Lindsay Lohan’s Playboy pictorial leaked online last Friday which caused Hugh Hefner to release the issue ahead of schedule. Hugh tweeted, “Because of the interest & the internet leak, we’re releasing the Lindsay Lohan issue early.” He added, “due to high demand, the Playboy issue with Lindsay Lohan’s pictorial is now available on iPlayboy.”

Playboy invested a million into Lindsay’s Marilyn Monroe spread and I guess it’s paying off even though sales may have been affected by the leak. Though I suspect the publicity far outweighs the loss in sales since most of the people who saw it were never going to buy the issue in the first place. It also doesn’t help that when people saw the photos, they were filled with vast indifference.

Welcome, Google visitor. Sorry to have tricked you but Hugh Hefner did not flop dead on a table. No, he’s joining in on the dying trend of planking according to live-in prostitute Anna Sophia Berglund. Although I bet everyone got a little worried when Hugh didn’t get up after the picture was taken. Don’t worry. He was just napping as old people are prone to do.

Crystal Harris recently went on Howard Stern and said Hugh Hefner sucked at sex, only did it with him once and he only lasted two seconds. What’s the head of Playboy, a conglomerate in the business of selling sex, to do? Why, tell a bunch of his hookers employees to refute these claims.

“I’ve heard girls say they have a lot of fun in there,” says Hiromi Oshima, a Playmate who spoke to PEOPLE during Playboy TV’s “TV for 2″ party Tuesday night at the Playboy Mansion.

In fact, many Playmates were quick to defend Hefner after his ex-fiancée Crystal Harris said on Howard Stern’s radio show that her only sexual encounter with the 85-year-old Playboy founder lasted “like two seconds.”

Well, I heard Hef is hung like a donkey, literally, and the Viagra isn’t because he can’t get it up, it’s because he wants to do it at least 10 times a day. I hear his thrust is so powerful he once speared a Playmate through the headboard and drywall. And his semen so potent, that he needs a double-layered condom so his sperm doesn’t tear through. He is so much man!

Yesterday, Hugh Hefner’s ex-fiancee, Crystal Harris, opened up to Howard Stern about sex with Hef. It wasn’t flattering and she claims they only did it once. Crystal said, “[It lasted] like two seconds. Then I was just over it. I was like, ‘Ahh,’ I was over it, just like, walked away. I’m not turned on by Hef. Sorry.” She added that instead of sex, Hef just liked to cuddle. Aw, Hugh Hefner is a widdle cuddle bwear.

Basically, agreeing to marry Hef for a brief moment was a ploy to squeeze as much publicity from this relationship as possible. What a sweet girl.

Hef, not wanting his old withered ball sack dragged through the mud, responded in a series of since deleted tweets. Hef says Crystal played him. Wait, wasn’t that obvious from the start? 25-year-olds don’t marry 85-year-olds out of love. Apparently with age does not come wisdom. That or he was blinded by love and Viagra.

- The sex with Crystal the first night was good enough so that I kept her over two more nights.

- Crystal lied about our relationship on Howard Stern but I don’t know why.

- When I said, “I missed a bullet” when Crystal left, I didn’t mean I didn’t love her. I meant I realized she really didn’t love me.

- I feel sorry for Crystal. She seems lost.

- Crystal convinced me that she adored me. That was the first lie.

- I’m happy to be in a better place with new girlfriends Anna Sophia Berglund & Shera Bechard. (via Dlisted)

Oh, whatever. The dude is near death. I’d be surprised if even Viagra could give him an erection. Ghosts probably shoot out of his wang when he comes.

Besides using Hugh Hefner for publicity, breaking up with him the same day her single dropped and banging Dr. Phil’s son behind Hef’s back, Crystal Harris had an alternate plan to ditch Hugh at the alter in front of 300 guests for a tv special and shop around an exclusive interview for $500,000.

“Crystal wanted to ditch Hef at the altar. Her plan was to walk up the aisle and say she couldn’t go through with it. The wedding was to be filmed for a reality special, and her refusal to marry him would be a sensation. She was looking for a tie-in deal of around $500,000 for the exclusive ‘I ditched Hef at the altar’ interview. While there was interest, Crystal didn’t get an offer anywhere near half a million.” [Page Six]

I don’t know why Hugh wouldn’t want to marry Crystal Harris. She would have been a great wife. I bet if Hugh ever had to breathe with an oxygen tank, Crystal would crimp the tube because his wheezing was drowning out her program.

