In an interview with The Daily Beast, Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag, who now live at Spencer’s parents’ beach house in Santa Barbara because they are penniless, regret everything they’ve done in their made up lives. They make the very believable claim that they have no friends, no money and are largely unemployable.

They admit that everything about their lives was for show. From their fake breakups to their fake divorce. Oh and they sucked at money management.

“We never had any!” said Spencer in response to the money question. Meaning, it went out as quickly as it came in. Spencer estimated they spent $2 million on Heidi’s ill-fated pop-music career, hiring writers, producers, and engineers who worked with Rihanna, Nicki Minaj, and Lady Gaga. There were lots of clothes, too. “I probably spent a million dollars on suits and fancy clothes,” Spencer said. “My whole million-dollar wardrobe—I would never wear that again. They’re props. Everything we were doing, we were buying props. I bought a big blue monster truck just to drive it on The Hills for an episode. Never drove it again.”

The most interesting part of the interview is what Spencer says got him kicked off The Hills. Producers wanted him to punch her sister in the face for “That Snooki effect,” but Spencer refused and went ballistic saying, “You want me to punch my sister in the face? Are you trying to get me to kill you?” This is only interesting because I never thought there was a line Spencer would not cross.

Anyway, he’s now a burrito and taco eating douchebag in Santa Barbara who can’t even go out because people take pictures and make fun of him on Twitter. Hopefully it stays that way.

Because Heidi Montag has nothing better to do than to pour champagne down her gaping maw and over her plastic breasts at Wet Republic in Vegas once a month, she spends 14 hours a day just working out.

“I’ve been working out from, like, 5 a.m. to 7 p.m. for two months now. I’ve been working out really hard because I had this pool party and I was like, I have to be in shape.” Heidi continued, “And I was actually a lot overweight. It was the most I’ve ever been because I’ve kind of been in hiding eating pie with my husband and puppies, so I needed to get back in shape.”

Heidi, 5’2”, is now 103 pounds, down from 130. How did she drop those 27 pounds? “I’ve been running a lot and I’ve been doing weights. When you work out, you boost your metabolism, so you have to [make sure you eat enough].”

So don’t be fooled. Heidi didn’t commit to an extreme workout regime because she wanted to better herself, she just had a bikini pool party to go to and she wanted to look good. Never underestimate the power of her vanity. After all, this is the girl who had 10 cosmetic surgeries in 2009 which pumped her body with enough silicone that the government can declare her legally dead.

I didn’t keep track of how many times I sighed while reading this. I just know it was a lot. It wasn’t because of the fact that Heidi Montag threw away $2m on trying to start a music career despite lacking talent and charisma but because she even had $2m to throw away. She’d have gotten more use out of that money if she’d used it as kindling.

What’s even worse is she’s getting a second chance. “I spent $2 million on my music career, and it didn’t happen for me, and now I have this opportunity.” What idiot is giving her this opportunity? Why, none other than Deb Antney, mother of rapper Waka Flocka, who has agreed to take Heidi on as a client thanks in part to Spencer Pratt (who raps now!).

“Spencer is going into the studio with Waka Flocka Flame, and I requested that his mother Deb Antney meet with me and manage me, because she is just fabulous,” Montag said.

“I need her to guide me in the right direction and I know amazing things will happen because she really knows what she is doing,” Montag said.

“I’ve never been able to be the true Heidi, and now that I am not working on The Hills, I can really focus on this.”

“While Spencer is working with Waka Flocka, I’m going to do some tracks with Eric Nolan Grant,” Montag said, excited to have the opportunity to work with the jazz singer.

“We are meeting in the studio on February 21st through February 24th, and I am so excited.

Full disclosure: I don’t know who any of these people are. When they mentioned Heidi and then Spencer, my eyes rolled into the back of my head. In fact, my eyeballs are still back there right now staring into a glorious world where Spencer and Heidi don’t exist. Is this heaven?

On Thursday, Heidi Montag whined to Us that Jennifer Aniston banned her from the Just Go With It movie premiere because she was too polarizing. If you didn’t know already, that was a lie but Heidi just calls it a “misunderstanding.” The real reason Heidi wasn’t there was because she had to be in Los Angeles with her dogs. Wait, what?

“I read that Jennifer had banned me from the premiere for being too polarizing, but I know now that it wasn’t true,” Montag tells Us. “It never really made sense to me because Jennifer is such a sweetheart and she even commented before on a red carpet about how interesting and fun it was to have me in the movie.”

“I got my invite and I would have loved to be there, but I had to be Los Angeles with my dogs,” Montag explained. “I was honored to be a part of such a great movie and I apologize to Jennifer and Sony for this big misunderstanding. Go see the movie this weekend! It’s fantastic!”

