A week ago, grainy black and white stills from the Hulk Hogan sex tape that was purportedly being shopped around in early March showed up on The Dirty (NSFW). The stills show a man who definitely looks like Hulk Hogan WITH his signature bandanna banging some chick and then getting a beej by her.

During the time that news broke that the tape was being shopped, Hulk claimed that he had no idea who the girl in the tape was due to a 4 month alcohol binge that led him to bang a lot of women. Well, as luck would have it, the internet is full of perverted would-be sleuths. There’s now a strong consensus that the woman Hulk is having sex with is Bubba the Love Sponge’s (radio DJ) ex-wife and the place where they’re doing it is in Bubba the Love Sponge’s very own bedroom. This could also explain how this was secretly videotaped and why it’s being leaked. Revenge. No one wants to see a guy finishing off in his wife’s mouth while he coos “I am a real American.”

As is always the case, Hulk Hogan is now threatening to sue unless all the stills are expunged from the web. A laughable prospect considering once something finds its way onto the internet, there’s no way of getting rid of it. Sort of like herpes. Or Kim Kardashian.

Since his divorce, Hulk Hogan has seduced so many women with his banana hammock that he doesn’t even remember who he’s slept with much less the name of the girl in that sex tape being shopped around.

Hulk called into TMZ and told them that before he met his current wife Jennifer, he went on a 4-month alcohol binge where he banged a lot of women. ”During that time, I don’t even remember people’s names, much less girls.” Hulk says he hasn’t had sex with another women since meeting Jennifer 5 years ago so the tape must be at least that old. He also has no idea who’s selling it but warns ”If anyone goes forward with this thing, we’re gonna find ‘em and we’re gonna prosecute.”

I think that warning would be more effective if Hulk cut it as a wrestling promo. “Brother, I’m telling you, if you go forward. Oooooo. Hulkamania WILL run wild on you.” *Tears off shirt* *Does a leg drop off top turnbuckle*

In all seriousness, whoever is selling that tape must be desperate. The last thing I’d want to do is sleep with Hulk Hogan. The very last thing I’d want to do is tell the world I slept with Hulk Hogan. I’d rather be caught masturbating in a department store dressing room. In the kids section. Or photographed gently rubbing lotion all over my daughter’s taint. Oh, wait.

A sex tape featuring Hulk Hogan is reportedly being shopped to every major porn studio in the San Fernando Valley. At least that’s where I assume all the major porn studios are. TMZ has seen a snippet of the grainy video and says Hulk can be seen getting naked with an unidentified brunette who is neither his ex-wife Linda or his current wife Brooke Hogan Jennifer McDaniel.

Hulk has responded saying the tape was secretly filmed without his permission. Hulk’s lawyer says, “Terry Bollea is appalled at the unauthorized release of a secretly filmed video. [Hulk] neither approved of the filming nor the release of the same. It is clearly an outrageous invasion of privacy and breach of trust if it is genuine. We will take all necessary steps to enforce both civil and criminal liability.”

Until this gets sorted out, you can satiate your desire to see how this tape plays out with TMZ’s quick recap.

In the clip, Hulk pulls his shirt off and brags to his companion, “I started to work out again.” Hulk then runs his hands through his blonde hair like he always does.

The best part … Hulk’s thong-shaped tan line.

What’s the over/under on whether or not Hulk Hogan screams, “Watcha gonna do when Hulkamania runs wild on you?!,” right before he finishes all over her?

Back in August, Linda Hogan perpetuated the rumor that Hulk Hogan carried on a gay relationship with with fellow wrestler Brutus Beefcake. The story made an appearance in her book Wrestling the Hulk. Linda also wrote that the Hulkster ran wild on her on more than one occasion. Hulk Hogan has now filed a defamation lawsuit saying these are all lies.

“After the four-year crazy divorce I thought I’d heard everything I could hear in the courtroom. Then, all of a sudden she says I abused her, that I was violent. She told everybody that I was a homosexual.”

