearjerkiest moments of the last 20 years. [Pajiba]
• Jason Priestly is expecting. [Glitterati]
• Stacy Keibler at a Super Bowl afterparty. [Bastardly]
• NASA’s worst nightmare. An astronaut love triangle. [ASL]
• Heather Grahm makes out with chicks. [Yeeeah!]
• Nicole Richie looks normal. [The Skinny Website]
• Fergie was tucked. [IDLYITW]
• Drew Barrymore tunes out. [Just Jared]
• Sienna Miller makes out with model. [The Bosh]
• Jamie Burke gets around. [Dlisted]
• Jessica Biel has huge lips. [Derek Hail]

I watched Beauty and Geek yesterday. I was pretty disappointed since I thought beauty meant something along the lines of hot, but I found out in tv world it means ugly and annoying. There were possibly two attractive girls, some average girls, one girl who looked like Brooke Hogan and another was so wholly unattractive and peppy that putting a stun gun to her thorax would be too good for her.

• Tyra Banks discusses poop. This clip reminded me why I don’t watch daytime tv. [BWE]
• Paris Hilton attempts the toughest illusion of all. Cleavage. Copperfield would be proud. [Celebrity Smack]
• Perfume: The Story of Murder. Meh? [Pajiba]
• O.J. Simpson was jealous and paranoid. [Celebitchy]
• Drew Barrymore is single. Well lord have mercy. [Evil Beet]
• The Rosie-Barbara-Trump thing is still going on? [A Socialite's Life]
• Heather Graham at a pre-screening. Fact: Did you know she plays a sex shop worker/lesbian in The Oh in Ohio? [ICYDK]
• Idiot Nicole Richie being entertained by idiot Joel Madden at the idiot beach on some idiot rocks. [Popsugar]

Sheesh the site was slow yesterday. I’ll be moving hosts soon, very soon. Probably during Christmas when the only people visiting this site are drunk and choking on their own vomit.

1. Larry King loves Christmas. Yes! We found the real Scrooge. [CityRag]
2. The Shrek 3 trailer is…um. Is this series still going on? [Celebitchy]
3. Lindsay Lohan won’t be back on Oprah? Who invited her in the first place? [The Evil Beet]
4. Ron Goldman’s father is suing O.J. Simpson. Luckily O.J. is still a millionaire because of his untouchable pension. [Gawker]
5. John Travolta is fat, but not phat. [Celebslam]
6. Heather Graham isn’t what she used to be. [Celebrity Smack]
7. The Pursuit of Happiness may be worth watching. [Pajiba]
8. Adriana Lima vs. Kelly Brook. I vote Kelly Brook all the way. [The Bastardly]