What do you mean you read? According to Us, that’s what you told them. Also, needing to be with your dogs is the dumbest excuse I’ve heard for not attending the premiere of your first and most likely last movie role. Can you maybe explain more, you idiot? Heidi needs to get her fame whore game in check. This is b-squad material. She’s lost a step now that Spencer left.

Heidi Montag may have a bit part in a movie with a couple A-list actors but that doesn’t give her credibility. Hence, why Jennifer Aniston banned her from the premiere of Just Go With It. Or so Heidi claims. Start your fabricated celebrity feud engines!

“I’m so upset,” the former reality star, 24, tells the new issue of Us Weekly (on stands now). “I was so excited! This is the first movie I’ve ever been in and I can’t walk the red carpet because Jennifer Aniston decided I was ‘too polarizing.’”

Montag, who renewed her vows with husband Spencer Pratt, 27, in November after their very public split adds that she had already designed her own dress for the event and made a deal with producers not to go to any events beforehand.

“I’ve been such a huge Jennifer Aniston fan my entire life and it’s just really upsetting that she would do this to me,” says Montag. “She should know how hard it is to make a career for yourself and to have someone like Jennifer Aniston go out of her way to make things hard for me is really disheartening.”

However a rep for Aniston, 41, claims she has no issues with the reality star. “This is absolutely false. Jennifer has nothing to do with who was or was not invited,” her rep tells Us

I really doubt Jennifer Aniston gives two sh*ts about whether or not Heidi Montag attends the same premiere as her. I bet if you ask Jennifer who Heidi Montag is, you’d have to cup your hands in front of your chest and giggle like an idiot for her to finally get it. Even if she did attend, she’d be at the tail end of the celebrity red carpet. She’d be so far in the tail end that all the photogs would have already left. The only person taking pictures of her would be that creepy fat kid with a rose.

File this under, “Whaaaaa?” According to RadarOnline, Heidi Montag, who’s now 90% plastic parts, was forced to turn down a role on Dancing With the Stars due to a contractual agreement she signed when working on The Hills.

The role was actually an offer to host the show back in 2008 before Brooke Burke took the job. A little later, she was asked to be a contestant but agreements with The Hills and I’m A Celebrity… Get Me Out Of Here! kept her from accepting again.

This was all pre-surgery of course and now it looks like she’ll never get another chance. A source explained, “It was before her surgeries and so I’m not sure if she wants to risk it now. She already took an elbow from a dancer on the set of her song, Overdosin’, and she’s scared of getting hurt.”

Why can’t they just have a guy with a portable welder on standby the entire time during the show. That way if Heidi’s nose or whatever gets knocked, it’ll take all of two minutes backstage to melt that sucker and shape it back.

For sympathy and a paycheck, Heidi Montag boo-hooed to Life & Style about the 10 plastic surgeries she willingly underwent that left her bruised and scarred for life. Heidi admits that parts of her body look worse than they did pre-surgery and exclaimed that this wasn’t what she signed up for. She also went through a exacerbating list of what the surgeries have done to her body.

The former Hills star reveals a series of unsightly scars, red inflammation and uneven body parts including: a 2-inch-long raised blemish under her chin from her chin reduction, two caterpillar-size bald spots along her hairline from a brow lift, a horrifying jagged line behind her ears from having her ears pinned back, lumpy legs and four spots left on her lower back and below the buttocks from botched liposuction, a bright-red mark inside her right nostril, uneven boobs, a stretched mark on her chest and deep scars around her nipples from a second boob job.

“The big dark mark from my chin reduction is probably the most noticeable. But the absolute worst is on my breasts, and the scariest is below my butt cheek.”

Heidi’s surgeries were done by Dr. Frank Ryan who died in a car crash in August and it seems Heidi still resents him for what he did because she added, “People have fewer scars from car accidents than I have on my body.” Aw, snap!

She says she wishes she had a time machine to take it all back but instead “I’m always going to feel like Edward Scissorhands.”

Poor Heidi but it’s her own damn fault for being Dr. Frankenstein’s masterpiece. I’ve seen the Lohans make better decisions than her.

Every time Heidi talks about this, I think of the Joker transformation scene from Batman.

Heidi Montag will no longer be looking to divorce Spencer Pratt because their fake divorce publicity plot has finally come to a close. The story is the two reunited in Costa Rica where they met to discuss the sex tape scandal. Realizing that everyone thinks they’re both vacuous douchebags, they figured it was best to stay together. Up next for the couple is a fake death stunt I have planned for them that they don’t know about and which will go horribly wrong. I hope the cops aren’t reading this.

Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag’s divorce may have been just for show. Shocking, I know. Pratt says his detainment in Costa Rica for “accidentally” bringing a 9MM and 45MM handgun and ammo on a flight has brought him closer to Heidi.

Montag stood by him during what he called the “wildest day ever of either of our lives” and sparked hope that she might drop her divorce filing, Pratt said Monday.

