In news no one cares about, Isaac Hanson suffered a pulmonary embolism and was rushed to the hospital after performing at the House of Blues in Dallas on Tuesday. Dallas-Fort Worth television station KDFW clarified that a pulmonary embolism is a result of a blood clot in the extremities breaking away and traveling to the lung and not a result of sucking, being sucky or made up of suckage.

I had a feeling KDFW didn’t know what they were talking about so I called my local hospital and asked them if a pulmonary embolism is caused by sucking. The doctor said “No.” Confused, I inquired if he even had a medical license not given to him by Ronald McDonald. He said he got it from “Johns Hopkins.” “Yea, more like Johns NOTkins,” I said to him before hanging up. So, there you have it. The doctor was a quack and I have proven pulmonary embolisms are a direct result of sucking hard. A condition the Hansons obviously suffer from.