But, now that Ms. Mills has parlayed her one-legged sympathy act into a $50 million payday, it’s time to celebrate. Heather landed in New York to spend some of that hard-earned cash. According to the NY Post,

“Mills was spotted looking at condos and, later, partying it up with three girlfriends at Pastis…She looked like a full-on tart. She had on a tight bustier, really tight pants and four-inch-high boots. She looked ready for anything.”

Watch out Ringo. You’re the last Beatle left and she’s coming after you. She’s only got one good leg, so escaping shouldn’t be too hard. She did catch Paul though, but he was always more innocent and gullible. If you’re walking alone at night and hear a wooden leg scraping on the ground behind you, run Ringo, run!

Guest contributor: Captain Swarthy

Not content with a ruling giving her $50 million and $70,000 a year, Heather Mills wants to overturn the ruling and bleed more money out of Paul McCartney. To do this she has hired forensic accountants to prove he’s worth more than $800 million. Oh, it’s not for Heather though, it’s for their daughter.

Miss Mills has told friends she cannot look after Beatrice on $70,000 a year, the sum awarded at the High Court.

One said: “Heather says she can prove the amount of money that is being given to look after Bea will not last over the year. She is putting it to the test.

“Even with Bea travelling in economy Heather says it’s not enough. She is keeping every receipt – including her invoice to her security team – to show that £35,000 is just not sufficient.

“Heather’s thinking is that Bea should not be seen to have a different lifestyle when she is with Heather compared to Paul – and she is going about proving that is not possible.

“Heather is hoping Paul will discretely make a payment to her annually rather than want to go back to court and rake all this up again.”

I have an idea. Why not have Beatrice stay home and go to school. Maybe take her on vacation once a year or once every two years. I know, I know. The idea sounds crazy, but I think it just might work.

Heather Mills made off with $50 million in her divorce settlement with Paul McCartney. Peg leg said Paul offered her $30 million to settle, but she wanted $250 million. Originally, it was believed Paul was worth $1.6 billion. The judge decided he was worth half that. Heather now wants to appeal to restrict publication of the judgment because it “contains private details about her daughter” (read: makes her look bad).

“I am so, so happy,” she said outside the High Court.

“I’m so glad it’s over, it was an incredible result in the end to secure mine and my daughter’s future and that of all the charities that I obviously plan on helping and making a difference with – because you know it has been my life for 20 years.

“Obviously the court do not want a litigant in person to do well, it’s against everything that they ever wish, so when they write the judgment up they’re never going to make it look in favour.

It’s said that when the judgment was delivered, Heather’s lawyers and supporters let out a resounding, “Yarrrr.” With a cool $50 million, Heather’s first order of business is to request a diamond encrusted prosthetic leg be made for her, which is both the latest in celebrity amputee fashion and a way to give a symbolic middle finger to Paul McCartney and her detractors.

Well, this doesn’t have the same “oomph” as a prosthetic leg flying across the stage, but it’ll do. At the end of her routine on “Dancing With the Stars”, Heather Mills falls on her ass. This just in. I’ve been given the go-ahead by the Coalition of the Handicapped to make fun of her. So, here’s to Heather, whose rendition of an epileptic attack on the dance floor has given hope to disabled people everywhere.

The “Dancing With the Stars” amputee wanted a gay guy as a partner to avoid any rumors of a romance. Instead, Heather Mills got Jonathan Roberts.

“Jonathan turned up and I said, ‘Well, he doesn’t look gay,’ and I said, ‘Are you gay?’ And he said, ‘No, I’m not, I’m married…’ He’s just a great person.”

I requested a lesbian once in a sex scene I was doing. Turned out she wasn’t a lesbian. When we started filming, it also turned out she wasn’t even a woman. That director is such a joker. I got him back by leaving a dead hooker in his bed. Now he’s serving a life sentence. The moral of the story is don’t play tricks on me or I will destroy you and all that you love. Also, hookers wriggle a lot.

• Mills: ‘I wanted a gay guy’ [Contact Music]

The one-legged ex-wife of Paul McCartney is set to debut on Dancing With the Stars this season. A disabled group in her native Britain have taken offense claiming her appearance on the show proves she is able-bodied. They want her to stop using the handicap badge which allows her to park in handicap spaces.

The Federation’s spokesperson Kathy Gordon says, “Clearly she has mobility so she should refrain from using the badge. It’s not fair on other disabled people.”

Hopefully they take it away from her. Then she’ll have to take her car to the back of the parking lot and hobble her ass to the mall in the rain where a wheel chaired guy will ask what took her so long. Then she’ll beat him unconscious with her prosthetic leg and roll him down a hill because Heather Mills always gets the last laugh.

Mariah Carey thinks she’s going to be mistaken for a porn star. Not with those chunky thighs she’s not. [Celebrity Smack]

Posh Spice threatens lawsuit. She thinks her jeans are more awesome than they really are and wants to get paid. [Glitterati]

Mel Gibson is bat shit insane. [Pajiba]

Mandy Moore forgives Wilmer Valderrama for telling everyone she’s a slut. What a slut. [Celebslam]

Heather Mills got over $200 million in a secret settlement. Someone also found a bunch of photos of her and Paul that was thrown out including “Mills draped in a sheet in bed, with her artificial leg standing in a black stiletto nearby.” Jesus, it’s too early for an erection. [Celebitchy]

Tori Spelling has some weird stuff at her yard sale. No sign of her career. [CityRag]

Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman aren’t too friendly. So this is what the death of comedy looks like. [Popsugar]

Kelly Clarkson vandalizes Amy Lee from Evanescence’s house. [Just Jared]

Random message to Paris Hilton. [Drunken Stepfather]