Almost 65-year-old Helen Mirren posed topless for New York Magazine to promote her new film Love Ranch or maybe just to be naked. Even though this is supposed to be artsy, I’m still disturbed. She looks like she was forced to pose for this by the employees at her retirement home.

In another of her earliest interviews, Mirren was quoted as saying, “I’m a would-be rebel—the good girl who’d like to be a bad one.” She says she continues, at heart, to be the good Catholic schoolgirl named Ilyena Vasilievna Mironov, who grew up in Essex, England, with a Russian father and an English mother. “It’s true! I haven’t grown out of that, have I?” she says, laughing. “I’m still the good girl who wants to be a bad girl. But I’ll never make it as a bad girl … I’m not a prude or a moralist and I never have been, but I’m too fearful, too much of a wimp, really.” When her husband tried to convince her to spend a night at the Mustang Ranch, Mirren refused. “I said, ‘Read my lips: I’m not going to spend a night in a brothel.’?” In the end, she dispensed with research and simply took direction. “It’s amazing how quickly you get into dildos everywhere and pink-feather handcuffs. Within an hour you’re completely used to it.”

Staring at a naked 65-year-old and reading about her and dildos is not how I want to spend my Tuesdays. Mostly because it’s way too sexy and the erection it has caused is much too painful. NSFW photo in the gallery. Ugh, so shriveled.

Helen Mirren did an interview with the Times Online’s Chrissy Iley that may upset women once again. Mirren talks about date rape, for the second time, and the competitiveness of females saying she’d rather want men in the jury for a date rape case than women and would rather be interviewed by a man because women are bitchy.

“No, it’s more that I prefer male journalists because there’s a streak of female journalism — the bitches — who are mean-spirited and nasty because you are another woman and want to make you feel crap. It’s very upsetting. I’m more careful when I’m being interviewed by a woman because, from experience as well as reading articles about other women, I know there is a little stiletto knife hidden behind the back.”

She’s laughing as she sizes me up. But she’s right. On the whole, women don’t like other women, because women are competitive with each other. She says: “In a rape case the courts in defence of a man would select as many women as they could for the jury, because women go against women. Whether in a deep-seated animalistic way, going back billions of years, or from a sense of tribal jealousy or just antagonism, I don’t know. But other women on a rape case would say she was asking for it. The only reason I can think of is that they’re sexually jealous.”

We’ve gone from talk of loving women to hating women in just a few seconds. We talk about jurors in rape cases saying the victim “asked for it”. “Yes. That is terribly unfair. And that used to happen, didn’t it, in those days.” She says this with concern, perhaps even empathy.

Helen Mirren is in a self-fulfilling prophecy because no doubt hordes of women will be condemning her theories on gender roles. To put this interview in different terms. The hole Helen dug for herself is now about 20 feet deep with no way out and it’s just started raining.

63-year-old Oscar winning actress Helen Mirren, in addition to shoplifting for food, used to love snorting coke every once in a while when she was young. That is until she discovered her habit was indirectly lining the pockets of Nazi war criminal Klaus Barbie, the butcher of Lyon.

“I loved coke. I never did a lot, just a little bit at parties,” Mirren was quoted as telling the magazine in an interview, which was made available to the media Monday. “But what ended it for me was when they caught (Nazi war criminal) Klaus Barbie, the Butcher of Lyon, in the early 80s. He was hiding in South America and living off the proceeds of being a cocaine baron.

“And I read that in the paper, and all the cards fell into place, and I saw how my little sniff of cocaine at a party had an absolute direct route to this … horrible man in South America,” she was quoted as saying.

Helen didn’t care about the damage to her lungs or nasal cavities and the possible heart attacks, strokes or convulsions. No, she cared about Klaus Barbie profiting from it. We’re a lot alike, Helen and I. Every time I buy weed from my dealer, I ask him if it’s been harvested off the backs of slaves (blood weed?). He always shakes his head, waves his pistol at me and tells me to check myself. Such a nice man. Always concerned about whether my fly is down or not. But why is he always looking there? It’s a bit unseemly.

62-year-old Helen Mirren is vacationing in Puglia, Italy where she defied all logic and wore a bikini to the beach. In truth, she doesn’t look that bad for 62. If I was really drunk, desperate, blindfolded and the last man on Earth, I’d hit it.

61-year-old Helen Mirren received a standing ovation when she told airport passengers that she didn’t wear underwear at the Oscars. She went on to spend 20 minutes signing autographs and taking pictures with fans.

Dame Helen took the Christian LaCroix gold gown on to the show and giggled as she clutched her boobs: “It was all made for me so I didn’t have to have any underwear. “It fitted me like two angels’ hands. I cried when I put it on – it’s a work of art.”

This put a stunning visual in my head. To anyone whose body did not shiver with glee, there must be something wrong with you and your sexual organs. Face it. A pantiless Helen Mirren is like the cherry on top of a sexy ice cream sundae.