Holly Madison appears topless during portions of her Vegas show and that was reason enough to insure her implants for $1 million with Lloyd’s of London. What the. I don’t even…

“I’ve heard about people getting body parts insured and I thought, why not?, because if anything happened to my boobs, I’d be out for a few months and I’d probably be out a million dollars,” she said. “I thought I’d cover my assets.”

“I think it’s kind of funny. I think they’re getting the credit they deserve,” she said. “They’re my primary money makers right now.” PEOPLE

First of all, I didn’t know you could insure fake breasts that probably cost about $20k to replace. Lloyd’s of London must be suckers.

Secondly, $1 million for a few months of work? A few months? What kind of accident would mangle her breasts enough to put her out for a few months. Is she taming tit hungry lions on the side?

Holly Madison did an interview with Keltie Colleen and one of the subjects they touched on was Hugh Hefner’s engagement to Crystal Harris.

Note that Holly and Hugh’s relationship ended 3 years ago and Hugh got engaged half a year ago but people still ask her what she thinks about Hugh’s engagement to this day because one of the supposed reasons for the breakup was Hugh wouldn’t marry her. Well, apparently marriage isn’t that important to her now.

I think focusing on your own goals and things you had to give up to make time for a relationship puts a massively positive spin on being single. In the case of the engagement, I worry about people I care about making the right choices, but I want everyone to be happy. The hardest part for me personally, was that everyone expected me to be devastated, because Girls Next Door was such a beloved show that is still re-running like crazy all over the world. People forget that I left that relationship almost 3 years ago and have been through rough relationships and breakups since then. Would I like to be married someday? Perhaps, though I’m more concerned about having children in the future than getting married. Marriage is not the best thing that can happen to you, as a woman. If I woke up one morning and discovered I was getting married (be it to anyone) and that everything I’d accomplished for myself in the last few years was all a dream, I’d be devastated!

I’d give up on marriage too if I was young and hot and a 80-year-old guy on his deathbed rejected me. Actually, I’d take it more as an insult than anything else. I mean, really? The guy needs to prop his penis up with Popsicle sticks and he’s the one that says no? That could kill anyone’s self-esteem.

As mentioned before, Holly Madison left Hugh Hefner because she couldn’t get a ring out of him. She even dated Criss Angel to make him jealous. A pretty poor plan if you think about it because Hugh could just find comfort in the breasts of another DD blonde. Which he did, apparently. Anyway, Holly is pretty broken up about the engagement.

Meanwhile, Hef’s ex — longtime galpal Holly Madison of “Girls Next Door” TV show fame — is said to be very upset about the engagement announcement. She long tried to snare a proposal from Hefner herself.

“She can’t believe Crystal was able to get Hef to agree to something she had tried for so long,” said a source close to Hefner.

Even after Madison’s fling with magician Criss Angel — supposedly done to make Hefner jealous — and Hefner’s plea for her to come back to him, he still never proposed marriage or gave her a ring.

The Sun Times does mention that there’s a good chance Hugh won’t go through with the marriage and that if he does, his prenup will be iron clad. They actually said, “That prenup will be tighter than Cher’s most recent facelift!” Aww, snap. Cher burn.

Here’s Holly Madison at the launch of Camp Vegas. I don’t know what that is but it seems as long as Holly and her big breasts were there, it’d be a good time. We’d have a great conversation. Her breasts and I. “Oh, no way! You went to Harvard too? Tell me more,” I’d lie as I stared at them longingly.

I totally forgot Holly Madison was dating Benji Madden. And for good reason. They’re boring and Holly doesn’t even show her breasts anymore unless you pay her $80 so Holly wanting to move in with Benji isn’t that big of a shock. A source said:

“Benji cares very much for Holly. They have been talking about living together.”

Benji may be looking to settle down with Holly, as he recently revealed he is worried he is getting old.

The guitarist said he can never trust college students because of the way they look and talk, but realises his statement makes him sound like a grumpy old man.

He tweeted: “College kids with their big words and their sandals and their funny hair. I don’t trust ‘em (sic).”