“If any of that was true, I would admit it, and (if) I was a homosexual I would embrace it. It’s just so crazy to hear, so I have a real problem with it… If you’re going to say I’m something that I’m not to try to ruin my career and my livelihood… I have to answer her back. It’s so ridiculous. I don’t mean to laugh about it, because it’s not funny. But it’s insane. It doesn’t make any sense to me.” Telegraph

Hogan then explained that just because he and Brutus were besties, it didn’t make their relationship gay and that, sometimes, wrestlers just had to share and sniff each others jockstraps. Okay, I made that up but it could be true.

That’s Brooke Hogan in a bikini up top because I got lazy searching for Hulk Hogan pictures.

Hulk Hogan has a new reality show. Thankfully, this time it’s not about Brooke Hogan’s tuck. This time it’s about midgets. Wrestling. It’s a reality show market that I’ve always said had long been overlooked. Who’s laughing now, guy at Starbucks who I thought was a network exec because he was wearing a suit? According to the truTV press release,

Hulk Hogan, one of the legendary stars of pro wrestling, believes you need to start small if you want to win big. Now he’s lending his expertise to the new Micro Championship Wrestling (MCW), where he provides little wrestlers with advice, guidance and training. With Hulk’s unique insight the wrestlers have the support of a legend and the chance of a lifetime. From the top of the ropes to inside the tour bus, this series takes viewers inside all of the insane action, conflict and drama that it takes to create a pro wrestling league from scratch.

The great thing about Hulk’s advice is it isn’t height specific. For example, he’ll teach them where to stick the needle full of steroids so no one will suspect (in the butt), how to cycle so they can beat drug tests and how to find a girlfriend that looks like your daughter.

I hope all the props in this show are miniature too from the mini-wrestling ring to the mini-steel chairs that they hit each other over the head with. It’ll be adorable!

Note: Brooke in a bikini was the first thing that came up when I searched for a picture of Hulk Hogan so that’s what you’re getting.

I always picture pro wrestlers as slightly homophobic. Sure, they play grapple with each other in tights, probably shower together and run around naked whipping each other with rat tails, but I imagine if one of them even grazes another’s penis just once, it’s fag this fag that because manly men don’t touch other dudes’ wangs. So I take this rumor with a grain of salt.

Linda Hogan was on Matty P’s Radio Happy Hour where she was asked a question taken from a fan email. It alleged Hulk Hogan carried on an “intimate relationship” with Brutus Beefcake. Linda needed publicity for her book so she said,

“Wow, I don’t know how to answer this, so I don’t end up getting a lawsuit,” she said, laughing. “A little bird told me, ‘Yes they think they did.’”

To be fair, Brutus Beefcake is a pretty gay name so I can see why someone would think that. It’s like being a kid named Scooter. How can you not expect someone to steal your lunch money?

Brooke Hogan has responded to those rumors that she and her dad are in some sort of “perverted relationship.” Just because Hulk Hogan celebrated his 58th birthday at Brooke’s nude PETA exhibition and helped sunscreen her butt crack, doesn’t mean anything weird is going on.

“Im SO sick of people saying me and my dad are in some perverted relationship! Go home and do your own thing! Stop picking on me!”

“I’d LOVE to see these foul-mouthed haters run their mouth to my face. They’d be shaking in their little boots. #tallbadbitch”

She’s right. It’s not creepy to give her dad a kiss while his girlfriend who looks like Brooke’s doppelganger does the same thing. Not like there was tongue or anything.

Hulk Hogan celebrated his 58th birthday on Thursday at an art gallery of PETA’s newest exhibit titled “Women in Cages” which features a nude Brooke Hogan in a pet crate. To any normal dad, this would have been slightly uncomfortable, but Hulk isn’t a normal dad. See, when Brooke asks him to put sunscreen on her, he’s the kind of loving father that’ll get all up in there.

The exhibit itself was pretty lame though. PETA wanted to draw a parallel between putting humans in crates and putting animals in crates. This would have made a lot more sense if they gave Brooke a crate that fit her instead of stuffing her in there like her dad’s hand in her ass.