“It was clear we’re soulmates. I don’t see any reason we can’t get back on track,” he said in Los Angeles after Saturday’s incident.

Police in San Jose, Costa Rica, said the couple were briefly detained at the airport for illegal arms possession after security officers found two unloaded handguns in their luggage. Pratt and Montag hadn’t declared the weapons and lacked permits to have them in Costa Rica, police said.

She indicated Monday she might have a change of heart.

“As far as I’m concerned the last thing in the world after everything we have just been through is to go through with this divorce,” Montag said in a text message. “But we are just taking life second by second.”

So these two fame whores divorcing could have all been a scam to get people to pay attention to them. What? Not my Speidi! They wouldn’t do that. These are two of the most fine, upstanding and respectable people I’ve ever.. bwahahahaha. Sorry, I… I just couldn’t finish that with a straight face.

Heidi Montag is an imbecile. She’d probably be eating cardboard right now if someone hadn’t told her it’s not one of the four major food groups. She’s about as smart as Paris Hilton after a concussion. But at least she gives sound medical advice. Heidi tweeted a few hours ago, “Giving my self a soft tissue breast massage. Ladies we have to keep those implants soft.”

I don’t think that’s how it works. Er, I mean, that’s totally how it works, ladies. Remember to massage your implants every day to keep them soft. This technique works much better when you’re in public and is even more effective when you tilt your head back and moan. Something with the reverberations in your chest. Trust me. I watch a lot of medical dramas.

Heidi Montag has “pulled the kill switch” on negotiations with Vivid to release her sex tape. Sources say Spencer’s rep told Steven Hirsch of Vivid, “Heidi’s made it very clear that she is not interested in releasing any tapes. Spencer’s not interested in further destroying their relationship by pursuing an avenue she’s so vehemently against.”

Spencer’s rep also said negotiations reached the $5 million mark but that wasn’t enough to convince Heidi to release the tape. Heidi said she’d bring the legal team if Spencer kept pushing the issue.

Holy crap! Heidi Montag has… dignity? And no one can put a price on it? Whaaaaa?

Karissa Shannon finally admits to making a sex tape with Heidi Montag but swears that she never wanted anyone to see it.

While out to promote her new signature milkshake with boyfriend Sam Jones III at Millions of Milkshakes in West Hollywood on Thursday, Karissa confirmed to RadarOnline.com, “there is a sex tape of me and Heidi,” emphasizing that Spencer was not present when they shot it. “It’s just me and Heidi, that’s it,” she said.

She claims Spencer Pratt stole it from her and that this wasn’t a calculated plan to be the next Kim Kardashian.

“Me and Heidi were hanging out at her house in Malibu and he came over to pick up some stuff and he ‘accidentally’ took my camera,” Karissa told RadarOnline.com. “I talk to Heidi every single day and I tried to be there for her when she was going through her divorce, but now it’s starting to affect my life. Spencer had no right to steal my camera. There are other things on there that I don’t want to come out, including the video of me and Heidi.”

“I don’t know, I just wish I’d done it [the sex tape] with Lindsay Lohan,” she quipped. “At least it wouldn’t be on the market right now!”

Okay. She never wanted the tape to come out. So, instead of not making it in the first place or hiding it where no one can find it, she leaves it in the camera for anyone to pick up. Mm hmm. Right. Is every D-lister in Hollywood a lying whore or just these two?

Nine months ago, Heidi Montag underwent 10 plastic surgeries in one day. One of the procedures she had done was to pump her breasts up to a G-cup. Now, Heidi wants them out. Sad face.

Heidi tells Life & Style that “I’m desperate to go back to normal. I’m downgrading and going a little smaller, to a D or a double D.” She complains that her boobs are crushing her. “I have major anxiety about it. I was taking painkillers but they weren’t working so I stopped. It hurt either way.”

Her gigantic breasts make even normal day tasks difficult. For example, Heidi can’t hug her four dogs, wear anything but custom-made clothes or work out.

Heidi feels trapped in her own body and is currently shopping for a surgeon in South America, but she isn’t sure she’ll ever get out of her cartoonish body because the guy who did the surgery died in a car accident last week. “There’s just no fixing it,” she says. “Dr. Ryan knows the work he did, he knows everything.”

Aww, poor baby. We should all feel sorry for Heidi because she can’t live a normal life after choosing to get G-cups. She’s like those kids with cleft palates or that woman who got her face torn off by a chimpanzee. Just a victim of circumstance.

Are we supposed to feel even more sorry for her when she comes back from South America with two uneven tits? The only reason she’s going to go to South America is because she’s broke and over there she can barter one of her kidneys for the surgery. She might as well have someone in the states repeatedly punch her breasts until her chest flattens down to a DD because that’s the exact same thing they’re going to do there.