Playboy never got around to changing the cover of their new issue which still introduces “America’s Princess, Mrs. Crystal Hefner.” I doubt anyone notices though because they just skip to the boobs.

In related news, Crystal Harris told Ryan Seacrest that Hugh Hefner didn’t want to get married again anyway. Crystal then said the Playboy lifestyle wasn’t for her and wants to focus on her music career. Coincidentally, her single dropped the same day she and Hef broke off the engagement. Just call her Captain Publicity Whore, Commander of the SS I Hope My Boobs Distract From My Voice.

“I called it off because I didn’t think it was the right thing for me to do,” Harris told Seacrest this morning. “It was mutual between Hef and I, there was no fight, we sat down and we talked about it.”

“For a while I’ve been having second thoughts about everything. I haven’t really been at peace with myself lately. I didn’t think it was really fair to him…They were gonna air a show on it. It was al happening too fast for me.”

I feel sad for Hugh. What kind of man wants to die alone surrounded by a bunch of big breasted blondes waiting for their turn to ride him? What a sad, miserable life. Just terrible.

Luckily his former Playmates were there to comfort him:

“Just stopped by the mansion 2 give @hughhefner a hug. He seems to be handling this well. He even had a sense of humor about it! #LoveUHef” — Bridget Marquardt

“@hughhefner we r comin over w some jack n coke… oh n a pipe lol” (Note: This has since been deleted. I can’t imagine why.) — Kendra Wilkinson

“U r too sweet. Wish I was there to support, too! RT @KendraWilkinson: @hughhefner we r comin over w some jack n coke… oh n a pipe lol” (And that’s how you toss a bitch under the bus. RETWEET, HO!) — Holly Madison

By the way, Holly Madison couldn’t make it because she’s been cackling non-stop for the past two days.

Crystals’ single:

Crystal Harris has called off the wedding with Hugh Hefner 5 days before the nuptials and has already left the Playboy Mansion.

Sources inside the mansion say the two had a nasty argument over the weekend on the phone. When all was said and done, Crystal nixed the wedding and moved out. She probably found out there was no prenup because Hugh’s fortune consisted of a stack of old Playboys under his bed.

Somewhere out there Holly Madison is smiling and doing cartwheels through a field of daisies and telling Hugh to “suck it.”

Another tell-all about life at the Playboy mansion was released with excerpts detailing Hugh Hefner’s weekly sex parties, the dirty living conditions, being paid like whores out of a safe from Hugh’s bedroom and Hugh’s refusal to wear a condom.

In an interview with The Daily Beast, Hugh responded to the book claiming it’s “self-serving semi-fiction!” Hugh says the only reason the book, which was written almost a decade ago, came out is because of his recent engagement to Crystal Harris. He also refuted claims that Izabella St. James, real name Izabella Kasprzyk, chose to leave. Hugh says she was kicked out because she didn’t get along with the other girls. “She was in conflict with some of the nicer girls like Holly and Bridget [Marquardt, along with Kendra Wilkinson, another E! Channel fave], and I kind of cleaned house.” He’d also like to clarify a few other things.

On paying each of his girlfriends $1,000 a week in cash out of the safe in his bedroom: “That part is true. If you write it and make it sound sleazy, that’s easy to do. But the girls got a clothing allowance.”

On the strict 9 PM curfew: “That was also true—and widely publicized. It wasn’t a big secret.” Why the curfew? Hef laughs: “So they wouldn’t be running around on me!”

On Hugh handing out Quaaludes to the girls to get them horny: “If she was taking Quaaludes, she was taking them on her own. I wasn’t supplying drugs to the girls.”

On Hugh’s strict Viagra regimen where he keeps an eye on the clock after taking the pill so he’d know when he’d have to leave the club to have sex: “The description of the Viagra thing is a fantasy that reflects an ignorance in terms of the use of Viagra. Once you take Viagra, you don’t have to be looking at a watch. Viagra takes about an hour to kick in, but lasts for about half a day… It simply permits normal sexual activity.”

On testing for STDs: “Nobody in the group had sexually transmitted diseases. I was very careful and very concerned about taking care of everybody in terms of sexually transmitted disease. Absolutely there was testing. One of the things that can be pointed out is that over all the years of extensive sexual activity, nobody ever got pregnant, and nobody was having any serious problems with diseases. The only time anybody ever got pregnant in a relationship with me was the two times I was married.”