Anyway, the birthday celebration included cake and Hulk getting kissed by his 20-year-old daughter and 20-year-old girlfriend. Is it creepy that I can’t tell which is Brooke and which is Jennifer McDaniel? Also, when does he ask for the threesome? Before or after the cake?

Linda Hogan has a new memoir out, Wrestling the Hulk: My Life Against the Ropes, and she appeared on Today Tuesday to talk about it. Well, part of her autobiography talked about how abusive Hulk Hogan was which Linda attributed to Hulk’s constant dependence on prescribed medication such as pain pills, anti-inflammatories and steroids. Combined, “it makes somebody… you don’t know what you’re dealing with.”

“[Hulk] tore my shirt. He threw lamps. He held me down on the bed with his hands around my throat during arguments, slamming doors, pounding walls,” she writes. “I was always afraid he would kill me in one of his rages.”

When anchor Matt Lauer asked Linda if her then-husband would apologize once his anger subsided, she replied, “He did not feel remorse, and to this day he’s never apologized for any of actions. That is something that scared me. I did not want to be a statistic like Nicole Simpson

Linda decided to keep quiet about her husband’s rage issues because “I was afraid to say anything. Had I said something, the carpet would have been pulled up underneath his career. I don’t know what my kids would have done. They were little at the time. It’s a very scary position. You don’t know how far they’re going to go. One fight can escalate and turn into something else.” [Us]

*Cues “I Am a Real American”, runs to Matt Lauer, hits him with steel chair, tears shirt in half, tears Linda’s shirt in half* I wonder if before every hissy fit Hulk threw, he asked Linda what she would do if Hulkamania runs wild on her. If he did, do you think the answer would have always been “go into the fetal position and cry?” I’m assuming it would.

On Tuesday evening, Hulk Hogan, 57, married 35-year-old Jennifer McDaniel, the girl he’s been dating who looks disturbingly like his daughter. But not without a fight. This time without the steel chairs.

While the couple was exchanging vows at an intimate ceremony in Hulk’s backyard, which lasted no more than two minutes according to one insider, Hulk’s hired help grappled with the shutterbug who was trying to snap shots of the happy couple.

“Hulk’s security team was in the background throwing around the paparazzi who was standing 200 feet away in the shoreline water,” said one source.

“The paparazzo wants charges filed and plans to sue for physical, financial and emotional distress.”

Is anyone concerned that Jennifer seems to be a 95% DNA match to Brooke Hogan who’s a 95% DNA match to the Yeti? This goes past the line of normal creepy and into “putting lipstick on a mannequin and dancing around with it” creepy. I’m pretty sure Hulk has more than once “joked” about Jennifer switching places with Brooke.

Via Dlisted comes this commercial for Def Jam Rapstar starring Brooke and Hulk Hogan and a Ron Jeremy look-a-like sitting in the corner. Hulk and Brooke try to duet Notorious B.I.G.but things get creepy when Brook jiggles her ass in front of her dad who then whips out his penis. If the purpose of this commercial was to make me queasy, then mission accomplished.

Well, not really. Hulk Hogan is engaged to his girlfriend Jennifer McDaniel who bears a striking resemblance to Brooke Hogan, his daughter. At LAX on Tuesday, Hulk made sure to point out Jennifer’s diamond ring to photogs. Everyone immediately vomited at the thought of Hulk banging a woman that looks so much like his daughter. Everyone then agreed that if Brooke looked like Kate Beckinsale, they’d understand. But Brooke? Aw, gross.

Today is apparently “let’s see who has the fakest video of the day” because here’s another staged clip. This time of the Nature Boy Ric Flair and Hulk Hogan getting into it at an Australian press conference.

Out to promote “Hulkamania: Let the Battle Begin”, Hulk and Ric traded insults before Ric punched Hulk in the head. Hogan hid his face for a second, probably to cut himself with a razor blade, before turning his blood-soaked head to cameras. A few media outlets are saying this was the real thing, but those media outlets are complete idiots. 40 years of wrestlers cutting themselves to bleed and people still don’t catch on. TMZ and this guy would get along real well. Once again, the telltale sign that this was fake: Hulk not vomiting when Ric talked about taking his girlfriend for a ride on Space Mountain.