Respect!

Over the weekend, Jessica Alba’s kid felt her up while she was being carried around Brentwood. It was depressing. I’ve been trying to do this for six years and this kid does it in one. What a show-off. Well, at least I’m happy knowing that I can bathe myself and I don’t have to have Jessica do it for me. Haha, loooser. Hey, wait a minute. Aww, crap. You lucky bitch.

OK! Magazine got the first shots of Jessica Alba’s baby girl, Honor Marie Warren, and the first interview. Score! In the new issue, Alba describes the birth. She says It was quiet. Perhaps, maybe a little too quiet.

“I didn’t scream. It was really Zen.” And Cash could only marvel at his wife’s quiet strength when she gave birth. “She didn’t make a sound,” he says. “It was amazing.”

“The labor was more like meditation,” she says. “I did yoga breathing. I was focused.”

To be fair, I was in the room when she was giving birth. My beauty has been known to put people in stunned silence.

Under the cut, the Spanish version.

Jessica Alba declined initial offers to whore out her baby, but ultimately relented when OK! Magazine offered $1.5 million to put her daughter, Honor Marie Warren, on their cover. TMZ has the details:

We’re hearing the two-part deal consists of pictures of the baby now, and one other “event” — Christmas, Thanksgiving, vacation, etc. Our spy said Jessica initially turned down the offers of several weekly mags, not wanting to sell, but eventually caved.

For that kind of money, she better be giving out hand jobs to every guy on staff at OK! or at least let them graze her boob with their arm.