On refusing to wear a condom: “I think one of the ways that you resolve that problem is to have sex with people who don’t have sexually transmitted diseases.”

So, you see, this book is an obvious smear campaign except for the 90% of if that’s true. Also, to be clear, paying the girls $1,000 cash each week like whores sounds worse than it really is. There was no mention of the generous clothing allowance. I mean, hookers don’t get cash AND clothes. Do they?

The std testing Hugh’s talking about is probably just a spot check. Hugh just puts on his bifocals and inspects their vag before giving the thumbs up or thumbs down like a king at a gladiator challenge.

Another former Playboy Playmate, this time Izabella St. James, released a tell-all about what goes on inside Hugh Hefner’s Playboy mansion. It’s nothing like you imagine. More akin to a personal brothel than the Garden of Eden.

Izabella was invited by Hugh to live with him and seven other girlfriends in 2002. Being 26 at the time and a law grad, she naturally accepted his offer. Little did she know what she was in for. Muahaha. Er, sorry.

On her living conditions:
‘Each ­bedroom had mismatched, random pieces of furniture,’ she recalls in her autobiography Bunny Tales. ‘It was as if someone had gone to a charity shop and bought the basics for each room. Although we all did our best to decorate our rooms and make them homely, the mattresses on our beds were ­disgusting — old, worn and stained. The sheets were past their best, too.

‘Eventually I persuaded Hef to pay for a new mattress and bed linen — but I had to turn in every single receipt before I was reimbursed. Hef also eventually permitted us to have the rooms painted and recarpeted. But for some reason he insisted on creamy, white-coloured carpets. He liked the girlfriends’ rooms to look very girly, all white carpet and pink walls. It looked great at first, but with two dogs (most of the girlfriends had pets that lived in their rooms — I had two pugs), butlers delivering food, dirty shoes and occasional spillages, the carpet was grey and stained in a matter of months.’

On Hugh’s non-house-trained dogs:
‘But then Hef was used to dirty carpets. The one in his bedroom had not been changed for years, and things became significantly worse when Holly Madison moved into his room with him as Girlfriend No. 1 soon after I moved in, bringing her two dogs.

‘They weren’t house-trained and would just do their business on the bedroom carpet. Late at night, or in the early hours of the morning — if any of us visited Hef’s bedroom — we’d almost always end up standing in dog mess.

‘Everything in the Mansion felt old and stale, and Archie the house dog would regularly relieve himself on the hallway curtains, adding a powerful whiff of urine to the general scent of decay.’

On being treated like whores:
‘Every Friday morning we had to go to Hef’s room, wait while he picked up all the dog poo off the carpet — and then ask for our allowance: a thousand dollars counted out in crisp hundred-dollar bills from a safe in one of his bookcases,’ she says.

‘We all hated this process. Hef would always use the occasion to bring up anything he wasn’t happy about in the relationship. Most of the complaints were about the lack of harmony among the girlfriends — or your lack of sexual participation in the “parties” he held in his bedroom.

On Hugh cracking that whip:
‘If we’d been out of town for any reason and missed one of the official “going out” nights [When Hefner liked to parade his girls at nightclubs] he wouldn’t want to give us the allowance. He used it as a weapon.’

On their curfew:
‘Strictest of all was the curfew. Everyone had to be on the Mansion grounds by 9pm every night — unless we were out with Hef at a club or a function. People honestly did not believe us when we told them we had a curfew at the wild and crazy Playboy Mansion.’

On their two nights of freedom and Hugh’s aphrodisiacs:
Freedom of a kind came on Wednesdays and Fridays, the official nights out, which were the prelude to the twice-weekly sex parties in Hefner’s bedroom.

‘Quaaludes were supposed to give you a nice buzz,’ says Izabella St James. ‘Hef told me once that they were meant to put girls in the mood for sex.’

On the sex parties:
‘There was no protection and no testing for sexually transmitted ­diseases,’

‘I wanted to see if this experienced King of Sexdom knew anything the rest of us did not,’ she recalls. ‘But he just lay there like a dead fish.

‘We often wondered why he did it at all. He must know deep down that it is just a show. But he is trying to live out this fantasy he has been selling to people since 1954. He wants to live up to the Playboy image he created and the expectations people have of him.’