He then wrote: “Last tweet=sure sign that I’m getting old. FVCK (sic).”

Wait, did Benji Madden of Good Charlotte just comment on how college kids dress? That’s ironic considering Benji still dresses like a loner goth kid from high school. I’d sooner trust a hitchhiker standing in the middle of the road carrying an axe and a severed head than Benji Madden.

Holly Madison attended the premiere of Viva Elvis at Aria in Vegas. This was a good idea because Holly Madison has big tits. Guys like that and would endure two hours of people in tights spinning down from the ceiling if it meant they had a chance to see them.

Although it’d probably be smart for Cirque du Soleil to not tell people Holly Madison has nothing to do with the production and that if you want to see her naked, you should watch Peepshow. Just put a picture of Holly under your ad. Also, make sure the cast leaves before guys figure this out and start rioting.

Holly Madison celebrated her 30th birthday at Jet in Vegas over the weekend. Asked how it felt to be the big 3-0, Holly said she was still young on the inside. Specifically her breasts. They’re only 12.

Here’s Holly Madison at Pink’s in Vegas last Friday. And here’s Holly moments after I pulled my pants down. Call me, ladies!

I sat here for a good 10  minutes giggling over that header photo of Holly about to eat a hot dog. People say I’m immature. I just like to think that I can find the penis humor in everything. No homo.

Look at Holly Madison. She’s doing something fun and unexpected. She’s marrying the Travelocity gnome. She’s not even wearing pants in a few photos! Isn’t this humorous? Ha ha. It is because she’s pretty and he’s a small, inanimate plastic lawn ornament that high school kids steal. Women like her are usually known for marrying half-dead, old, rich people and not plastic gnomes! This ad works on so many levels.

After Rihanna hit up TAO on the 4th, Holly Madison made an appearance on the 5th. I was told that after a hard day of celebrating its independence, America just wanted to sit back and stare at some tits.

That’s when America touched me. Not emotionally, but in a creepy old man way. Like it wanted something from me that I wasn’t prepared to give. You know what? I don’t want to talk about it. *Goes to cry in the shower*

Holly Madison hosted the world’s largest bikini parade yesterday which was confirmed by the Guinness Book of World Records. She led 281 women down the Vegas strip and then went to the pool at what seemed like 2 PM to mark the end of another successful day. So to answer your question, no, Holly Madison doesn’t have a job yet.

The Sun has it on good authority that Russel Brand and Holly Madison are so totally doing it. The two met in Vegas courtesy of an Jay-Z afterparty for the Pacman/Hatton fight. Cites a source:

“Russell has really hit it off with Holly. She’s a big star in the US, which he finds really attractive.

“And his constant tomfoolery has her in stitches. Russ has been making late-night visits to her home in the Hollywood Hills.

“He’s been there three times in the past week and neighbours have heard them ‘enjoying themselves’ loudly.”

This is not interesting and interesting at the same time. Russell is pretty much getting sloppy seconds from Hugh Hefner and Criss Angel. That’s pretty gross if you think about it. A geriatric whose slept with most of the Playboy centerfolds and some dude who does douchebaggy magic tricks. Wrinkly balls aside, how does Russell know Angel didn’t cast a spell on her vagina. How does he know one night when they’re having sex a rabbit won’t pop out of her vadge and another night it won’t turn into a penis. He should consider it. Especially that last one. To me, that would be sort of a deal breaker.

Hugh Hefner has refuted reports that he’s still pining for ex-lover Holly Madison. Hef insists he’s in love with that new girl he randomly picked, what’s her name, Crystal Harris. Oh and the Shannon Twins. The Playboy owner says he wouldn’t trade them for any past girlfriend.

Hefner told Us Weekly that he has “no idea where these crazy stories come from,” adding, “it was invented by someone to create publicity.”

At his age, I’d be happy with any 20-year-old in Playboy who’s willing to have sex with me. You hear that ladies? I won’t discriminate. I only ask that you be willing to sit with me in my rocking chair on my front porch and yell at the neighborhood kids to “get off my lawn” with me.