This makes the Playboy mansion sound absolutely depressing. The girls there are pretty much sex slaves with slightly better living conditions and have a $52,000 salary. Why, if I wasn’t so turned on right now, I’d do something about it.

As mentioned before, Holly Madison left Hugh Hefner because she couldn’t get a ring out of him. She even dated Criss Angel to make him jealous. A pretty poor plan if you think about it because Hugh could just find comfort in the breasts of another DD blonde. Which he did, apparently. Anyway, Holly is pretty broken up about the engagement.

Meanwhile, Hef’s ex — longtime galpal Holly Madison of “Girls Next Door” TV show fame — is said to be very upset about the engagement announcement. She long tried to snare a proposal from Hefner herself.

“She can’t believe Crystal was able to get Hef to agree to something she had tried for so long,” said a source close to Hefner.

Even after Madison’s fling with magician Criss Angel — supposedly done to make Hefner jealous — and Hefner’s plea for her to come back to him, he still never proposed marriage or gave her a ring.

The Sun Times does mention that there’s a good chance Hugh won’t go through with the marriage and that if he does, his prenup will be iron clad. They actually said, “That prenup will be tighter than Cher’s most recent facelift!” Aww, snap. Cher burn.

Holly Madison and Hugh Hefner presumably split because he would never marry her. Well, Holly might want to cover her ears and go “lalalalala” because Hugh, 84, asked current Playmate girlfriend Crystal Harris, 24, to marry him on Christmas eve. This will be his third marriage.

“After the movie tonight, Crystal & I exchanged gifts. I gave Crystal a ring. A truly memorable Christmas Eve,” Hefner, 84, wrote. “When I gave Crystal the ring, she burst into tears. This is the happiest Christmas weekend in memory.”

Later, he clarified, “Yes, the ring I gave Crystal is an engagement ring. I didn’t mean to make a mystery out of it. A very merry Christmas to all.”

Crystal might be a little less happy when she finds out Hugh didn’t leave what’s left of his fortune to her in his will. In fact, that feeling of hitting the jackpot might turn into downright sadness when all she gets from his death is a pack of expired condoms and a used feeling.

A shareholder is suing Hugh Hefner alleging he loves banging blondes more than he loves running a successful company. In 1999, Playboy stock was at $36 a share. Today it closed at $3.14. The shareholder claims the company is going down faster than Paris Hilton at a industry party and that Hugh sabotaged two promising deals in the last 6 months to sell at a fair price.

In the lawsuit, an investment company that analyzed Playboy’s business sent a note stating “we think the wildcard here is Hugh Hefner.” The note continues, “If you were Hugh Hefner, 81, would you give up the parade of busty blonds, the fancy mansion and the reality TV show for a payout?”

The suit goes on … “Hefner has continued to live the good life and make sure everyone knows it. Hefner remains in the limelight, showing up at media events and at the Playboy mansion … with his girlfriends by his side.”

No way Hugh is giving up his lifestyle. I wouldn’t either. He’s 81 and still dating 20-somethings and living in a mansion. This is like a guy’s fairytale come true. The only thing cooler than this would be being able to have sex with them without falling asleep midway through. And also maybe owning a 10 story fire-breathing robot.

Hugh Hefner and his now ex-girlfriends, twins Kristina and Karissa Shannon, will go their separate ways. Well, they’ve been going their separate ways what with them having sex with people not named Hugh Hefner, but now it’s official and they’re moving out. From OK!:

“You have to consider that these girls are only 20 years old,” a source tells OK!. “The twins were there for the ride. They just care about themselves.”

Hefner said he initially suggested the move, which is expected to be within the next couple of weeks, and that Kristina and Karissa will now be “friends” as opposed to having the official title of “girlfriends.”

One of the reasons — and possibly a clear indicator — for the twins’ departure from the famous Holmby Hills home was their relationship to the 83-year-old nudie magazine mogul.

According to the source, “it was not a secret the twins were sleeping around” while living under Hef’s roof.

“From what I heard, the twins were not sleeping with Hef,” the source continues. “And Hef didn’t really seem to care. He would let them get away with murder. They did whatever they wanted.”

Hugh Hefner is now down to one girlfriend, 23-year-old Crystal Harris, who’s weeping right now because she’ll no longer be able to divide the “sleeping next to Hugh Hefner and hoping you don’t wake up to find him dead next to you” time amongst three people anymore. It’s all you, baby!